Amazing Race Asia Recaps

1x09: Kolkata, India

2010-06-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

The teams disturb Mother Teresa, eat a shitload of food, wind up either with a lot of nuts or with a sticky, milky substance on their faces, and get up close and personal with Indian feet. And the leg isn't even over yet!

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Previously on Gilligan's Bile: The final six teams managed to avoid making jokes about the word "Bangkok" as they left it for Krabi, an island-y place in the south of Thailand. Some teams were smart enough to only have to take one bus to get to Krabi, while the others had to make so many switches that next season's cast probably could have made it to the cluebox quicker than they did. Howard seemed to have no idea how anything in the real world worked, but at least he knew where he was, unlike Marsio. Mardy and Marsio went for the Fast Forward, but their continued ability to blame their incompetence on their size almost cancelled out any time advantage they would have gotten. San was able to get bloody milk from a coconut, as opposed to all the bloody hands the others got. Cirran wasted his energy climbing up a cliff face in an effort not to be last. He and Howard were indeed last, and were mercifully given the size-nines. Only five teams are left. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. Look at Team Idiot. It's like they're actively trying to audition for the world's least sexy frathouse porn movie. And there have been some pretty bad ones over the years. Or so I've been told. Not that I would know or anything. Because I wouldn't. Know, that is. [SSSSHHHH!]

Sunrise. People walk along the beautiful beach, as WuWho manages to mispronounce both "Krabi" (per the Greeter last week, approximately "Krah-bee") and "Andaman" (per pretty much everywhere, "And-uh-m'n") in the same sentence. At least he manages to get through the Why Krabi Is Amazing spiel without any more fuckups. In any event, one of the little islands was the eighth Pit Stop in this race, and the teams are about to leave. Let's join them, shall we?

4:37am. The Super Marsio Bros. learn that they'll have to head to Kolkata, India. Whee, India! Again! When they get there they'll have to head to the St. Teresa of Avila Church. WuWho makes special effort to mention the former pronunciation of the city, and almost manages to make "Kolkata" and "Calcutta" sound different. Apparently, the city (however you choose to mispronounce it) is the fourth largest in the country, which kind of makes me want to know what the top three are. I mean, obviously Delhi and Mumbai are first and second, but what's the third? To compound his plentiful pronunciation problems so far this episode, WuWho informs us that St. Teresa of Avila is the same person as Mother Teresa. Which? Is not true. At all. Sigh. The Super Marsio Bros. opine that they should be able to deal with whatever the producers chuck at them, because they've gone through so much already. Well, we'll see about that.

4:41am. Handy and Laura kick off a little montage of teams departing, shortly followed by SanFran (4:42am), and Antsy (4:44am), with Zabrina and Joe Jer (4:59am) bringing up the rear. The three co-ed teams all seem to be decidedly less than overjoyed about their next location, and a lightning bolt flashes behind SanFran to tell them what the assorted Hindu deities think of their preconceptions. Zabrina and Joe Jer seem almost excited. Somehow, San, Handy, and Syeon all manage to say, "India, here we come," making me wonder if it was a random in-joke they thought of at the Pit Stop. By the way, note that after all that work for the Fast Forward, the Super Marsio Bros. are only leading by four minutes.

Despite his inherent lack of optimism at the mat, Admiral Whinypants confessionals that he didn't know anything about India, but knew it was going to suck. Meanwhile, Zabrina confessionals that she was excited about being able to go to India, and Joe Jer tells us that "this race" has taken them to places they never thought they'd go. Is it any wonder they're my favourite team at the moment? To contrast, Fran matter-of-factly confessionals while scratching her arm that "it's not about the people, it's not about the smell, it's not about the poverty, it's not about anything like that. It literally comes down to worrying about getting sick." Because, as you know, Kolkata's population of sixteen million (or whatever it was back when this was filmed) are all riddled with contagious diseases. Shut up, Fran.

The Super Marsio Bros., Handy and Laura, and SanFran have all decided to eat now, for the simple reason that they're "probably not going to eat in India". I... have no idea how to respond to this. Do I treat it like it's any other remark, and tell San to shut up, or do I make reference to the fact that the previews at the end of last week's episode revealed that there was going to be an eating task at some point in the episode, and thus call this out as the Foreshadowing it undoubtedly is? But I suppose that since I've managed to do both, the answer, therefore, is "neither".

Uh, I mean, "proooobably not".

The sun rises over Krabi, and it's very pretty, and I swear we saw this exact same shot last week. The teams all set off for the airport, with Antsy trying to convince the Super Marsio Bros. that Handy and Laura are "always up to no good". Because, as you know, when you're a British contestant on a foreign reality show, you automatically get downgraded to "pantomime villain". Always. As if to explain how annoying they are, we get a piece of confessional from the Krabi Pit Stop in which Handy decrees "second place" to be "the first loser". And if anyone on this cast knows about being a first-rate loser? Well, it's not San, I'll give you that much. On the plus side, though, he appears to be saying this genuinely, as opposed to a certain team on the current American season who have been making similar comments calling second place "first runner-up", quite clearly in an attempt to garner more camera time. So he's got that going for him, which is nice. It's not much, but damn it, it's something.

The teams arrive at the airport, where Antsy continue to bitch about Handy and Laura to the Super Marsio Bros., bringing up the map-hiding thing. Oh. My. GOD. That was five whole legs ago. Grow up and move on like everyone else apparently did, you two. Mardy says that he's "going to get them, someday", sounding far more melodramatic than he probably intends. Syeon remarks that they should just Yield them. Oh, so that's what this is about. Antsy want Handy and Laura to be Yielded, without actually getting their own hands dirty, apparently. Nobody in the room seems to realise that Antsy conning somebody into Yielding Handy and Laura is even worse than the map-hiding ever was in the first place, given that there's no possible way hiding the maps in one overpriced airport bookshop could make any difference, especially when that airport is one of the world's largest and probably has more than one overpriced bookshop inside its walls. Also, shut up, Admiral Whinypants.

Oh, and all five teams take the same flight, making a quick stop in Bangkok for the Amazing Yellow Line to take his girlfriend out for the night, at which point she tells him a "very special secret" and is never seen or heard from again.

The teams rush for their standard post-airport taxis, and head off for the church. We do not have to put up with the standard, local-pitying Being Poor Is Stupid speeches contestants somehow always seem to find themselves making when in India, because they're all in such a hurry to get to the church. I approve. Not that being poor isn't a horrible thing, but... life is not communism. If it hadn't been people here who wound up getting the short end of the stick, it would have happened in some other part of the world. Yes, it sucks that they're poor, but... there are other features and other elements of culture which make India a surprisingly major tourist destination, and I am so unbelievably glad we got all the "Zed Oh Em Gee Icky Poor People!" out of the way before we arrived. Besides, all the speeches wind up being the same thing, and I don't want to have to recap the same thing five times. And because this season has the clipshow episode at the end, it'll probably be ten times I'll have to recap, and I just can't be arsed doing that. And one of the fundamental rules of any visual medium, such as television, is "show, don't tell". I'd rather see the effect being immersed so deeply in Indian culture has on the contestants than hear them tell me umpteen sejillion slightly-more-polite variants of "India makes me wish I was back home with my running water and my streets without cows on them."

Aaaaaaaaand moving on.

Everyone wants to pass everyone else. You'd almost be forgiven for thinking these people were in some kind of competition. In their cab, Fran praises the driver, calling him a "legend". Meanwhile, San practices for the inevitable time some point in the future in which he will be called up and asked to be a greeter. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell him that he doesn't actually, you know, qualify to be the guy saying, "Welcome to India!"

Admiral Whinypants is whining in broken English. Is fast, is good, you see? And now I have a hankering for some processed meat. Thanks a LOT, Admiral Whinypants!

Zabrina points out that "this is getting a bit insane". I agree with her.

San hopes that there's only one church. Fran misunderstands what he's saying, and tells him that they're only headed to "one Pacific church", because it's sort of hard to be in two places at once. Or something. And also, because you wouldn't want to go to one of those Atlantic churches. I hear they're the ones with all the voodoo and whatnot.

Marsio title-quotes that "this is totally, totally out of this world". We see a man walking down the street with hundreds and hundreds of red... cups or something, all balanced on his head. (Quotable Redneck In My Head: "Y'all ain't gonna see that 'round here, y'hear?") The Super Marsio Bros. and their cab head up onto some tram tracks or some such, and suddenly we hear a probably added sound effect which can only mean one thing. Flat tyre. The Super Marsio Bros. get their bags out, but decide to stay with their cab anyway, it seems.

Handy and Laura provide us some completely pointless exposition in their cab. Like, either we're going to see the flat tyre, and it's unnecessary to tell us that; or it'll be edited out, and therefore we won't need to know. Sigh. The Super Marsio Bros. interview that all they could do was laugh about the situation. And indeed they do, as (it sounds like) both Zabrina and Joe Jer and Antsy pass them. Admiral Whinypants calls it "natural justice". Dude, I know natural justice. I have been known to inadvertently cause natural justice. That was not natural justice. You want natural justice? I'll send a little doll of you to an Atlantic church, and then we'll see who's laughing. Fuck off, Admiral Whinypants.

The lead teams -- everyone except for Antsy and the Super Marsio Bros. -- arrive at a Pacific church and get their cabbies to wait for them. As it turns out, it's not THE Pacific church, but it is the church where Mother Teresa is entombed. Imagine for a second, if you will, a shot of the teams standing right next to Mother Teresa's casket, realising they're in the wrong place. Now throw that image out the window, because this show rocks so hard they're not going to give it to you. Instead, a brilliant cameraman comes up with the idea to have the teams in the background, then shoot the scene from the other side of the casket, placing it in the foreground. Now add to that a sombre, low-key violin piece as your background music. Every so often, something happens on television that's so unbelievably awesome it makes you forget about any problems a show has, and forgive them for the problems you remember. It's not a sort of moment that makes you cry, or laugh, or get angry, or anything like that, but this, my friends, is one of Those Moments. Still? Points off for touching the casket, Laura.

Zabrina and Joe Jer confessional, telling us that it's great to be able to put the race on hold every now and then, and pause for a moment to take in whatever experience you're currently having. And given there's approximately a zero percent chance this episode is going to end with an elimination, this seems like a perfect place to reflect. But that's just me.

You will note that Handy and Laura are the first to leave the Church Of Wrong Teresa, and are immediately arguing. I have no idea whether the editors were thinking that way when they put this segment together, but BWAH! Zabrina and Joe Jer get a local kid to lead them on foot to the Church Of Right Teresa, but SanFran and Handy and Laura get back into their cabs for the short journey. When Laura kvetches that they'll be in last place because of the church fuck-up, Handy correctly states that the Super Marsio Bros. are still behind them.

Speaking of them, they are laughing in their cab about how surreal everything is.

Antsy have arrived at what their cab thinks is their destination, but they both neglect to notice a big sign noting that it's Mother Teresa's former home they've arrived at, not the Church Of Right Teresa. And it's a red and yellow sign too, so they can't use the "we were just looking out for the race colours" excuse some other teams would give if this sort of situation happened to them. On the other hand, this is now four teams who've gone to the wrong place. It sort of seems to me that the teams told their driver to take them to the Church Of Right Teresa, but mentioned Mother Teresa in the cab or something, and they've all just taken them to a place connected with her, as opposed to where they actually asked to go. Antsy find a lady dressed in the same sort of outfit as the typical representation of Mother Teresa, who tells them they've got to go "far from here" to light the candles for her. Either this candle-lighting thing is something people outisde of this show actually do, in which case I love the task, or the producers were smart enough to realise that someone would end up lost and called ahead to explain, in which case I love the producers. Still, you can't not love the idea of Mother Teresa being deemed important enough to open up this show's first ever Indian visit.

SanFran have found the Church Of Right Teresa. They light their candle as Handy and Laura arrive. Guess what? It's a RoadBlock, and Fran gauges from the "Who's ready to shine? Attention to detail is a must" clue that it involves shining something. Guess what else? Just as as it every other time you're racing outside of the United States, a RoadBlock is once again a task that only one of the team members can do. This time, WuWho informs us that this task will involve becoming Your Friendly Local Shoeshine Guy, at India's first ever underground train station. They've got to shine seven pairs, and have to get at least five rupee for each. As it turns out, apparently Mother Teresa's vows of poverty don't apply to the teams.

Fran takes the RoadBlock. Laura decides that trying to light a candle and failing is exactly the same thing as trying to light a candle and succeeding, and grabs their next clue anyway. There better be a penalty for this. Even with the "attention to detail" part of the clue, which she just proved she has no understanding of not five seconds ago, Laura takes it. It's worth noting that because they've been so lopsided with their RoadBlock division, if Handy had done it, she would have had to do all of the next four RoadBlocks, no matter what they were.

The two same-sex teams appear to both be near the Church Of Right Teresa. Meanwhile, Antsy have managed to convince their friend in the Mother Teresa garb to give their taxi driver directions to the right church. It does appear that she knows exactly where the right church is, which surely puts her ahead of most of the Kolkata cab industry.

The Super Marsio Bros. are at the wrong place after all. Sigh. EVERY. SINGLE. TEAM. What part of a factually incorrect clue is so damn hard to understand?

Zabrina and Joe Jer have managed to somehow get the kid who was helping them to come in their cab with them. Quite frankly, if it was any of the other teams, I'd totally be making a stranger danger joke right about now. Both they and Antsy have arrived at the Church Of Right Teresa. Zabrina and Syeon both decide to do the RoadBlock.

While walking from the same house Antsy first went to to the Church Of Right Teresa, the Super Marsio Bros. pass a random person just sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, right in a puddle of what I can only hope and assume is water.

Admiral Whinypants tells us in Antsy's cab that they didn't even bother to try lighting the candle, because they're "not Catholics". Because, as you know, the whole point of a race through various cultures is to start clutching pearls when faced with something you're not used to in your everyday life. Antsy, do you think all the teams who did the Slave House memorial in that episode of the American version have black African heritage? Or that all the teams who went to Auschwitz had connections to the Holocaust? Of course not. But having a shred of respect for other cultures is the right thing to do. You lay a rose, you light a candle, you reflect, and you damned well better not bitch about it. Yeah, it might not affect you personally. But when you're on a show like this, chances are it affects someone watching, someone who -- for whatever reason -- may never get the chance to make the same journey in person, and will thus be using you as their conduit. If you're going to flat-out refuse to do something as simple as light a candle, simply because of the belief that if it's not important for you, it's not going to be important to anyone? Especially since the candle-lighting isn't a Catholic thing, but one to sinply show how important Mother Teresa was to the people of Kolkata? It's not one of the most offensive things I've ever seen on television, or even on this show (the American version puts its foot in it so often lately it's barely able to wash the shitstink off between seasons anymore), but it's one of the most unsettling, given the almost complete lack of reaction to it. Part of that may just be because Antsy are just so inertly boring, but... still, you know?

Less offensive, but also inappropriate? Handy claiming Laura will do well at the task because she can attract attention.

As the sun sets, and SanFran arrive at the train station, the Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the Church Of Right Teresa. Mardy volunteers Marsio for the task, and it's somewhat surprising that this only his third RoadBlock as well.

RoadBlock. As Fran settles in, there's already a large crowd of onlookers, because you can't have a task in India without big crowds being involved somehow, I guess. What sets this apart from the time the American version did a shoeshine task is that all the teams are going to be forced to work right next to each other, which makes the task both easier (in that the customers will come to you) and harder (in that you'll have to stand out more to get the customers). In all honesty, the ability to weed out the crap tasks from the American version and tweak the decent ones into being even better is one of the absolute best things about this show. Seriously, I can't think of a single time they've recycled a task and made it worse than it was before. (Aside from that first Korean leg next season.) Anyone?

In other news, Fran is trying to get her customers to pay with rupiahs -- Indonesian currency. Oh, Asia. It's all just one big glob of former European colonies, apparently.

Antsy's cab. Admiral Whinypants, not done clawing his way to the top of The List, declares the men of Kolkata sexist and unable to let a woman shine their shoes. Syeon is at least trying to not let him drag her down with him, but she goes with the almost as bad belief that they might get some sort of perverse pleasure from it. Shut up already. God.

RoadBlock. Laura and Fran both have customers, further pointing out how much Admiral Whinypants needs to shut his trap.

Antsy's cab is driving along, with a nice view of the Victoria Memorial out the window. He wonders how the Super Marsio Bros. are doing, because he just doesn't obsess about the other teams enough, does he? The Super Marsio Bros. realise that they're last, but are taking it slow. Slow enough, in fact, that they won't even make it by the time we reach the...

Commercials. This week's Andy Hallett Memorial Award winner is Matt Dallas. Fuck or pass?

During our little break, Marsio has learned that when you are in a race, it is imperative that you get there quickly, and so he is asking the cabbie to go fast. You will note, if you're paying close enough attention, that they haven't moved an inch since before the commercials. Heh.

Laura and Fran shine shoes, while Handy makes a nuisance of himself, firstly asking Laura if she's seen the Super Marsio Bros. (Answer: "Not unless they've appeared, tortilla-Virgin-Mary-like, in the shoes she's polishing."), and then asking the customer how long it's been since a "Western woman" shined his shoes. God. It's like he and Admiral Whinypants are in an eternal dick-measuring contest, the only winners of which are San and the Super Marsio Bros. And WuWho.

They continue polishing, as the same music they used for the lame car washing task and for the uncomfortable begging scenes plays in the background. And... like, it's a perfectly decent piece of music, all things considered, but it really has nothing at all to do with racing. Which probably explains why, of the four times we've heard it so far this season, two were in Uncomfortable Begging Scenes, and two were in tasks where people were cleaning stuff.

Zabrina and Joe Jer, and Antsy, arrive and make their way through the teeming throngs to the shoeshining stations. It looks to me as though Zabrina is actually walking over to the people in the crowd to get them to take those three steps over to her little pedestal thing, while Syeon just stands there and squeaks. Not surprisingly, Zabrina is more successful, at least as far as I can tell.

Fran finishes with one guy and immediately starts on with the next. (Not like that, you pervs!) Syeon fails to know that a shoeshine requires polish. Isn't that, like, the second thing you learn about shoes, after how to tie the laces? Anyway, Fran's next customer asks how much experience she has with shining shoes in an Indian train station. Fran lies and says she's "a professional shoe cleaner", with so much "what a stupid question!" sarcasm in her voice it's practically dripping out her ears. (My personal favourite part is when the editors or whoever subtitles the customer guy saying "Amateur or professional?", and they manage to misspell "amateur". Far be it for me to mock TV editors, because editing is one of the parts of being a film student I don't seem to be very good at -- I blame not believing in the "Everyone Watching Has Attention Deficit Oh, Shiny!" school of thought like everyone else I work with does -- but still? I guess we know the answer to that question.)

Everyone seems to be having fun with the task, which is nice. And not at all what you would expect from teams on this show, given it's (1) India, (2) manual labour, (3) the latter half of the race, and (4) India. Admiral Whinypants thinks Syeon's conversational skills are a bigger drawcard than the shoeshine itself. I think there might possibly be a kernel of truth in that thought, but honestly, it's probably the fact that there are TV cameras around. Zabrina asks if there's anyone else in the crowd who wears shoes. Ordinarily, I'd be annoyed by that comment, but she seems to be asking something closer to "Can anyone help me finish faster?" than to "Who is rich enough to afford shoes?" So, you know, I guess I'll give it a pass. For now.

People continue to shine and beg for customers, and Syeon would like some guy to pay twice as much as he needs to, solely because she doesn't want to give out change. Because she's had enough of Indian telemarketers conning money out of her, and she wants to return the favour. I don't see why she can't give change, to be honest. We know this isn't her first customer, so she's definitely got the money to do it. It clearly says in the clue that she's got to shine seven pairs of shoes, so there's no advantage to her in that it won't count as two pairs. And besides, what's five rupees going to get her anyway? I'm not sure. I think she's just being a bitch about this entire situation, to be honest.

San and Fran have a curt exchange in front of a demanding customer, resulting in the words "Babe, I'm doing it as hard as I can!" You know what always make train stations more fun? Unintentional innuendo. All aboard! In a shared confessional, Fran tries to make like San sabotaged. He instead take a much more tactful approach, pointing out that it would have been easier for her to get customers than it would have been if he'd had to. Probably.

Laura gets a customer wearing... what are those shoes called, anyway? They're not quite sandals, they're not quite thongs, they're... in the blurry middleground, you know? Anyway, Handy tells her to tickle his toes. As you do.

Zabrina confessionals that the RoadBlock was fun. Compared to the tasks coming up before the Pit Stop, where the confessional was made? Yeah, I can believe it.

The Super Marsio Bros. are still in their slow taxi to the RoadBlock. They will not be arriving before Handy and Laura leave, because she's done. The clue tells them to head to the Aaheli Restaurant at the Pearless Inn. WuWho informs us that, as you would expect when you're told to go to a restaurant, this will be an eating task, and each team member has to "consume a traditional Bengali meal" to get the next clue. So not only will the teams be eating non-packet food in India as part of a challenge, but there's also no way out of the challenge. You may know that despite the frequency of both India visits and eating tasks on The Amazing Race, they've never turned up in the same episode before. (Compare this to three separate eating tasks in three separate legs racing through Beijing.) So... you know, this is going to be pretty awesome, especially considering everything that's happened so far in this episode. I can't believe this show is making me excited to see somewhere that turns up pretty much every season!

The other teams continue in their renegade shoe-shining ways. Admiral Whinypants demands that Syeon do a better job, when her shoeshine-ee isn't quite satisfied. Fran and Zabrina also each have a "very tough customer", but noticeably, we do not hear San and Joe Jer telling them to be less sucky. I think they realise that a lot of this task comes down to not only being able to convince people to let you shine their shoes, but also in being able to pick the people who are more likely to be a bit lenient when it comes to being able to see their own faces in their footwear. These people are paying money, so it's only fair they expect a moderate level of competence, but there's a surprising amount of luck involved in this task, given it involves neither needles nor haybales. This, of course, makes it even more unusual that Handy and Laura were the first team to get the job done.

Speak of the devils, let's go check in on them now, shall we? Laura is busy telling Handy that Bengali food (because Kolkata is part of the West Bengal province, you see) is "lovely", as opposed to "steaming, scorching hot". Hmmm. Meanwhile, in their own cab, Mardy comments on how lucrative a business selling car horns in India would be. Heh.

Fran and Syeon are busy trying to get their customers to agree that their poor polishing job is good enough. Meanwhile, Zabrina is apologising for accidentally polishing her customer's sock. Oops!

Oh, and the Super Marsio Bros. have arrived at the metro station.

The three women still doing the RoadBlock count their money. San and Fran explain that as a small recompense for having to put up with Stinky Indian Feet, they get to keep the money they made shining shoes. Yay, free money! It's only, like, seventy cents, but still! Free money! As the Super Marsio Bros finally reach the shoeshining stations and quickly grift their first schlub, SanFran get their clue and leave. Fran is so pissed about having to eat food in India, they literally have to bleep her reading the clue. San just laughs, because he is always delightful and positive and happy and not Admiral Whinypants.

Marsio is shocked that it's taking him so long to do one shoe. This task seems like it'd take a fair while to do, actually. You're probably looking at about five minutes to get a shoe done to a decent standard, and you've got to do seven pairs, so fourteen shoes all up. That's seventy minutes right there, and add in the time you take searching for customers and you're probably going to be at the task for a good hour and a half. In terms of the whole race, it's not that long, but when you consider that back in The Amazing Race 13, three teams managed to finish an entire leg in New Delhi in less than eighty minutes? It's a lot of time to be spending on your knees on a train station floor in a country that's not exactly known for impeccable sanitation.

Zabrina and her latest customer agree that the entire deal here is pretty surreal. Apparently, you no longer need numerous ringing phones and creepy mute bureaucrats to make something feel weird. Eat it, Kafka!

In SanFran's cab, Fran explains that instead of the usual fears of heights and spiders and being even more of a coward than Cirran is, her biggest fear is throwing up. How... precious. Plus, she didn't want to have to eat anything in India anyway, so there's that layer on top of this. San agrees with her. I can sort of understand where they're coming from, in a "the tap water isn't safe to drink; therefore, the food must be just as dangerous to my health" sort of way, but they're going to a restaurant at what seems like it's a fairly elegant hotel. I'm pretty sure you can be confident you won't get brain-eating parasites from eating there.

Marsio also doesn't have change. Unlike Syeon, however, he does not ask the customer to just agree to pay him extra for the shine. While he goes hunting for another pair of shoes to shine, Zabrina gets her clue. She doesn't even take the clue out of the paper holder thingy before giving us an "oh, crap". To add to their distinct lack of enthusiasm, Joe Jer slowly shaked her head while she reads the clue in unison with Zabrina.

Syeon and Marsio hit on the idea of teaming up to get a group of customers, which is really one of those strategies that would only work when there are a couple of people left. If everyone's still there, then the customers who have to wait would have just gotten their shining done by someone else, so they would basically be back at square one again. This way, they both get out quicker, and they both have a better chance of catching up to the rest of the pack. I don't like Syeon, and I could take or leave the Super Marsio Bros., but this is a great strategy here. And because they're just working together to get one random task done, there's no reason for the two teams to agree to help each other with Every Single Task at the expense of their own race, which is part of my problem with the way teams have been racing with the intent of forming alliances over the past few American seasons. Both these people know that they won't be helping each other any more after one of them gets the clue, and they're both okay with it, you know? There are no scumbags, there are no debates about integrity and whether people can be trusted for not letting you beat them, it's very refreshing. Anyway, Syeon's first customer from this group also happens to be her last, so she gets the clue and leaves. It must be some kind of recurring joke for the teams to be upset about having to eat a free dinner at a nice restaurant, because even Syeon swears.

It's started to rain, or something, because Mardy is holding a jacket over Marsio's head. Outside the market, Admiral Whinypants is not happy at the cab fare he's been quoted to get to the restaurant.

Fran tells us that she's not expecting her brief stay at the head of the pack to be halted by anywhere being closed, despite it now being after dark, and even when they've still got, at the very least, an eating task and a Detour to complete. She's optimistic, I'll give her that. On the other hand, she realises that everything else that she didn't want to happen has happened, so it's entirely possible Indian people do actually need some sleep, amidst all the blaring car horns and whatnot. She even prayed that bad stuff wouldn't happen, but apparently the only praying she did was at the Church Of Wrong Teresa, and so it doesn't count. (Here, I imagine God holding his hand in front of his face, touching his nose with his thumb, and waggling his remaining fingers.)

Handy and Laura have found the restaurant.

Elsewhere, Marsio continues shining shoes. He does at least apologise for being inexperienced and in a hurry, so good for him. They confessional that they were lucky to be given the chance to shine shoes in an Indian train station. Yeah, I don't know, either. Unless they mean to finish the sentence with, "because it means we didn't have to get groped on the trains." And Marsio is done. We get a variant of the "India makes me appreciate what I have" speech from Mardy. Sigh. And we were doing so well! At least it seems like he actually does mean it, unlike certain other people who appear to only remark on it because it's a Thing you have to do. They don't seem disappointed to have to eat.

SanFran arrive at the restaurant. Inside, Handy and Laura get their fancy menus handed to them. I'm not sure this is a situation in which they let you choose what you're going to eat, though. I'd ask WuWho how eating challenges work, but he didn't even get to the eating challenge round when he was on Fear Factor, so... probably not going to be much of a help.

Mardy and Marsio appear to have decided to walk to the restaurant.

Fran reads the menu. She mentions that a Bengali meal demands "leisurely attention", and that the key to enjoying the meal is taking your time. So, reading between the lines, there probably isn't anything else they'll be doing tonight, is there? Just, you know, in case you think it's a good idea to cram the five or six different things they give you down your throat as soon as possible.

Laura can identify a lentil dahl, and calls it "lovely". As Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive, San tries to work out what a little drink they were given -- it looks like it's a mango lassi -- tastes like, and Fran's first answer is "curry". Because they're in India! Indian people like curry! Everything tastes like curry in India! Never mind that there really isn't one specific "curry" flavour. Shut up, Fran. Handy and Laura tell them that they're going to have to eat sheep eyes. Fran is all, "yeah, whatever, now go fuck yourself with a horseshoe". They get their Plates O' Feastiness soon after, and we clearly see what's on it for the first time. Basically, you have a small pile of rice, a piece of flatbread, and six tiny bowls full of different sauces and soups and whathaveyou. It actually doesn't look too bad, compared to past eating challenges, even if there probably is a touch too much browny-olive to make it a hundred per cent clear they aren't eating at least one dish that flowed out of a sewage drain.

Zabrina and Joe Jer get their menu. Joe Jer reads it as Laura comments on just exactly how much food there is. Fran wonders how long it'll be until the Super Marsio Bros. arrive and begin to "inhale" the food. Lesson: If you aren't ridiculously skinny, you eat faster than you walk. Speaking of not walking, the Super Marsio Bros. are in their cab, wondering what "Bengali dishes" are. I assume they're a lot like the plates you'd get around the rest of the world, except with the words "India! More than just the Taj Mahal!" painted on them. Back in the restaurant, there is eating, eating, and even more eating. But Antsy have arrived, so now we might get some whining mixed in with our chutney chowdown. Joe Jer has no idea how she's going to be able to finish all the food. Just... take your time. Didn't the menu itself imply that that'd be the best way of getting this done? Laura also doesn't think she can do it. But at least, unlike Admiral Whinypants, they seem to understand that you have to actually eat it all. Admiral Whinypants is apparently under the impression that three of the bowls are just there for decoration. Let's hear it for decoration!

Zabrina tells us she isn't good with quantity. There are so many jokes I could make here, none of them tasteful, so [mimes the univeral "my lips are sealed" action]. Syeon thinks the food doesn't taste half bad. Handy tells Laura "[they] can puke all night if [they] have to." Awww, how romantic. Reminds me of my first date. Poor Zabrina has to try and communicate the message "I need to barf" to her waiter, but he doesn't appear to understand. Thank God we cut away before it gets to Charades.

Commercials. What exact purpose does Richard Wilkins serve, anyway, besides annoying anybody and everybody?

Handy has interpreted the clue to mean that each person has to eat enough for two people, which doesn't look right, given how the portions in each bowl were relatively small. But then again, Laura does seem to be the sort of person who'd be all, "I think I'll pass on dessert, but bring an extra spoon anyway." So in a way, I suppose it could be a meal for two.

The chef's hat is floppy and funny. It's like a traditional chef's hat and a graduate's mortarboard hat had a love child. Joe Jer tells Zabrina they want to "finish it before those two finish it." Trying to finish fast in a race is always a good idea! Admiral Whinypants burps. And burps. And burps. Then he probably complains about how all he can smell is the contents of his own stomach, but we don't get to see. Syeon does giggle, however.

So, anyway, there is more eating, and more Handy and Laura bickering of their usual variety. Or, at least, the usual variety that's less "We Are So Incompetent! Unlucky!" and more "Stop Trying To Help Me Get This Done!" Suddenly, Joe Jer is finished. Wow. Go, girl! She tries to encourage Zabrina to finish. In a shared confessional, Zabrina squees about Joe Jer being "a machine" at the eating challenge. And the good news? Machines don't usually vomit. You're lucky if you can just get correct change out of them, most of the time.

Syeon feels "sick" at the concept of eating fish, because "it's so fishy". Oh, those tricky fish. Always out to get you with their fishiness. In a confessional, she explains that she doesn't like Indian food, and that she had never tasted the spices used in this meal before. Ah, yes. The old "I haven't tried it, therefore, I hate it" school of thinking.

Awwww, little Fwanny needs to go potty. If she was smart, she'd have loaded her mouth with food beforehand. While she's going, the Super Marsio Bros. arrive. They are hungry. (You're shocked, I know.) Suddenly, thanks to the magic of television, Fran is back at her seat by the time they sit down, and asks if she can hide some of her food in her napkin. As you do when you're at a luxury restaurant. Admiral Whinypants tells Marsio that he'll give up some of his food if he's still hungry afterwards.

Joe Jer posits that "if there's a time to develop bulimia, this is it". Cut to the toilet doors, and vomiting noises. Classy, show. Turns out the noises are coming from Laura, who claims that "puking doesn't do much for [her]". No! Really? Zabrina is also throwing up, and I have absolutely no interest in recapping the contents of a reality contestant's stomach, so let's just skip forward a bit, shall we? Good.

After all the eating and puking is done, and after the Super Marsio Bros, unfamiliar with how the concept of "don't eat until you explode", have requested some more rice, the first team to finish is SanFran. The clue tells them to grab a cab and ride to Kanishka's Sari Boutique. WuWho informs us that once they arrive, they'll have to search through hundreds of saris on display for a hidden clue. And the kicker? "Hours of operation apply." Heeeeee hee hee. These producers are sadistic, and I love it.

Back inside, everyone else is finishing off. Next to get the clue is Zabrina and Joe Jer, who apologise for throwing up. Not unexpectedly, Laura does not apologise for her own internal fire drill as she and Handy get the clue. Syeon claims to be allergic to the food. Excuses, excuses. (This is of course coming from somebody who is allergic to bees and to beer, and who has a taste aversion to beef. So, you know, nobody tell James van der Beek what I really think of him.)

In their cab, Handy claims that he hasn't "had a chance to yak". And the yaks are grateful. Meanwhile, San claims in a confessional that he was feeling sick after having to eat his meal, part of Fran's meal, and both of their desserts. And when San is feeling it? That's how you know it was a tough challenge.

Not tough enough? Antsy, which currently consists of one moaner and one person who thinks leaving half their rice on the plate counts as "finished". The Super Marsio Bros. exposit that even though they're quite used to giving their stomachs a workout, there's a difference between eating cheeseburgers at home and having to eat a feast in the middle of the race.

Anyway, Antsy are done. Soon, so are the brothers, and we're all done with the season's Token Eating Challenge. Unless someone chunders later on.

Kolkata has buses! And roads! (Poor cities aren't all chickens and camels and whatever, you know.) It also has Kanishka's where SanFran are arriving, followed quickly thereafter by Zabrina and Joe Jer and Handy and Laura. Unfortunately, it's only open from 9am to 7pm, so everybody's going to end up bunched together. Oh, well. Maybe they could go and visit Mother Teresa's tomb again. Antsy and the Super Marsio Bros. also receive the news.

Commercials. If it's gonna start raining men, I'm going to build me a dam.

It's the next morning now, miraculously saving us from the "let's find a hotel to get us away from these peasants" segment, and the teams are all waiting again at their hotel. Admiral Whinypants takes the time to point and laugh at some people washing themselves across the street, except without the physical pointing, while Syeon sort of watches on, intrigued. Meanwhile, SanFran leave in their cab, which is the same one from the previous night. Smart move, I think. Not only do they have someone they're comfortable with, they've also saved themselves from the stress of having to find a new cab driver to take them today, and the problems they'll have if the guy they find doesn't speak English. So one point for them. (This, you'll note, is exactly the problem Handy and Laura are currently having.)

Kanishka's House Of Hidden Clues And Less-Than-Hidden Fabrics. Everyone else arrives, but Handy and Laura are only just getting into their cab. No prizes for guessing which team's been so wrapped up in their own ego that they haven't learned anything on the race. When they do eventually rock up, Handy tells the other teams he "wanted to smack [their driver] in the head". Guess who I want to smack in the head? SanFran confessional that Andy's a bit of a hypocrite. Yeah, I don't know where that comes from either. Snerk.

The gates open (yep, a sari shop has gates for some reason), and the teams rush in. There is searching, more searching, and nothing but the searching until Syeon finds the first clue. It's not a very interesting task, to be honest, but the next one is, because it's a Detour.

As WuWho reminds us once again, just in case you've been under a rock on Mars with your fingers in your ears and a banshee vacuuming next to you, a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. This time, the choice is between Carry and Count. Twooooo Detour options, uh huh huh! (I'm sorry, I'll show myself out.) In Carry, teams go to some place (we don't learn where, or how far it is, or any of the other things that make debating at home which one you would choose any easier), use ladles to fill urns with milk, balance the urns on their heads, and walk across a field to pour it into a bucket. The task only requires your brain for balancing things on, but teams will have to repeat the process until they've gotten 80 litres of milk into their bucket, so it could take a while. But you can use your hands to hold it. So, kinda easy. In Count, WuWho teleports to a market I'm not even going to try and spell, especially considering I'd be doing it as a phonetic translation of WuWho's probably-incorrect pronunciation. When teams get to the market, they'll have to find the marked stall, choose a basket of betel nuts, and count them all, getting the correct number to be given the next clue. WuWho tells us that betel nuts are commonly used as the Indian version of Listerine, basically, but betel nuts are kinda harmful to humans, so apparently they treat their cows ridiculously well. Or we've just answered why Indians have such a low life expectancy. It's not a physically demanding task, but teams have got to do it in one shot or they'll lose a shitload of time, basically. Oh, and each basket has a different end total, so teams can't steal their answers from each other. So, kinda not easy.

Before Antsy can choose their task, Handy and Laura have found their clue, and quickly choose Carry. Yeah, brainpower doesn't seem to be their strong suit. What's more interesting than their reasoning ("Who wants to count nuts?") is the fact that they have to be let OUT of the boutique back onto the streets, so apparently it's like a private, by-appointment-only kind of shop. Maybe they sell guns in the off-season. Sandy gets a clue. Zabrina gets a clue. They both decide to Count, as do Antsy (finally). There is much horn-honking.

It turns out that SanFran's wonderful, perfect cab driver has taken Handy and Laura instead, so that's six trillion points off for the Union Of Indian Reality-Show Guest-Star Cab Drivers (yep, this place is used often enough they have their own union now). Fran can't believe it. A cab driver taking a readily available customer instead of waiting for someone who's going to be inside a store for an unknown length of time? Unbelievable! Laura points out in what is a clearly an after-the-fact voiceover that it's basically impossible to steal another player's cab, no doubt telling us everything you ever wanted to know about how THEM IS JUS JELLUS!!1!1!, but I've started tuning out whenever Handy and Laura start being all smug and self-congratulatory, so I'm not really sure and don't really care. Andy takes the unfortunately hilarious stance that success in the game comes down to "servicing your cabbie". And really, like I've already said once in this very recap, who doesn't like unintentional innuendo? Unintentional in-your-endo always makes things funnier. SanFran do quickly find another cab, so good for them, I guess.

Yeah, I've really stopped caring about this episode.

Back inside the sari shop, the Super Marsio Bros. are still searching for the clue. Marsio tells us in a voiceover that they tend to make things too complicated. I'm sure that's probably true, but this is just a case of it being a luck task, and the Super Marsio Bros. getting screwed the way someone always does by this kind of task. Frankly, as much as I usually like the task design on this show, the result of a million dollar contest should never come down to "Who can find a needle in a haystack, and who will get their fingers pierced?"

SanFran? Still bitching. Zabrina and Joe Jer? Still playing to their strengths, which in this case is apparently their ability to know that walking across of the field while balancing milk on their heads won't be a... well, I was going to say "won't be a walk in the park", but that's sort of the entire point of the task, isn't it? Just change it to the relevant metaphor of your choice.

The Super Marsio Bros. are STILL rifling through all of Kerri-Anne's rejected Logies dresses, but Marsio eventually finds it, to the joy of both themselves and the other people in the store, who can finally begin trying to clean up the joint.

SanFran are pissed because their new driver is not as "aggressive" as the one Handy and Laura now have. Meanwhile, the Super Marsio Bros. think counting is tough, and Handy and Laura arrive at the Field Of Milky Goodness. Against all sense of reason, we finally learn that the Super Marsio Bros. have decided to ignore all of their concerns about how difficult the counting task will be, because milk? Ewwwwwww! I'm honestly not sure what they're going on about, to be honest. They think the counting will be slower but safer, but isn't that exactly the reason you should choose the milk? If you get any milk to the end, it'll stay there for the duration of the task so you can gradually creep up on the necessary amount, but if you make one wrong guess with the nuts, you've got to start all over again. That doesn't sound like the safer option to me. To steal something from another wonderful Amazing Race recapper (and I use the word "wonderful" rather loosely, the same way I might describe syphilis as "wonderful"), this is a bit like that old fable about the tortoise and the hare. Here, the milk task is the tortoise, in that it looks slower, while the counting task is the hare, in that it looks quicker but is much more likely to make you overconfident and snoozy and a loser. It's a very well-planned Detour in comparison to the last one, but most of the tension here is going to come from the counting teams realising they've chosen the wrong task, so it's still not great. Imagine if everyone chose the milk.

Andrew and Syeon have arrived at the nut market, while Handy and Laura are skimming through the milk task, and while Zabrina and Joe Jer are lost. SanFran are not lost, which is a nice change from the usual. They and Antsy both make short work or finding the nut stall, where all the baskets of nuts are set up. There's five pairs of colour-coded baskets set up, but the fun bit is that they're right next to each other, so it's going to be very easy to get confused when all the other teams start counting. Another reason why the milk is such a smart choice.

Zabrina and Joe Jer have arrived at the wrong market. So in addition to being the obviously worse task, the counting isn't easy to find, which maks it even worse. The Super Marsio Bros. have apparently decided that their ability to complete the task will be based solely on how big the nuts are. But... I thought betel nuts were also big (as in "common", not as in "my god, how can e count these when we can't even pick them up") in Indonesia. So how don't they know what the things look like? Or is that actual beetles? The Beatles? Volkswagen Beetles? Gummi beetles? Betelgeuse? Beetroots?

...Damn you, Wikipedia.

Handy seems to think they'll be "better off not putting too much in the pot". Clearly, he also thinks sanely choosing this task was an aberration that must be fixed. Basically, the pot weighs the same amount every time they have to carry it back and forth over the field, and they'll be getting more and more tired everytime they have to do it. Now, let's say you can either load up, ten litres -- about the weight of a three-year-old, and about as much as it looks like the pots will comfortably hold -- into each pot, and walk across four times each (because ten litres times four crosses times two players makes eighty litres in the finish bucket), or you can load up four litres -- about the weight of a fat newborn -- into each and walk across ten times to deliver the same amount. Since you're going to spend roughly the same amount of time ladling the eightly litres of milk into the pots either way, and since that size really isn't enough to drastically slow you down enough when carrying the milk over, the best way to approach this task is to make as few crossings as possible. Which Handy isn't doing. (Ironically, the best approach to making these recaps funny is not to spend so much time analysing why Handy needs to go fuck himself with a flagpole, but here we are.)

Elsewhere, SanFran are baffled at the betel nuts, Zabrina and Joe Jer are frustrated on some footpath, and the Super Marsio Bros. are confounded in their cab. Lesson: You cannot compete on The Amazing Race if you are rarely addled.

Handy claims the milke is going to make him "smelly". I know! His stench is so bad I'm overpowered from it, even though I'm four years in the future and behind a computer screen!

At the market, SanFran start again with their red basket (because red makes you fuck up faster), while Antsy decide to count out a hundred at a time together, then put it in. Good idea. Easier to stop yourselves from getting confused.

Basically, here, there's a bunch if quick cuts which pretty much just show them doing stuff silently and not being very mockable. It's very boring, as I'm sure you can tell by the simple fact I'm not actually doing a play-by-play for this little bit. Oh, aside from the bit where the editors have decided to show everybody else's silent teamwork as a contrast for Andy's whining over milk dripping down his back. Yes, he's actually crying over spilt milk. The saying has purpose! (Still meaningless: "There's nowt so queer as folk", "army intelligence", "Justin Bieber".)

Suddenly Antsy have lost track of how many hundreds of nuts they've counted. Similarly, I've lost track of how many times I've used the word "nuts" in this recap. Nuts nuts nuts. Nuts for all!

Handy suggests that it's quicker if one of them (by which he means himself, of course) ladles milk continuously, while the other (by which he means Laura, of course) hauls it across a field continuously. Not surprisingly, Laura isn't having a bar of it, milky or otherwise. What happened to the Milkybar Kid, anyway? I don't know, but I do know that everybody else is still exactly where they were before, until the Super Marsio Bros. finally arrive at the market. SanFran think they have 1,114 nuts, but are wrong. San tells Fran to add another twenty on for some they aren't sure they missed. I'm not sure which is funnier here, that she somehow decides 1,114 + 20 = 11,420, or that they get told they have to count the entire bundle again before they make a second guess. Elsewhere, Laura must have gotten her way, which means Handy gets to whine about the damn milk again. Back at the market, the Super Marsio Bros. are starting to count, while SanFran are continuing to screw themselves over with their inability to work effectively or efficiently. San tells us that it's "the most frustrating that I've been on a task". I'll say. It's nice to know his grammar's gone out in sympathy.

Commercials. Wow, I can't believe I've been working on this recap since before Christmas. At this rate, we might get the season finished by the time an all-female team wins the American version.

When we return, one of the Super Marsio Bros has dropped one, and SanFran are for some unknown reason moving their nuts back into the first basket to start again, apparently not realising they could save time by counting again as they go. Out in the ether somewhere, Zabrina has FINALLY found someone who knows where the market is. Hooray! While Antsy count with much less hullabaloo than the other two teams present, the Super Marsio Bros. have hit on a way that might work -- splitting the nuts into groups of ten and counting the groups instead of individual nuts. SanFran's next guess of 1,210 is also wrong. San suggests they start counting them again, as though they had any other option.

Zabrina and Joe Jer are apparently within walking distance of the market, and can point it out to us. Lucky, considering none of the locals can.

Locals play some sort of streetside version of soccer. But, given it's India, perhaps they're actually using their legs as replacement cricket bats or something.

At the Field Of Milky Goodness, birds flock to Handy and Laura continue hauling. They finish the task, thus proving once and for all that Counting Is Bad. Smelling beautiful, and expecting a clue directing them to the Pit Stop, Laura instead reads the Oddly-Worded Words Of Warning, those which mention the host waiting, but which do not mention a Pit Stop. This time, WuWho is waiting on a terrace over the Kolay Market, which he himself tells us is "located opposite the Sealdah train station". It's interesting for many reasons, not least of all that Phil had never actually done a voiceover for the clue directing teams to the mid-leg checkpoint before (and only ever done one for season 14's double-leg in Beijing), but also because it strongly suggests a long-haul train ride is coming up. As we all know from watching this show, Indian trains tend to allow for neither rest nor relaxation, so next week's probably going to be a very short-tempered one for the contestants.

Meanwhile, Antsy have their correct total of 1,212, as Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive. Out in their cab, they have to convince their driver not to tell SanFran's, who is also still waiting and likely getting pretty fed up by this point. As Zabrina and Joe Jer get up on the little stage or whatever it is that's been set up, the Super Marsio Bros. seem to think their delay was because of some problems with the milk task. Of course, had they chosen the milk, they'd probably be on their way to the checkpoint by now, but still. SanFran are wrong again, as are the Super Marsio Bros. Fran finally suggests counting them in piles of twenty.

Handy and Laura are speeding along.

Inside, the Super Marsio Bros. can't even organise how they're going to count the nuts this time, let alone perform the task. This does not bode well, unless you have Inability To Count on your Killer Fatigue Bingo cards.

Antsy? Still cruising.

SanFran are wrong AGAIN, and Fran thinks they might only be one away. With their next guess of 1,219, though, the Super Marsio Bros. are none away, and finally get to leave. Fran's theory is wrong, and she resorts to having to count them in piles of ten. Zabrina and Joe Jer are also incorrect. (Today's show is brought to you by the number 666.) They try once more with a minimum of fuss and histrionics, and how did they get all the way through the auditions? Meanwhile, Fran confessionals that she told them to shut up because their competence was distracting her. Or something. But she was long way gone before the girls even arrived, so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here. San tells us it was hard to block them out, and Zabrina takes the absolutely correct moral standpoint that this is a competition, and they were going to try the strategy that they were hoping would work for them. Good for her. And it does work, becuase their guess of 1,234 (how... obvious?) is indeed correct. Zabrina apologises to SanFran as they leave, now wrongly under the impression that she owes them for something, and Fran takes the chance to claim it screwed her up right at the end.

At the Kolay Market, Handy and Laura and Antsy have both arrived, and begin searching on foot for the flagged entrance they need. First to find it are Handy and Laura, who appear to ditch their bags at some point between entering the building and walking out onto the checkpoint mat. Look, I'm not going to insult your intelligence here. You know and I know that this one isn't a Pit Stop, and it's the seasonal "Psyche! Still racing!" point. Andy and Laura also know, and Laura immediately holds her hand out to grab the next clue. As expected, we are...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Next week: Let's see what we can tell from the ad, bearing in mind the next episode aired more than three years ago, is probably readily downloadable if you know where to look, and has part of the season's Wikipedia article written about it. It's clearly still in India, and Handy and Laura are standing around in the middle of the day, waving their arms around, which suggests to me they've completely hit the wall, giving them a case of amnesia so bad they don't even remember they're in a race. Oh, goody. The voiceover guy gets to use the words "Andy and Sandy drag their asses down the streets", and mean it, so one point for him. Unfortunately for all of us lusty perverts, the accompanying footage makes it entirely clear they're leading donkeys. Shame. The teams get nice and muddy. At least, I hope that's mud, or they could wind up becoming literal and metaphorical bullshit artists. Hee. Actually, now I hope it's not.

1x08: Krabi, Thailand

2009-10-22T18:26:00.000-07:00

The teams take to the water! Well, eventually they do.

====================

Previously on Lost In Translationalising: Seven teams flew from Queenstown to Singapore to do absolutely nothing that wound up having any consequence on the episode as a whole, as well as nothing of any interest in general. Said waste of episode time included making suggestive gestures with a car (San), washing the very same cars (everyone except San), and dancing in a fountain like Friends did circa-1996 (nobody, but wouldn't it have made the episode more fun?). From there, everyone took a midnight joyflight to Bangkok, whereupon they collectively decided to sue whoever deemed it a "joyflight" as false advertising. Bells were tinkly. Teams somehow managed to be so polluted with Ugly that I wound up having to add another whole page to The List. Handy and Laura's only real issues were with each other as opposed to their Thai compatriots, and they unsurprisingly finished first. Zabrina and Joe Jer, probably the least Ugly of the remaining five teams, rocked up last and were thankfully saved by a non-elimination, leaving us with a glimmer of hope about having a likable pair of winners. Zabrina shrieked in response to being considered likable. Six teams still remain. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. Head-turn, head-turn, head-turn! Head-turn like you mean it! Please don't make me Yield you! [YIELD!]

We open on a solitary tree, which represents Bangkok in the Thailand of WuWho's Mind. A Buddhist monk walks around, trying to ignore the shameful lack of complete and total poverty. WuWho tells us that Bangkok is filled to bursting point with streets and markets and traffic, and we DID watch the last episode, you know. "Dotted amongst the frenzied activity" are a ragtag assortment of Buddhist temples, each devoted to celebrating religion and Richard Gere movies. One of these temples in Wat Pho, where the only Pretty Woman is one who walks in off the streets to worship at the giant lazing Buddha statue. Wat Pho was the seventh Pit Stop, and the final six teams must leave it in the same order they arrived, but apparently not twelve hours after they did so.

Handy and Laura will be the first team out, and they'll be doing it at the convenient time of 1:00am. I wonder whether they can manage to keep their lead! Laura reads the clue, which tells them to take a taxi to the Southern bus station, and then head by bus to Krabi. WuWho's expositional introduction to Krabi adds nothing except for some pretty shots, reminiscent of the last time the race was in the area back in the very first American season, and the detail that the teams will have to find some flagged longtail boats on Nopparat Thara Bay. Laura snatches the cash, because Handy can't be trusted not to waste money. Just look at all the money he's spent on Laura! Jump-cutting all over the place, they get to the bus station in record time, and Handy tells us in a voice-over that their plan is to not have a plan, thus defeating the entire purpose of having a plan.

1:05am. Antsy. Admiral Whinypants reads the bit in the clue clarifying the difference between "travel by bus" and "travel however you damned well feel like". He voices over that he thinks Handy and Laura are going to Yield them, because they've finished first "twice in a row" while Antsy have been second. See? The Queenstown leg, in which Handy and Laura were second and Antsy fourth, was so bad that he's completely repressed it from his memory! Also, it turns out that "everyone's playing games at the moment". In a competition? On what is pretty much a game show on wheels? Never!

1:11am. Howard and Cirran. We learn they've been told not to find Nopparat Thara Bay, but to get themselves to a specific beach which I'm not even going to try and spell, because it's got one of those names that'll sound like I'm taking the piss if I get it wrong. Even more than usual, I mean. Cirran voices over that he and Howard are so exhausted, they don't even know what day or time it is. I'm going to take a stab and say it's probably nighttime, what with the complete lack of sunlight and all, but... you know. I'm not a weather guy, I might be wrong.

At the bus station, Laura tells Handy that there are going to be two buses down to Krabi -- one leaving at 7:30am, the other a full half-hour earlier. She knows that it's going to be a long ride, so suggests that they head for a nearby hotel to catch something approaching sleep.

1:36am. SanFran. Fran tells us that everyone else seems to think that San is a physical threat, because he "has the willpower to just push on through". Not like the other five teams, each of whom have all quit a RoadBlock already -- Howard quit the shark tank in Sydney, while the other four teams are the four beach-dig quitters who survived the Bali leg. So to recap: SanFran are the strongest team left in this competition, for the sole reason that they're completing the tasks to begin with.

Antsy and Howard and Cirran have both reached the bus station, and seem to find a bus leaving at 5:30am. Score! Howard wants to try and figure out where it's going to. I can see how that might be an important little detail to check out. They learn from a random helpful local that the 5:30 bus must be for some other place, because the 7am bus is the earliest one to Krabi. Howard believes that Handy and Laura are cowards and went back to the Pit Stop hotel rather than spend the night sleeping on a bus station floor. At the hotel, Handy and Laura do a little camera-aware bit in which they try to decide whether to go into the hotel or spend the night on the mosquito-filled streets of Bangkok. But since they've already taken the taxi back to the hotel, it's sort of an anti-climax. What will they choose? What, I ask you? WHAT?

1:55am. Super Marsio Bros. They tell us in a shared hotel-room confessional that they're trying to finish somewhere in the middle of the pack, because they don't need to win yet, so that it will be more of a surprise when they "strike" "like a dragon". They laugh, because the idea of attacking dragons are never not mildly funny. In their cab, they briefly debate the merits of advanced Jungian psychology. (...Fine. They actually argue about money a little, before coming to the conclusion that whatever money they were given when they were leaving the Pit Stop should cover them until the end of the leg, unless they get lost.) It turns out that in the absence of airport leg massager chairs, they've decided to spend much of their money replacing their big heavy backpacks with smaller, lighter models, and are suitably miffed that they're only being given forty bucks to get themselves down to Krabi. Honestly, it serves them right, really.

The Super Marsio Bros. find the other teams, still waiting. However, we suddenly jump-cut to Howard and Cirran and Antsy, in the same location, without the Super Marsio Bros. in sight. The fuck? They decide that instead of going to the hotel, they'll work together to get to Krabi as quickly as they can. Strangely, the quickest way seems to be by switching buses in a place called Prachuap, which may or may not even HAVE buses to Krabi. These two teams and the Super Marsio Bros. all board the Prachuap bus.

3:27am. Zabrina and Joe Jer. Wow, that wasn't even close last week, was it? And yet they still managed to make it seem tight -- it's a sign these editors actually know what they're doing, even though there are jump-cuts all over the shop this week, and we're only six and a half minutes in. We do not get to see them tell us how much money they'll have to make up to be on something approaching even footing with the other teams.

Bus to Prachuap. Howard is happy to have a seat and air-conditioning. Three cheers for arse comfort!

Zabrina and Joe Jer get a montage of them standing around and sorting through the money all the other teams have given them, and then of them begging random people for cash. So, as usual, the penalty they got at the end of the last leg means nothing for them, but does mean the other teams and a bunch of locals are a few dollars poorer.

Bus. Marsio has learned that there aren't any buses to Krabi from Prachuap. Probably should have looked into that before you got on the bus, huh? Admiral Whinypants and Howard try and work out whether they should stop and go back to the bus terminal. They don't know.

SanFran display the first moment of racing ability we've seen this episode, by telling us that since they found out before getting to the bus terminal that the counters wouldn't be open until 5am, they went straight back to the hotel for some sleep. They and the girls (nickname pending) search for tickets. Handy and Laura soon arrive and follow. Zabrina and Joe Jer are shocked to learn that travelling halfway across Thailand by bus will take most of the day to do.

Prachuap bus. Howard's ultimate decision is to sit tight and "enjoy the journey". Because that helps you get to Krabi faster? I don't know how that could possibly be considered a good strategy. Either head back to Bangkok and catch the bus to Krabi, get to some other stop on the line to Krabi and head from there, or work out how to get from Prachuap from Krabi while you're on the bus so you don't have to waste time when you arrive. God. There's being a laid-back racer, and then there's complete and utter failure to understand the definition of the word "race". And guess which category this decision falls under?

Bangkok. Laura tells us she knew there was another bus, so Handy decided to check what times the other buses left. Which will make a difference while you're on the first bus... how? Laura tells Handy to sit back down, because she doesn't want to have to miss the bus they're already on -- which is leaving in "three minutes". Handy basically tells her to be quiet, because the grown-ups are talking, and walks off to check anyway. Aren't the team partners supposed to stay with each other at all times? I thought that was one of the basic rules of this show. Laura claims that this "could be fatal, absolutely fatal". SanFran are happy to be on the bus, but annoyed at how long it will take to get to Krabi. They think the other teams have either found a better way of getting to Krabi, or are "just taking their sssssweeet time". Handy comes back, telling Laura that the next bus will get to Krabi at the "same time", six o'clock that night.

The Amazing Yellow Squiggle slowly makes its way down from Bangkok to Krabi, with a little assistance from the Amazing Red Squiggle.

Four hours in, the Super Marsio Bros. sit patiently in their seats, while the other teams on the "local bus" sleep their day away.

On the "express bus", Zabrina and Joe Jer tell us that the three non-Prachuap-ing teams are on their bus, while SanFran play with their food, and Handy and Laura try to make it to Krabi without wanting to decapitate each other. Joe Jer thinks that the Local Bus teams are "really intelligent".

Thus explaining why, after 5 hours, they are getting off the bus in Prachuap with no plan for getting the rest of the way to Krabi. They learn that there actually IS a bus from Prachuap which will get them to Krabi... but it's still going to take them another ten hours from the time it departs. The Super Marsio Bros. are not happy to learn about this, and perhaps they should have done their own work instead of blindly following the other two teams who didn't even check to make sure the bus would go where they needed it to go. Howard tries to look on the bright side, saying that at least they get a chance to stretch their legs. Cirran looks like he could cut someone at this point.

Commercials. This week's Andy Hallett Memorial Award goes to Andrew Günsberg. Fuck or pass?

Prachuap bus station. Howard provides a quick interview explaining that everyone who boarded the Local Bus of Stupidity is going to have to wait around for another two-and-a-half hours before they can even get onto the ten-hour bus trip to Krabi. So, to recap, the direct route to Krabi will take the other teams eleven hours. The route these guys are taking through Prachuap is going to take them seventeen-and-a-half hours. Go productivity! He thinks the Express Bus teams are going to get in about four hours ahead of them. Syeon monotonously voices over that she would rather race with all six teams than with only three. But the problem is... she is racing against all of the other five teams. It's just that three of them don't suck the bag. Shut up, Syeon.

Admiral Whinypants has found a bus with a driver saying he's headed to Krabi, even though the guy at the counter tells Howard it doesn't. After 6 hours of travel time in total, they board it and head off, apparently to another city with another bus statino and plenty of ways to get to Krabi.

Express Bus of Not Sucking The Bag. Handy and Laura tell us that either they somehow managed to get an earlier bus to Krabi, or they're on the direct bus from Bangkok, which was supposed to leave an hour later and still arrive at the same time as Handy and Laura's bus.

The bag-suckers arrive in a place called Chumphon, and immediately begin looking for the Krabi bus. Turns out there doesn't appear to be one. Mardy tells us he thinks everyone "made a big mistake by leaving early". It sort of seems as though the teams themselves got off their bus early for no logical reason, even though they were sure they could get to Krabi from where they were headed. Not that that should surprise you at this point. They have trouble both getting their point across and finding the bus stop, but soon get onto a bus to Muang Mai. A "Travel Time: 9 Hours" graphic shows up, to remind us how stupid these teams have been today. Apparently, from Muang Mai there's definitely a bus to Krabi. Well, it's about time they started heading to the right city.

As Howard tries to sleep, with his head sticking out the window (yes, I'm serious), the Super Marsio Bros. tell us their decision-making skills sucked. At least we agree on something.

Express Bus of Not Sucking The Bag. Handy and Laura hit upon the right answer with regards to the other teams, wondering whether they got an earlier bus somewhere and decided to try and "wing it" to Krabi, "doing change after change after change". Joe Jer tells us that it's either "a very intelligent, very cunning move; or a very stupid move." One point for her.

At the Muang Mai bus terminal, the bag-suckers arrive and learn that they can get a bus at 2:30 that afternoon, which will arrive in Krabi at 8:30. Mardy yells at Marsio to stop eating. Marsio sort of just waves him off.

Express Bus. Laura tells us how the bus has been "reasonably comfortable", and raves about the choice of entertainment.

Muang Mai. Cirran tells us that the bag-suckers will wind up having to make yet another bus switch before they get to Krabi, because the bus coming down from Bangkok is full. So now, they're all taking a six-hour trip to Phuket, and will have to wait there for three more hours before they can even get on the final bus. Andrew thinks they're "in trouble". Well, yes, dear. Kind of. What gave it away?

The Amazing Map turns back up, with the Amazing Squiggles finally approaching Krabi. The Amazing Red Squiggle is now littered with yellow dots showing the changeover points in Prachuap, Chumphon, and Muang Mai, all unlabelled, which is sort of funny. As it zigzags down to Phuket, the Amazing Yellow Squiggle head straight to Krabi. Rather than comment on the extra time transferring through Phuket will use up, WuWho chooses to mention the extra 200 kilometres of road teams will get to stare out of.

12 hours. Howard explains the situation for the third time in ninety seconds, and complains about how "crabby" he and Cirran are.

Express Bus of Not Sucking The Bag. San tells us that, after only eleven hours, the bus is almost at Krabi. And right on cue, with Handy fidgeting like a five year old who needs to be taken to the toilet, the bus has arrived. WuWho interrupts my celebrations at finally getting to the end of the Less Than Amazing Bus Ride section of this recap, by telling us that the teams will have to take a songtheow (basically, the love child of a military Jeep and a panel van) from the bus station to Nopparat Thara Bay.

All three teams have no trouble getting songtheows, but Fran ventures uncomfortably back into Ugly Racer Mode for a moment. In theirs, Laura bitches about how they didn't pick the right "bus", because it's old and slow. She thinks this is picking the wrong bus? Boy, is she taking part in the wrong episode. Fran tells San that she hates not knowing whether she's heading in the right direction. Because, you know, SanFran are so good at reading maps. The girls' (nickname pending) are in a songtheow adorned with a couple of painted American flags. Apparently, there are only twelve stars for twelve states. Eat it, the rest of you! Laura tells Handy to "get on with it" when he dares to talk about fixing something, but it's not entirely clear what either of them means. Switching songtheows? I'm really not sure. San says he and Fran are going to "sit back and wait and see what happens". Well, I'm no expert on winning races, but I have to say that even I know that "sitting back" and waiting won't exactly get you to the end of the race very quickly. Or at all.

The three teams have found the Visitor's Centre they apparently need to go to, and have learned that it's closed. Therefore, all the bad racing we've had up until this point, and there has been a LOT of it, is entirely worthless, because all the teams are going to catch up by 8am the next morning, which is when it opens. I get that this would have happened even if the teams had all been on the same bus, but still? Fuck that shit. Zabrina wants to find somewhere to stay.

15 hours into the Bus Rides of Bag-Sucking. Cirran, official Spokesperson of Suck, tells us that the loser teams have managed to get their driver to call another driver, and arrange to switch buses "halfway between Phuket and Krabi", so they can cut off most of the travel time they'd had left. Cirran is just a little bit excited to finally have a bus headed to Krabi. On the new bus, Marsio says he "has no idea" where he is, other than that he's in Thailand. Cirran thinks the loser teams will "still have a chance" if they get to Krabi quickly.

The leading teams book hotel rooms, with the Tinkly Music of Slight Humour playing in the background. Fran wants a hotel with air conditioning. Handy provides a nice, less-than-subtle plug for the network. Shut up, Handy. The girls and SanFran share a room, and San is officially the happiest man in Krabi right now.

Not for long, though, because the bag-suckers have finally arrived, after sixteen whole hours of bus travel. The Super Marsio Bros. soon realise that after they pay for their songtheow to the beach, they won't have any money left at all. Syeon tells us that Antsy, in all their lack of understanding that they are not the other teams' parents, have given the Super Marsio Bros. some money so they can get to the beach. Howard laments the day he's had. The Super Marsio Bros. point out that it's 7pm, and they've been in a bus since 3am.

The bag-suckers arrive at the Visitor's Centre, also learning that it's closed. Just like the leaders, they all decide that they need a hotel for the night, because whoever heard of camping out? Only savages do that. Savages, I tell you! Mardy and Marsio, of course, have to beg for even more money before they can get one. They confessional from a beach that it's hard for them because they were born well-off. Because begging just comes naturally to poor people, apparently. I sort of understand where they're coming from, but... I just wish they'd expressed their sentiments a bit better, you know? They eventually decide to start selling stuff, like Mardy's hat from New Zealand, because they know it's not going to be easy to finagle money off of people when they're so fat. Did you know they're fat? They would like to remind you again.

The next morning, the sun rises, which is a bit of a shocker. At 8am, the teams sprint along a dirt path to the cluebox. Admiral Whinypants is ridiculously fast, which I'm sure will mean he'll find a reason to whine about Syeon not being as quick as he is. Inside the yellow Detour envelope is not only the Detour itself, but also a Fast Forward, which sort of make it feel like it's been demoted even farther than it has been in the past to Third Detour Option, when it should really be so much more. It was bad enough when they cut it down to two a season, and picked tasks only one team at a time could attempt. But anyway.

Fast Forward. WuWho struts along the beach, with his black shirt unbuttoned halfway, and his sleeves rolled up. He looks as though he's sort of trying to strip, but forgot that his shirt doesn't have velcro bits going up the arms. He explains the basic Fast Forward administrivia, about how only one team can win it and whoever does gets to go straight to the Pit Stop and choosing when it's a good idea to try and yada yada WHATEVER. In this one, teams take a longtail boat to Pranang Bay to find the instructions, next to a set of kayaks. Then they've still got to do whatever's in the cluebox before they win the Fast Forward.

Admiral Whinypants orders Syeon to choose whether to go for the Fast Forward. You'll note that none of the teams left have won the Fast Forward before, and, since this is probably their last chance to win it, there's even more reason to go for it, even if there is an even larger risk to be taken. SanFran ignore it and see the Detour.

From the same beach and with the same not-a-stripper shirt on, WuWho explains this Detour, with its two tasks and numerous pros and cons and this is seriously too much syntax in too short a time. This time, the teams have to get to a little tiny island called Koh Poda, where they'll find the two tasks, which have been named Smash and Grab. Because Thailand? Full of thieves. In Smash, you get a hammer and a pile of 75 coconuts, and you've got to keep busting them open until you find the only coconut filled with red ink. In Grab, you put on snorkels and search 100 buoys with clues attached to their anchor ropes, right near the shore, for one of the ten with correct clues. So, basically, the tasks are exactly the same hideous creation, with your only real decision to make being, "Do I feel like going on international TV in my Speedo?"

Unsurprisingly, after we have to sit through the teams all reading the instructions for Smash, and being indecisive for a little while, we learn that only one team will be swimming. Sadly, that team is not SanFran, but Antsy. For some reason, everyone loves the words "smash the coconuts". (By the way, Smash The Coconuts is totally going to be the name of my new novel set in the world of Japanese gameshows.)

Everyone gets in their boats. Fran thinks the coconut-smashing will take longer, but hopes that she and San will be able to finish it quickly. Because, as you know, it's always a good strategy to do the task you know will take you longer.

The boats speed across the water, Thai flags flapping in the breeze. Zabrina is happy to be overtaking another team. Mardy asks Marsio if he wants to go for the Fast Forward. Marsio wants to watch and see where the other teams are going first. Logical. Howard tells us there's "a bit of a risk" in trying for the Fast Forward, because of what happened with Journey way back in Jakarta. Boy, it feels like forever ago, doesn't it? The Super Marsio Bros. ask their driver which direction the Fast Forward is in. Antsy think they probably should have done it, because they think it's a rock climbing challenge, and they both go rock climbing all the time. Rock climbing? With kayaks? (Also, Foreshadowing.) When the Super Marsio Bros. learn that the Fast Forward is only "ten minutes" away, they decide to head for it.

Commercials. The world is a terrible place, Agent Mulder.

Not commercials. Marsio confirms that he and Mardy will try the Fast Forward. Admiral Whinypants notices that only five of the teams are headed for Koh Poda, and tells Syeon. For whatever reason, Admiral Whinypants seems to like obsessing about the other teams and where they are. Perhaps he could try focusing on his own race for once, because after yesterday, it's quite evident Antsy's strategy really needs some improvement if they want to survive much longer. Marsio thinks the others will be confused when they don't show up at the Detour. Yeah, not so much. Cirran marvels at the beauty of the islands, some of which he's about to get un close and personal with.

The teams arrive at Koh Poda en masse, and begin running to the tasks, which basically could not be closer together unless the coconuts were physically attached to the buoys. Handy and Laura bitch some more, this time about how Handy always talks to Laura like she's a child. I would have an easier time feigning sympathy for her if she wasn't such acting like a heinous bitch in her own right. Coconut-smashing occurs, with Howard and Fran watching as San and Cirran smash, even though Zabrina and Joe Jer show that each team gets two hammers. Huh.

In the water. Syeon voices over that Admiral Whinypants is a fast swimmer, so she was just trying to keep in his general area, lest he whine that she's not keeping up. Just out of curiosity, have we even seen Syeon do anything aside from following Admiral Whinypants yet? Aside from the RoadBlock's she's had (one of which she quit anyway), she has done practically nothing in the eight legs she's been racing. It's sort of one of those things I wouldn't normally bring up, but since she's been talking about it a little bit over the past few episodes, it's my job to mention it, you know? Anyway. They find a "Try Again" envelope.

People smash coconuts, some with more force than others. (Remind me not to get San in a bad mood.) Antsy are still swimming, and come up short again. (Get it? Because they're little? Oh, never mind.) Howard wants Cirran to watch what he's doing, because you know what helps you get the task done faster? Working at half of capacity.

The Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the kayak beach. Reading the clue, they learn that they'll have to paddle around the edge of the cliffs to find the Fast Forward. WuWho reminds us that the first team to find it wins, just in case you thought otherwise. Mardy tells us he's never kayaked before, as though we care.

Handy and Laura have finally reached their coconuts, while San and his very, very small singlet (yay!) continue to smash. Fran has to remind San that they're not looking for a coconut with a clue inside, they're looking for one with "coloured milk". Zabrina and Joer Jer confessional that San was making the coconuts spray like a fountain, while they themselves were hitting them limply. But on the plus side, though, they did take advantage of the free coconut milk on offer. San tells us that, being "a lot more fitter" [sic], he could keep going without the need for a break. Everyone smashes some more.

Antsy swims.

The Super Marsio Bros. have not chickened out of their Fast Forward, but also haven't started to kayak yet, because they're still trying to figure out how to get on the damn kayak without falling over. Heh.

Laura realises the coconut-smashing "isn't gonna be easy". San wonders whether it'd be better for them to swim. Surely, out of all the people on the beach at the moment, he'd be the one person who shouldn't even consider switching, given how well they've been going.

Antsy have found one of the correct clues. Even Joe Jer notices.

Cirran has only managed to open one coconut. Handy and Laura tell us that once they knew the coconuts still had their husks on, they figured that smashing them open was going to take a while. Add in Antsy finishing the swimming so quickly, and it's no surprise that Handy and Laura decide to be the first team to switch to swimming.

The Super Marsio Bros. tell us that, because they're so fat, it's harder for them to balance. Because, as you know, sumo wrestlers fall over much more often than stick-thin waifs. They talk about how they kept tipping over. Given that they haven't even reached the cliffs yet, let alone started to paddle around them, I have to wonder how fast the producers expected this Fast Forward to be.

Antsy high-five. Meanwhile, Laura bitches about how tight her snorkelling mask is, because it's toooootally Handy's fault. (Also tight? Her grandma-style bathing suit.) Antsy open the clue, and it's the RoadBlock.

WuWho explains, but not before giving us the stock-standard one-person-does-it speech. This time, the teams have to head to the Raile East 123 Wall, which WuWho tells us is popular "amongst rock-climbing enthusiasts". And monkeys, it seems. There, the chosen person has to rock climb up the cliffs to a hanging clue. That's... actually a pretty decent task. The RoadBlocks this season have tended to be pretty sucky, all things considered, but this one is awesome. Mostly because the others have either involved little or no skill on behalf of the person doing it, but still. Even the two of them that actually were difficult -- the beach dig and the aquarium -- were horrible ideas. This one? Not so much. It's already my favourite RoadBlock we've had so far this season, and we haven't even gotten to see it yet.

We cut back to Antsy, who decide from the "Who wants to rock?" clue that Admiral Whinypants will do it, and make Syeon even more superfluous in the process. There's a bit of writing beneath the hint reading, "This challenge is physical and requires a steady nerve," which make the hint itself entirely pointless.

Mardy and Marsio continue arguing about who's in charge or rowing and who's in charge of balancing. They do not seem to realise that it's possible to do two things at once, unless one of those two things is being snitty with each other.

San keeps smashing.

While Handy and Laura keep swimming, Laura voices over that they were extremely lucky to find a clue quickly, because they could have had to swim around to every single buoy before they found one. Except... no. Wouldn't there still have been nine correct ones after Antsy left the water?

Ashore, people keep smashing to their heart's content. Soon, we learn that neither option is good for the players' bodies, with Andy having a stitch from the swimming, and Howard getting blisters from the coconuts. Howard confessionals that he and Cirran thought the coconuts they'd have to chop would be like those fake looking ones they had on Gilligan's Island. Because they would like a little less physical activity in their race, if that's all right with you. Handy has a bunch of jellyfish stings. Ouch. San hits a coconut so hard with his hammer that the coconut rolls away and he breaks the hammer. Heeeeeee hee hee.

Handy and Laura read the RoadBlock clue. Handy apologises, apparently for taking the task away from Laura. So, instead of rock-climbing in Thailand, Laura will have to rock-climb when she returns home to... Thailand. Not seeing why he has anything to apologise for here.

Howard tells Cirran that they're going to have to switch tasks soon, because Howard's hands are all sore and "ripped up" and making him whine.

Fast Forward. The Super Marsio Bros. have finally made it to the cliffs, and are now paddling around.

While the trailing teams continue to Smash, Handy tells the camera from his boat that he thinks the others are going to be put off their game seeing Antsy and his own team finish Smash quickly. Or, possibly, it'll encourage them to switch to it and finish faster, but what do I know? I only mock people in big gigantic blog posts.

Commercials. Motion to fill the hole in the ozone (however large it is) with the cumulative hot air spewed forth by climate change alarmists?

Detour. Cirran wants Howard to just grab some gloves from somewhere and come back to help him smash through the rest of the coconuts. Howard, on the other hand, just wants to swim. I would probably find this argument a lot more interesting in terms of a racing strategy viewpoint if we hadn't already seen the end result in last week's previews for this episode. Cirran's basic argument is, and I quote, "Howard, don't waste time." Of course, he's right, in that they should be trying to finish one task or the other, but the fact that he's actually stopped smashing to argue really detracts from what he was trying to say.

SanFran don't have very many coconuts left. The girls realise that the Super Marsio Bros. must have taken the Fast Forward. Of course! It all makes so much sense now!

Fast Forward Of Slowness. Marsio can't find it.

Beach. Fran snots, as someone will always do if there's a luck-based challenge like this, that it's always the last one you try that winds up working. Well, of course, dear. Why would you keep smashing more coconuts when you've already found the right one?

Antsy sit around in their boat, smiling. Life-changing television, this.

San finally smashes open the red-milk coconut, cheering as he rips the rest of it open with his bare hands. Took him long enough. Suddenly, Cirran wants to swim, and Howard bitchily remarks that he just offered and Cirran didn't want to, so now they're going to stay and do the boats.

Fast Forward. Now, the Super Marsio Bros. can't even decide which side of them the cliffs are on, despite being right next to them. Oh, yes. I'm serious. While SanFran read the clue, the Super Marsio Bros. dock at a cave and enter it in search of the clue.

Howard and Cirran continue to argue passive-aggressively about whether to switch. There's a whole bunch of Killer Fatigue (ie. teams getting so burned out by the race they probably won't be able to recover until they're eliminated) going on with these teams at the moment, and most of it seems to be coming from Howard and Cirran. Don't get me wrong, the other racers (particularly Fran, as well as Handy and Laura) are certainly well on the way, but right now? These guys are leading the pack in terms of my desire to say "OMG! What a couple of dicks!"

Zabrina tells Joe Jer that the coconut-smashing "is really hurting". She confessionals that the only reason they stuck with it for as long as they did is because, after "the last time" (by which I assume she means "after Bali"), they wanted to keep going until they finished. But eventually they switch anyway. As SanFran board their boat and head off for the RoadBlock, both of these teams head out into the water to swim.

Fast Forward. The Super Marsio Bros. still can't find it.

San is giddily excited about going rock-climbing. He is adooooorable with his childlike innocence sometimes. I just want to pinch his cheek.

Antsy think some of the teams will "forfeit" if the rock-climbing is on something like an actual cliff. Nice to see some respect for the other teams and their abilities, isn't it? They and Handy and Laura (who can see a clue on the cliff from their boat) arrive at the wall. It seems as though the six clues on the wall are on six different climbing paths, and the teams get to choose which one they want to take. Nice. Handy and Laura, of course, can't even get off their boat without sniping at each other.

Detour. Both remaining teams are still in the water. Howard gives us a rundown of the situation, telling us that they'd essentially started from opposite ends of the search area, and that the girls were able to find one first. Woo! They read the clue, as Admiral Whinypants picks his wall.

RoadBlock Rock. Laura wants Handy to choose the climb with the lowest clue, even though "it's inverted" and there's practically nothing for Handy to hold onto, which will make it harder than, say, a very simple climb to the highest clue. This. RoadBlock. Is. Brilliant. So unbelievably well thought-out. If only the producers of this show -- and the American version while we're at it, because let's face it, the task planning sucks nowadays -- put this much effort into the tasks as opposed to trying to manufacture contrived drama, then the drama would create itself and wind up being infinitely better than the umpteenth rehash of "Dating couple! Racing to see whether they're right for each other!" We don't need ridiculous twists. We don't need the teams to come with "hooks" to get us to care about them in the near-absence of competent editing. What we need are interesting, well thought-out challenges that show off why the location was deemed Amazing enough to be worth visiting, and the quality locales to match. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't create an entire leg's worth of decent tasks, then hold off on wherever it is you've chosen until you can, or hire some fresh eyes to work on task planning. Don't insult your audience by resorting to offensive stereotypes and stupid, Wipeout-style tasks that have nothing to do with anything. (Also, while I'm at it, American version? Get out of Europe and Asia. It doesn't even seem to be budget cuts that are forcing it to happen. If it was, we would have had at least one leg in Canada or Central America recently, and yet the entire continent, Pacific-Ocean-bordering American states aside, has been all but ignored since the Family Edition. Which is a shame, because the best legs of said monstrosity of a season were the non-US legs, and the two on the eastern coast of the US. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make me have to rant about them again.)

...I can't believe I'm ranting like this after a GOOD task. Right. Moving on, shall we?

Detour. Howard and Cirran are still swimming around aimlessly. Well, as aimlessly as you can be when you know exactly what you've got to do, that is.

RoadBlock Rock. Admiral Whinypants begins climbing up the cliff.

In their boats, Joe Jer and Fran work on bandaging San and Zabrina's fingers. Wow. That Detour was brutal. Poorly designed, yes, but brutal nonetheless.

Slow Forward. Super Marsio Bros.? Still searching.

Fran reads the additional information for the RoadBlock, which includes a section telling them that they "must wear the safety harness and saefty equipment provided". Just in case someone actually decided to climb up the side of the cliff without it. It would make abseiling a lot quicker, though.

The stunt whore yells out for Admiral Whinypants to stick his "right hand high" above his head, and Syeon feels the need to repeat this. I wonder if she realises just exactly how bloody useless she seems to be. Handy has "nothing to hold onto", and Laura tells him "this is not worth rushing". Of course it isn't. It's not like Handy and Laura are in any kind of race. Laura is happy she's "not doing this". Probably because she knows Handy would be telling her what to do as though she was five years old.

Admiral Whinypants has his clue, and it seems there are two clues hanging up on his particular climb. Oh, well. It's still a great task. Handy gets to the midpoint, with sore hands. Laura orders him to "start working [his] way to the left".

Zabrina and Joe Jer marvel at the natural beauty of the area. And... yeah. This place really is pretty.

Admiral Whinypants returns to the ground, and Syeon makes like a war bride. Laura mocks Handy for the "very flattering angle" made when he spreads his legs to balance. Heh. Admiral Whinypants title-quotes that his "legs are shaking like jelly". Mmmmm, jelly. Handy continues climbing. Admiral Whinypants wonders aloud how the girls are going to climb, given how difficult it apparently was. Because girls are weak, apparently. Damn vaginas. Never mind that all the women in this race (except for Syeon and the Portable Posse, of course) have proven themselves extremely capable in all sorts of challenges; women are still weak, apparently. There are so many people on The List right now that I'm not even sure if Admiral Whinypants was on it, but if he wasn't, he is now. Syeon reads the clue (she found something to do!), which tells them to take their longtail boat to Koh Hong lagoon, where they'll find the next clue. WuWho adds approximately nothing of any importance, as per usual, but does translate "Hong" into "Room" for us non-Thai speakers. We learn from the visual evidence that someone decided to put the cluebox on stilts or something to stop the race flag underneath it from getting wet. Heh.

Marsio has finally found the Slightly-Fast Forward. Yay!

SanFran have arrived at RoadBlock Rock, just as Antsy are leaving in the background. Syeon congratulates Admiral Whinypants on how fast he did it, and he uses the praise as an opportunity to whine about his shaky legs some more. Laura says she's getting "dizzy just looking up" at Handy. Handy voices over that he tries to complete every single task as quickly as he possibly can. Thus explaining why they didn't even try for the Fast Forward, apparently. Fran tells us that San will be climbing RoadBlock Rock, even though he apparently broke his hands at the Detour. 'Cause you know what helps you recover from broken hands? Rock-climbing. Handy is almost done, causing Laura to say the words "humpy bit" and giggle like a twelve-year-old. An immature twelve-year-old. San has apparently picked what looks like it's the inverted path that Handy refused to take.

Marsio returns to the Super Marsio Bros. kayak, but manages to tip it over before they can go anywhere.

Howard and Cirran are still swimming around, watching their chances of winning drown in waist-deep water.

Fran tells San he has to go in the direction the instructor tells him. Handy has finished going in the direction he needs to go, grabbing the clue.

Howard finally finds the clue. About fucking time. He voices over that it took them "a good half-an-hour" to do so.

Handy lands back on the ground, as San gets his clue. Boy, that was fast. If we were in Mexico at the moment, there's no way in hell I wouldn't be changing his nickname to Speedy Gonzalez.

Howard forces the RoadBlock onto Cirran's shoulders. Hmmm.

The Super Marsio Bros. are paddling back to the beach. The teams who've just finished their RoadBlock are returning to their boat. This is a little bit of why I hate the water-based episodes -- although it's entirely based on the teams' abilities to complete the challenges, as opposed to the extraneous stuff, there's also so much stuff in the episode that you can get rid of without losing much of the sense of story. I mean, we've already lost over a third of this episode just with the bus rides and the hotel stuff, and we're still getting these bits in the rest of the episode. If this was a land-based episode, I doubt we'd be getting as much. I love the water-based episodes in concept, but in practice? They always wind up sucking pretty bad.

Howard and Cirran, still at the Detour beach and seemingly not even trying to catch up, tell us that even though Howard's hand will be fine in the long run, he can't do the RoadBlock. Thus, Cirran will be doing it. Oh, boy. This is going to be fun.

The girls pass Handy and Laura heading in the opposite direction, and both teams wave to each other. Way to show your competitive spirit, Handy!

Mardy is so excited to have finally finished rowing the damn kayak that he literally throws the paddle onto the beach. Heh.

Zabrina thinks that RoadBlock Rock is "a bit intimidating, actually". Of course it is. This isn't Australian Survivor.

The Super Marsio Bros. read the Fast Forward clue when they get back on to the beach. It directs them to Ko Pak Bia. Is it a transliteration thing that some Thai islands start with "Ko" and some start with "Koh". WuWho tells us that the last team to arrive WILL be eliminated. At this point, I'll be happy with the result as long as it's not SanFran or the girls. It's kind of weird how so many teams have managed to become barely tolerable over the last two episodes -- definitely Killer Fatigue. Which is weird, because usually it doesn't turn up until they cross the imaginary line somewhere between the Middle East and India. Go ahead, watch any season of the US version and tell me that's not where Killer Fatigue starts. Happens every time, without fail.

Joe Jer calls Zabrina a "spiderman", as she climbs up the same run as San went on. Nice to see she's not restricted by the usual boundaries of gender. (What? I totally meant that as a compliment.) (Also, since you really can't mention one without the other these days, "Spiderpig, spiderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out, he is a spiderpig.") Zabrina tells us after the fact that she was having trouble even standing up on the wall, because the Detour was so exhausting. I think she might have had a little too much coconut milk to drink. She flounders on a particularly hard looking section of the wall, doing the whole "Can't grab onto wall! Will grab onto rope and spin around for a little while!" trick all novice climbers seem to do at least once. (Still, I can beat that. I've been indoor rock climbing once before, and somehow managed to get into a situation like this so badly that I literally managed to push off from the wall and careen into a wall clear on the opposite side of the room, because there so much distance between me and the top of the wall that there was still enough slack for it to happen. Needless to say, I haven't been back.)

Howard exposits from the boat that they picked the wrong Detour, and because of it, Cirran will have to do the RoadBlock. San tells us he's been rock-climbing before. I bet he managed to avoid knocking himself into an entirely different wall.

Mardy is hungry. So use your time at the Pit Stop to eat (and sleep, and mingle with the other teams, just like in the olden days), and quit ruining the episode.

Zabrina grabs the clue. Yay! Joe Jer could not look happier if someone showed her a basket full of puppies and kittens. Joe Jer thanks the stunt whore "for saving [her] friend's life", and that really should have been the title quote. That is possibly the funniest thing I've heard all season long.

Howard and Cirran have found the wall. They seem shocked when they see how high the clue is.

Commercials. Guess what? I'm going to be recapping all of The Amazing Race Asia 2 after I finish this season, and I want your help. Very simply, I'm giving you guys, the wonderful readers who put up with my lax schedule and bad sense of humour, the chance to nickname a team for next season. If you've already seen the season, and want to come up with a nickname, just comment on this blog post with your suggestions, as well as your thoughts on the episode/recap, and I'll take a look at it. You can choose any team you want, you can choose any nickname you want. If I like what I see, I may use it at some point in the next season's recaps. The world isn't waiting for you. Good luck. Travel nowhere. GO!

Howard had to tell Cirran that the clue isn't very high at all. Well, not compared to Neptune or Gallifrey, it's not. Howard reminds us that Cirran has a little bit of a problem with heights, and here's where, if this was the American version, we'd be filling some episode time with some pointless grayscale flashbacks to the mall and to the Sky Tower and to the Nevis Platform. Thank God it's not. Howard tells the stunt whores on Cirran's behalf that he hates heights, and one of the stunt whores, who sounds like an Aussie, offers him a helmet if he wants it. Heh.

Marsio mentions how beautiful the cliffs were. Go, natural beauty!

Cirran is having trouble climbing right from the moment he starts. Howard tells him to "remember all those trees [he] used to climb at [his] grandparents when [he was] a kid", and suddenly Cirran slides even further down the path to full on mental breakdown. He keeps having trouble climbing, expressing his shock at having to move to the left even though it's quite literally the only way he actually can move from the position he's in. Howard expresses his admiration, as Cirran manages to stop himself from slipping all the way back down.

Antsy are looking for flags. It would probably help them find the flags if they were actually looking from the lagoon itself. Guys, read the clue. It says "Koh Hong lagoon". There wouldn't be any need to mention the lagoon if you didn't have to go into the lagoon. You're eight legs into the race, you really should know better at this point.

Cirran is still climbing, and is still scared. But I'm bored of this latest meltdown already. He claims to be "petrified", before falling down a little bit, right near the clue. Gasp!

Handy and Laura are approaching the lagoon. So are SanFran. The Super Marsio Bros. are twenty minutes away from the Pit Stop.

Cirran grabs the clue. Thank God. He voices over the usual "I'm scared of heights, but I beat my fear by doing one thing related to it rather poorly!" sentiments. They read the lagoon clue.

Antsy have made it to the lagoon entrance, a natural archway in the cliffs, but of course they discuss whether jellyfish can swim into the lagoon.

Cirran is a blubbering mess as he and Howard walk away from RoadBlock Rock. At least this time he saved the full-blown cryfest until he was back on the ground. Howard rants about how Cirran "did fantastically". Whatever. I'm just ready for these two to go at this point.

Antsy wade through the knee-deep lagoon water for the clue, and they're so short they can barely reach the clue. Hee. The clue once again tells them to take their boats, this time to the Pit Stop. Because they were totally going to magic up some aqua-bikes to ride. We are spared another explanation from WuWho. They leave as Handy and Laura and SanFran arrive. Wow, this is tight, considering everything that's happened so far. San really made up some time on the RoadBlock. Antsy watch as everyone else wades through the lagoon to the clue. It seems as though both team members have to be right at the cluebox before they can open this one, because San waits for Fran while Handy and Laura walk away.

Cirran? Crying like a baby. Shut up, Cirran.

The teams who just ran across the lagoon can barely get back in their boats.

Howard tells Cirran he was "like a gazelle" going up RoadBlock Rock. Is that a compliment? I have no idea.

Zabrina and Joe Jer get the lagoon clue, all tinged in yellow for some reason. So now there are five teams headed for the Pit Stop, and one team still headed for the place where they'll get the clue telling them to go to the Pit Stop. I wonder who will get eliminated! Soon, Howard and Cirran are at the lagoon.

Antsy appear to have stopped for no reason, next to some islands which don't appear to be the Pit Stop island.

Howard and Cirran get the Pit Stop clue.

Pit Stop. It's weird. It's entirely obvious from the way the last few minutes have gone what the finishing order is going to be, with possibly Handy and Laura and SanFran being the only switch, and yet this is still somewhat tense. I can't explain it. The Super Marsio Bros. arrive and are greeted in both Thai and English by a moustached older man in what looks like a white version of a priest's white shirt, without the little collar thing. Obviously, they're Team Number One.

The next three teams all see where they need to go, but apparently all have trouble telling their drivers where to go. Convenient. WuWho and the greeter watch on.

Howard and Cirran complain about their injuries some more. At least they'll have something to remember the race.

It turns out all the teams who were pointing were pointing at the wrong island anyway. Idiots. Handy and Laura voice over that they wanted to not do very well in this leg, so they wouldn't be seen as a threat. They are still Team Number Two. So much for that plan. They kiss.

SanFran arrive at the Pit Stop. Welcome, SanFran, you are Team Number Three. San "Whoo hoo hoo hoo"s, and they hug in what is possibly the least affectionate way possible.

Antsy arrive. Welcome, Antsy, you are Team Number Four. WuWho asks about "the long faces" and... they're not horses, WuWho. The joke doesn't work. Admiral Whinypants put his arm around Syeon, who seriously looks like she's checked out of the game. Her absence will not be noticeable.

Zabrina and Joe Jer! Howard and Cirran! Pit Stop! Who! Will! It ! Be!

Well, Zabrina and Joe Jer, thank God. Joe Jer says that they won't be giving WuWho any more money. Heh. Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are Team Number Five.

Howard and Cirran step on the mat. They are sixth, they are last, and they are eliminated. Oh, well. Cirran brags about how much he and Howard have learned about themselves, and how they did some stuff they didn't particularly want to do. Howard says they're "just not ready to be out of the race." Well, that makes two of the three of us then. I'd like to say I'm sad to see them go, but... I'm really not. Bye, guys!

Executive Producer? Michael McKay.

Next week: India. Eating challenge. Oh, boy.

1x07: Bangkok, Thailand (via Singapore)

2009-10-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

The race heads to Singapore for no real reason, before going to Bangkok, where everybody compounds acting Ugly by racing poorly. It's a good thing it's a non-elimination, because it's hard to choose which team truly deserves to be booted this week.

====================

Previously on iBungy 2.0: Seven teams decided that while New Zealand as a whole is awesome, Or Clend really isn't worth spending much time in, bringing the entire debate of why Or Clend gets used every single time the race visits the country to the forefront. Andy lost his licence to drive, but apparently not his licence to be an insufferable little bitch, or his licence to complain about their incompetence being due to "bad luck". Some of the teams got what WuWho calls "a bird's-eye view" of Queenstown, which is weird, because last time I checked birds don't have safety harnesses or wires, or fly in a pendulum formation. People got their quadbikes mired in what I assume was mud, but I was too bored by the episode to pay attention to what it was. Someone in production decided that "Mo' Bungy Jumping!" is an acceptable way to advertise the wide and varied culture and lifestyle of everyday Kiwis, and I was understandably unimpressed. So were the people who got freaked out by the idea of dropping over a hundred and thirty metres in eight seconds. For the first time this season, the team with a local actually won the leg, and for the first time this season, a likable team was eliminated, unable to be saved by the additional producer-mandated speeding penalty Andy earned himself. Now, only six teams remain. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. It's a good thing this show doesn't resort to using existing loosely-related-to-the-subject-matter songs for its theme music like other reality shows do, because Livin' La Vida Loca doesn't have nearly enough [POMP.]

The gondola to last week's Detour introduces us to this episode, and back to Queenstown, which WuWho appears to think is home to only two things, extreme sports and vineyards. I wonder if the presence of so much alcohol has anything to do with the sheer number of places where it is possible to hurl yourself into a canyon. The sixth Pit Stop in a race around the world, the Chard Farm Winery alone is probably responsible for skydiving. As always, the teams are leaving after their mandatory rest period, which may or may not allow them to eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams.

2:54am. SanFran. We learn that it's finally time to leave New Zealand and its hobbits behind, so it's off to Singapore, where the hobbits may be just as annoying, but at least are forbidden from chewing gum. When they arrive in Singapore, they have to find themselves a taxi to take them to the [Arco] petrol station on MacPherson Road, where they'll have to indulge in an activity that apparently represents the culture and landscape of the clash of cultures that is Singapore -- washing [Holden] cars. Can't we have at least one decent leg in Singapore? The last one there was an absolute disaster (find the TV star in the wackily-located apartment? Swim across a zoo enclosure? Run around a fountain?), and this one's already even worse.

3:15am. Zabrina and Joe Jer. In their car, Joe Jer reads the additional information, which tells them that they must fly [Etihad].

4:05am. Antsy. In their car, Admiral Whinypants wonders whether Handy and Laura will make the flight.

4:22am. Super Marsio Bros. Marsio tells us in a confessional from the winery Pit Stop that they've "come to understand [their] differences", and are working on overcoming them. First stop is apparently getting a glass of champagne to hold.

4:25am. Howard and Cirran. They seem excited to be going to the mythical, mystical land of "Sing-guh-POOR".

6:05am. Handy and Laura, which means their penalty must have been a LOT more than the 92 minutes we were informed about last week.

New Zealand's clouds, while white, do not appear to be very long this morning. Let's sue them for false advertising.

SanFran confessional that they're always making sure that they know where they're going before they go. I can see how that might be a bit of a help. At what their car's clock tells us is 8:23am, they pull into the airport. How did it take them six whole hours to drive there? It's a mystery alright, but not as much as this signpost we see. It's one of those ones that has a bunch of major world cities on it, with the distances so high you'd swear the only way to get there would be to fly. It makes sense for it to be at an airport, I suppose, but... like, it's got places like London (19039km away) and Rome (18083km) and Singapore (8161km) on it, as it should, but then it's also got Brisbane (2365km) and Norfolk Island (1345km). Lovely places, sure, but major world icons? Hardly.

All the teams get on the same flight, even though the ticket guide mistakes SanFran's being last in line somehow (probably got lost, like they have every other time they've driven anywhere on this race) as being "patient". It will not surprise you to learn that the flight to Singapore connects through Or Clend. For some reason, the Amazing Graphically Inserted Plane is not in the background of The Amazing Globe this week, and I for one am disappointed. Why lose a couple of seconds of episode time when you had such an ingenious way of gaining them back?

On the flight, Zabrina and Joe Jer voice over that they are happy to have achieved their goal of being the last all-female team left, and how they have a new goal: to be the last Malaysian team still racing. They might be racing for a while, then, because Antsy is one of only two teams left to have never reached a route marker (or finished a task) in last place. The other, for all you pub trivia geeks? The Super Marsio Bros., which is a statistic I am shocked to learn. Admiral Whinypants himself voices over that the "other contestants are lagging", and aren't up to his standards with regards to competition.

The teams arrive in Singapore, piling into a bunch of taxis. I am curious as to what this "egg delivery challenge" mentioned in the on-screen competition ticker is, and why there would be a trivia question about it. (Of course, then I remember that hey, I've seen this episode before, and I already know, but still. Why spoil your own show when you don't have to?)

Anyway, Fran tells her driver that they're racing, and to "run, run, run". One would assume that the point of racing would be to get there quickly, and that taking the taxi would be slightly quicker than crossing half of Singpore by foot, but what do I know? I only write the recaps. The sun is setting as Howard and Cirran find the petrol station. Cirran confessionals that he's "more than proud" of Howard for having "excelled" at everything he's encountered on the race, and how he's "conquered" a bunch of stuff. Like sharks. In an unrelated confessional from the same place, a room full of wine barrels, Howard tells us that it doesn't matter if you get somewhere first, but you want to stay in the top half. Because apparently if you finish in the top half, you won't have as much chance of getting eliminated as the people who finish, say, dead last. Who knew?

Laura goes through the "wax on, wax off" routine from The Karate Kid with Handy. Lesson: Asian people know how to wash cars. Thanks for that wonderful moment of cultural awareness, Laura! She voices over that as the race goes on, people are going to stop being polite and start getting real, even though these particular people, in her eyes, lack the "competitive edge". I think she's one of those twits who thinks that if you're not yelling at each other, you're not being competitive. Shut up, Laura. As SanFran pass them, Andy whines that he and Laura always "get the slow taxi driver". Unlucky! In their cab, Fran talks too fast for me to understand exactly what she's saying, but the gist is "What the hell makes petrol stations representative of Singaporean culture?" And she's got a point.

The Super Marsio Bros. are the first team to arrive at the petrol station. SanFran drive past a station they realise isn't the one they need, but Howard and Cirran decide to stop. As always, this is a case of not reading the clue correctly -- we've already heard in the episode that the teams were given the exact address for this one, so I can't feel sorry for them at all. Admittedly, it would have been hard for me to feel sorry for Howard and Cirran anyway, but whatever. SanFran arrive at the right place, just as Handy and Laura get stopped at a red light. Unlucky!

Music that sounds like it belongs in a jazzy, upbeat porn film plays as the teams begin washing their cars. Some of the shots are even semi-pornographic. Seriously, watch the bit at the start where San thrusts while he's cleaning the bonnet. Or the bit where San tries to clean the windscreen wipers by fingering it. Or the bit where... let's just say that San probably would not be out of place in said jazzy, upbeat porn film -- he's got the technique, now we just need to find out whether he's got the equipment.

In the meantime, Andy tries to claim to one of the task judges that the colour of the car makes it more obvious that their car isn't clean. Of course, since there isn't anything even approaching a mud brown car here, I'm not sure what he's on about -- if he hasn't done his job properly, that stain's going to be there regardless of whether they car they picked was blue or white or yellow with hot pink polka dots.

Antsy are first to finish The Most Culturally Irrelevant Task Ever. Howard bitches that they're not finished even though he thinks their car looks better than Antsy's. Perhaps he could ask one of the task judges to check whether his car is finished. Just a suggestion. Admiral Whinypants reads the clue, which tells them to find the Fountain of Wealth. Not this again. Please no running, please no running. The little clips playing over WuWho's clip tell us that there will indeed be no running into the fountain, with the cluebox just sitting in the surrounding area, and that the Fountain of Wealth Board of Promotional Advertising are not exactly keeping the "world's biggest fountain" thing under wraps. As Antsy leave, Handy and Laura bicker some more, and the Super Marsio Bros. get their clue. Howard and Cirran's judge is unimpressed, but SanFran get their clue, proving that a little bit of mechanical foreplay is always a good thing. The Super Marsio Bros. want to go to the "Fountain of Youth". Heeeee hee hee. Soon, though, Howard and Cirran, Zabrina and Joe Jer, and Handy and Laura all get clues.

Antsy are at the Fountain already. There's some sort of light show going on, which is a shame, because the teams are going to miss it while they're flying to Bangkok. As Admiral Whinypants stumbles over the name of the place they're going to have to take a taxi to when they arrive, Syeon helpfully adds "temple" as her one contribution to doing anything. Even the little graphic doesn't know how to spell it, preferring to call it -- Wat Niwet Thamaprawat, for those of you playing at home -- "Bangkok Buddhist Temple", even though we just heard, and are reminded by WuWho, that it's located in Ayutthaya, an entirely different place. Anyway, once they arrive at the place, wherever it is, they'll have to take a ski-gondola-like thing across the river to the temple, where they'll search for a cluebox. Sound easy? No? Well, it's even harder than that. You see, there are a bunch of different clueboxes, and only one has the actual next clue.

In other news, the hell? You come to Singapore to wash a car, and then leave basically straight away? You don't even try to make a better leg than the sheer crappiness we saw last time the race visited Singapore? That's just ridiculous. Shut up, show.

Antsy leave just as SanFran arrives. The Super Marsio Bros. get the clue, but Marsio apparently does not hide well enough to stop SanFran from seeing the cluebox. SanFran themselves are very excited to be going to Bangkok. Howard and Cirran arrive next, right as the light show conveniently displays a globe. Don't quote me on this, but I'm beginning to think world travel might be a little bit of a theme on this show. Mardy is happy about going to Bangkok, because he "can pray to [his] Buddha". Is there some sort of rule against praying to Buddha in any of the other places this race has been so far? I doubt it, considering that the American version visited a Buddhist temple in Malaysia one season, and that one of the largest Buddhas in the world is in the Borobodur in Indonesia. But... you know, it was a little funny, even if it was slightly culturally offensive. San remarks on how funny it is that they "came all the way to Singapore just to wash a car". Cultural irrelevance is hilarious! Hahahaha! More tasks like this, show! (Except not.)

Andy and Laura think they're in last place when they get to the cluebox, but since Zabrina and Joe Jer are lost somewhere in the general vicinity of the fountain, they're actually in 5th place. As Laura remarks in her cab that they're going to their home country, and gets prepared to treat Bangkok's cabbies like her personal butlers, Zabrina and Joe Jer grab the clue.

When the teams arrive at the airport, the first five teams all have no problems checking in to their flight on Product Placement Airlines. Unfortunately, Zabrina and Joe Jer get dropped off at the wrong terminal. And since Changi Airport isn't a tiny airport by any stretch of the imagination, it's not surprising that by the time they finally do make it to the PPA desk, the ticketing guy isn't even sure whether they can make it onto the flight. Oh, no! Not my favourite team! This sucks! Right?

Commercials. This week's Andy Hallett Memorial Award goes to Cory Monteith. Fuck or pass?

Of course, as is always the case on the race, things are never as bad as they seem right before the commercial break, and Zabrina and Joe Jer do indeed manage to get on the flight. I have to wonder if they'd have got on if PPA wasn't a sponsor of the show who wanted good publicity. But anyway, they're on, and San is shirtless on the plane, and I think I need to lie down. WuWho informs us that all six teams are flying from Singapore to Bangkok. This announcement is accompanied by the Amazing World Map and the Amazing Yellow Line, just in case you're a visual learner.

Everyone arrives and gets into taxis. Shocking, I know. All the hovercrafts must have been busy or something. SanFran immediately tell their driver to follow the departing Super Marsio Bros. In their cab, Marsio starts telling their driver to go fast in Thai, and has to explain to a questioning Mardy that that's what Handy said was the right word. Right on cue, we cut to Handy and Laura's cab, in which Laura is using the exact same word to get their driver to go fast. So much for Andy's talk about the "competitive edge". Fran kvetches about how they're losing sight of the Super Marsio Bros.' cab. Fran hits herself over the head with the clue, and says she "hate[s] countries like this". Oh. My. LORD. I know she's tired and everything, but if I didn't already dislike half of the remaining teams (Antsy, Howard and Cirran, and Handy and Laura), she would have just made The List. She's definitely just lost herself 500 points. San confessionals that "you can't blame the cab drivers for not knowing where they're going just because you can't speak the language". If anyone knows any reason why I should not propose to San right here, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Oh, he's straight, you say? And dating her? Damn. Carry on, then.

Of course, Fran has not finished joining the Hall of Ugly Amazing Race Moments, both with mouthing the words "Yes, you can! Of course you can!" (or something similar) while San is talking, and then, back in their cab, yelling at their driver when he tells them he doesn't know where Ayutthaya is, before telling San to "just deal with this". Fran, honey? It's an entirely different city, and he's a Bangkok taxi. Just because Thailand isn't the size of America, he's supposed to know every road in the country? Getting a Bangkok cabbie who knows the streets of Ayutthaya would be the equivalent of getting a New York City cabbie who can take you around Boston without getting lost. Why would you expect him to know where he's going once he gets out of the city he lives in? Shut up. Fran confessionals, much more calmly, that the driver had no idea where he was going. In the cab, San suggests switching to a new one.

Handy and Laura think it'll take about 40 minutes to get to the temple. Meanwhile, Fran is using some of her 40 minutes to bitch some more about how slow their driver is. Helpful! And necessary!

Zabrina and Joe Jer have made a nice recovery, and are the first team to arrive at the temple, at what looks like it's the same time as Handy and Laura. Both teams learn that the temple will be opening at 6:30am, since no Buddhist temple accessible only by cable car could turn any sort of profit at this time of night -- it's 2am, y'all. For some reason, the hours-of-operation sign, clearly placed by the production crew, is accompanied by a second sign with a large X on it. Someone start drilling into that post, there's bound to be some good treasure in there.

SanFran are finally switching taxis. Fran is being her usual self, San is being his usual self, and I am seriously trying not to wonder how he got stuck with a girl like Fran.

Antsy and Howard and Cirran arrive at the temple. Zabrina and Joe Jer and Howard and Cirran decide to camp out, immedaitely scoring them both 60 points. Zabrina and Joe Jer were so far ahead of any non-Sandy racers at this point that their points don't even matter any more, but at least Howard and Cirran are almost not in negative numbers anymore.

Fran sees a sign for the temple and directs her driver to turn around so he can follow the map. Oh, goody.

It turns out that all of the teams have decided to not go to a hotel, either staying on the cable-car platform or in their taxis, and thus San moves into the same scoring echelon as Mother Teresa, Barack Obama, and Zabrina and Joe Jer (because I loves them thaaaat much). Meanwhile, Handy and Laura move up into the same scoring echelon as Schapelle Corby, Entertainment Tonight, and foot fungus.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, but there's no Michael Bublé. I can't think of a single show in history that wouldn't be improved with some Bublé. But that's beside the point right now. Cirran brings Howard a coffee from the temple Starbucks or something. Because you know they totally have one. He confessionals that the hardest thing about the race is the lack of clean toilets. Howard drinks his coffee and bitches about how bad their night's sleep was. As far as I'm concerned, if you had the opportunity to go to a hotel and gave it up in favour of keeping your place in line, then you also forgo the chance to be a whiny little jerkwad. Shut up, Howard. He does not, and tries joking with Cirran about the word "Ayutthaya". Well, at least he's not going with any Bangkok jokes, I suppose. Cirran politely tells him to cram it.

The cable car starts running, and the teams go over one at a time. Handy voices over that they "all had a gentlemen's agreement" that the first team to get to the temple got to go over first. It's a fair deal, but it doesn't show much competitive edge, Handy. Fran points out, in case San hadn't noticed from all the teams standing in front of him in line, that they're going to be the last team to get across.

The teams start crossing, and Joe Jer sees a cluebox almost immediately, speaking loud enough we can hear her across the other side with Howard and Cirran. Speaking of, Cirran instructs Howard on where they will be searching for their clue. Zabrina and Joe Jer are surprised to find out that their clue isn't a clue. I don't think they were told about this twist in the task, which is just a little bit cruel, but still fun to watch. Handy and Laura run around, while Howard and Cirran note which direction they're running from in their cable car. Joe Jer has decided that, for some reason known only to her, it is appropriate to search the interior of the temple by standing in the doorway and hopping on the spot. As you do. The Super Marsio Bros. cross the river. Handy and Laura also find an incorrect clue. Howard and Cirran too. The Super Marsio Bros. have found a clue right in front of a statue of what I assume is Buddha. They decide to pray, which is entirely unnecessary and a little bit patronising, but... I appreciate the effort, you know? And it's not the right clue, anyway. Zabrina and Joe Jer, behind for so much of this leg, have found the right clue, which is located inside a little gazebo on the edge of the river. Antsy seems to think that someone's found a clue.

The girls, having walked away from the gazebo to not make it obvious, read the clue. And this time, when I say "clue", I actually mean "clue", as opposed to "a map with detailed street instructions, seating plans, and a chauffeur-driven limo to take you there". They've been given a Thai coin, and need to find a taxi to take them to the landmark that's featured on the coin. WuWho informs us that the landmark they're looking for is the Golden Mount temple, all the way back in Bangkok, and calls the coin a "local Thai coin" in order to differentiate between all those local Belgian coins and local Peruvian coins that Thailand has. Zabrina and Joe Jer get back to the cable car just as Antsy are arriving, and the girls tell them which way to go. I don't know whether this shows a lack of "competitive edge", or whether the girls just want some competition up there at the head of the pack. Perhaps Handy could tell me. Antsy confessionals that because of this favour, they hope that they'll "make it today". Maybe I'm just reading too much into this, but since they're all relaxed and whatnot, it seems as though they're saying this after they've arrived at the Pit Stop, but before the girls arrive. Way to not spoil your own show, show.

Antsy are indeed second to get to the clue. Right after SanFran's cable car arrives, Howard and Cirran are at the cluebox the Super Marsio Bros. found. It still isn't correct. Andy and Laura also try that cluebox, as Zabrina and Joe Jer make it back. Syeon, waiting on the cable car platform with Admiral Whinypants, tells him she needs to go to the toilet. He asks why. Does it matter? There are only a couple of things you would need to go to the toilet to do, and none of them are the sort of thing you can hold off until you reach the Pit Stop at this point. Remember, even though this leg has already been going on for forever now, you still have to do the Detour and the RoadBlock. SanFran are next to find it, running past a group of monks in the process. The Super Marsio Bros. are at another cluebox with another Buddha, and are praying again. I wonder if it's coincidental that the correct cluebox is the only one we've seen so far without a Buddha statue near it.

Antsy get on their cable car, having apparently not stopped for Syeon's nanna-bladder. Handy and Laura are lost, but the Super Marsio Bros. are finally in the right place. Instead of praying to Buddha this time, they've decided to comment on how pretty the palace is. Guys, you've lost enough time. It's a pretty palace, but for the love of Buddha, RACE!

Antsy argue about going to the toilet on the cable car. Sigh. Laura shouts at Handy to stop shouting. Because it's only adorable when she does it, you know. Syeon is still wondering where the toilets are when their cable car arrives. Laura seems to think it's "daft" to look for the clue. She can find her way to the Golden Mount without being told to, thank you very much!

SanFran are back. Joe Jer cheerily encourages her driver to go fast. Laura has taken over from Handy as Chief Luck Whiner. While the leaders try to determine whether their cabbies know the Golden Mount, and the Super Marsio Bros. board the return cable car thinking they're in last place, Handy and Laura are still searching for the cluebox. In their cab, Admiral Whinypants mimes Donkey Kong as a substitute for "fast", which surely can't help Syeon at the moment. Handy and Laura have finally found the clue. Three cheers for them! (...No, how about two?) (...Okay, one?) (...Half a cheer?)

Syeon is still whining about needing a toilet. Admiral Whinypants puts his hand on her thigh in support, unfortunately doing it as she says the words "it's hard to hold". Handy and Laura also think they're last, which makes me think the temple is much bigger than it looks, because Howard and Cirran are still searching. Surely they would have known if the others were leaving. Meanwhile, the girls' driver does at least know that the Golden Mount is in Bangkok, which is a help. Howard and Cirran run around and talk about being in last place and do pretty much everything they can do without finding the clue.

Commercials. iSnack 2.0 sounds like something designed to fix anorexic computers.

We return with Howard and Cirran still searching. Howard tells a silent Cirran not to panic. I... didn't think he was, Howard. A dog watches them search, as other teams get back to their cabs. Howard tells us it took them "half an hour" to find the clue, which they've already worked out is the right one before they open it, what with all the others' clues being missing and all. So now Howard and Cirran are on their cable car back, and everyone else is on their way to the Golden Mount.

Syeon is still busting to go, but that doesn't make a port-a-potty appear in the middle of a Thai highway, odlly enough. So, of course, she whines louder.

Cirran complains about being in a slow taxi after they spent so long at the temple searching for the clue, and Howard snidely retorts that there's no way they could have finished quicker. Aside from working with another team? Aside from secretly following another team who doesn't want to work with you? Aside from asking the monks if they've seen clueboxes? Aside from walking in the right fucking direction to begin with?

Eventually, Admiral Whinypants just tells Syeon that she might just have to go on the roadside. She asks where, and Admiral Whinypants' reply is, and I quote, "It's Thailand. No one's going to give a shit." Except for Syeon, that is. (I can't believe I just stooped that low to mock someone. Sigh. See what being around these people has turned me into? DO YOU?) They stop, and thankfully we cut to the much more bladder-competent SanFran, who are also complaining about a slow driver. Back in her car, Syeon is apologetic yet proud of being able to drop trou in some poor paddock.

Golden Mount. Zabrina and Joe Jer. A wooden elephant blocks a cluebox with a sign giving operating hours from 8am to 5:30pm on it, making me think that whatever the task is is going to be fun and elephant-related. Unfortunately, it is a RoadBlock with the hint "Who rings a bell? Patience and perseverence may be needed.", and the task will be anything but. WuWho is on the roof of the Golden Mount, walking around a bunch of tinkling windchimes. He reminds us of what he always does (RoadBlock! One person!), and tells us that this time, whoever does it has to climb to the rooftop and search through 560 bells for one of 100 clue capsules. So, you know, great odds, especially given that all the bells are practically next to each other. However, only six of the 100 capsules contain the "correct clue", which is literally just a congratulatory message, thus making the task at least worthy of not being called the Worst Task In This Episode, even though it's still pretty close to the car washing in terms of inanity, and is definitely the Least Difficult RoadBlock Ever. Joe Jer takes it.

Somehow, Antsy and SanFran head down the same stretch of road (or so the identical camera shots will have you believe), with Antsy ahead, and yet SanFran reach the clue first. Somewhat ironically given her behaviour throughout this episode, Fran takes the task specifically requiring an amount of patience higher than "zero", and even she notices. Antsy get the clue in 3rd, the Super Marsio Bros. in fourth, Handy and Laura in fifth, and Howard and Cirran in sixth. Syeon and Marsio take it. We spend a hilarious little moment with Handy and Laura in which neither of them wants to own up to having a shred of patience, just staring at each other, waiting patiently for someone to take the task. Heh. Handy does.

The temple, which apparently was closed, opens amidst bell ringing, and the five RoadBlockers we've got at the moment sprint up the stairs. Syeon seems to think she has to check the big bells for the little tiny clues. Soon, everyone is up on the actual rooftop searching.

Cirran sees some red and yellow race flags somewhere in a group of two yellow flags and two Thai national flags. Is Facebook paying to get it's Thai-flag-blue logo put onto all the race flags now?

Just like that, Handy is done with the Least Difficult RoadBlock Ever. The normal temple visitors go about their worshipping in peace, while the crazy reality TV contestants fiddle with their wind chimes and make a helluva din nearby. Heh. Sometimes, you don't need smart wordplay or people racking themselves in order to laugh, and this is one of those times.

Howard and Cirran are arriving at the temple, in case you cared. And, in fact, even if you didn't.

Syeon gets her clue. Back down with Laura, Handy reads the clue, which is a Detour. Y'all know the thing about the two tasks and the pros and the cons, right? Good. From in front of a weird pink-bricked structure, WuWho informs us that this time, their choice is between Bacon and Eggs. Aren't they legally required to offer a vegan option? In Bacon, you take a taxi to a group of marked tuk-tuks (Yay! Tuk-tuks!), choose one, and direct the driver through the streets to what the show calls the "Pig Monument". They can ask for directions from anyone who isn't the driver. In Eggs, you go to a market so big it's been on the American version before, find a particular egg stall, stacks 20 trays of eggs onto one of those wheely things you use for moving whitegoods around, and take them through the crowded market to another stall. If you break any eggs, you have to go back for replacements before you get the clue. You know, this is one of those rare Detours in which both tasks seem to have the same pros and cons. They're both navigation heavy, so teams who can communicate with the locals will do well, but they're both in Bangkok, which means moving around will be pretty slowgoing, all things considered. Still, it's a nice task, and the tuk-tuk navigation beats the pants off of those trannies the American version got to sing karaoke in the back of cabs when they did a similar task.

Laura demands Handy choose which task they do, thus confirming he was indeed the right pick for the Least Difficult RoadBlock Ever. Handy and Laura take Eggs, Antsy take the Bacon. It kind of surprises me that Handy and Laura don't go for the option that will presumably require dealing with the language barrier.

Howard and Sahran are both lost and last, ticking off two boxes in the Things You Don't Want To Be While Racing survey. Cirran confessionals that he "just wanted to reach across, you know, over to [the driver], hold him, and slap him", complete with hand motions. Cirran, you know how they have those Please Do Not Feed The Animals signs at zoos? Well, the only reason they don't have Please Do Not Slap The Driver signs in cabs is because it's kind of assumed. Back in the cab, Cirran asks what the driver's "waiting for. A sign from God?" I doubt it, given the whole Buddhism theme running through the Thailand portion of this episode.

Fran gets her clue, as Marsio finds his capsule. He gets the clue, and the cluegiver guy has to actually call him back so he can go back down to Mardy through the door next to said cluegiver guy. Some people just don't pay attention, now, do they? (In reality TV circles, we call them "casting producers".)

Marsio takes more time to Buddha on his way out. We get it. Move on. SanFran do indeed move on, having selected Eggs as their entree du jour today. Joe Jer has not moved on, and is still searching for the capsule. She tells us she was panicking after everyone else had no problems finishing the Least Difficult RoadBlock Ever. Remember, though, that since only six capsules had the right clue to begin with, there are only two left for her and either Howard or Cirran to find, so she might be here for a little while.

Howard and Cirran are fretting about whether the place they're at is the place they're looking for. Meanwhile, Fran thinks it's so cute that she can get a pink taxi. The Super Marsio Bros. pick Bacon. Howard and Cirran arrive at the RoadBlock cluebox. As Zabrina finally gets her clue, Cirran takes on the task of searching through all those dozens of bells for the one and only correct capsule. It's probably not as hard as it sounds, given that the other teams presumably all took out some of the fake capsules, but still? Not great odds. I hate these tasks that make the teams in last place fall even farther behind.

Andy and Laura try directing their cab driver to the exact address of the Egg task. The Super Marsio Bros. make pig noises, not realising that they're not yet trying to get to the pig, they're trying to find the tuk-tuks. Read the damn clue, guys. I don't dislike you as much as I dislike some of the other people left here, nor very much at all, but my Non-Denominationally-Specific Deity you're dense sometimes. The girls take Bacon, not feeling like carting eggs around. In their cab, the Super Marsio Bros. have a driver who knows where the "Pig Memorial Monument" is. Helpful. If only they were supposed to be going there right now.

Cirran is searching the bells. Antsy have passed the market and are annoyed, even though their task is the one that doesn't involved the market. Laura is telling Andy they should walk, because all the streets are one way. Zabrina is telling Joe Jer they should have walked. Cirran finally has the clue. Joe Jer points out that, in relation to that "women can't drive without getting lost" myth (which has still yet to be completely busted), "it's the male taxi drivers in Thailand who don't know anywhere". I would be curious as to how many of the taxi drivers in Thailand are female, and what experience Joe Jer has to back this up, but in general? "Taxi drivers get lost sometimes" works for me. Zabrina threatens not to pay her driver if he doesn't get them there quickly, and that'll be more than enough of that, thank you very much. I still want to entirely like at least one team by the end of this episode. Howard and Cirran take the Bacon.

Handy and Laura ditch their cab so they can make it to the right stall on foot, and Laura wonders why Handy would bother thanking their driver.

Zabrina voices over about how the local cab drivers would rather take you around in circles than admit they have no idea where they're going. The only thing about this exchange that makes no sense is why she's providing a confessional when it's the Super Marsio Bros. we see getting lost. Soon, though, everyone else (including the girls) is having trouble communicating with their driver. And they haven't even reached the tuk-tuks yet! Antsy and the girls ditch their cabs.

Handy and Laura have found the egg stall, which looks like it's on the edge of the road. So, you know, probably not ridiculously hard to find, as far as "Find The Market Stall" challenges go, even if it's plenty crowded and chaotic at the market itself. As the Super Marsio Bros. and SanFran continue to make themselves frustrated by staying in their cabs, Handy and Laura bicker childishly about whether it's a smart idea to put the egg-carrier on the ground before or after they stack the eggs on it. Hmmm. I wonder. Their argument features the "I was just asking!"/"I was just telling!" exchange most people grew out of when they were, like, eleven years old. Shut up, the both of you.

SanFran arrive at the market while Handy and Laura stack, but their cab driver decides that the reality contestant's baggage really can't be that important to them, and so drives off without it. Honestly, I'm not sure which side to take here. Either their driver knew their bags were in the cab and drove off anyway; or SanFran are idiots for leaving their bags behind. Both arguments work well, but there doesn't seem to be any way we can tell which is "right" in this case. In any event, they get the bags back without an issue.

Antsy and the girls (who I am only calling "the girls" because it's quicker and easier than typing out "Zabrina and Joe Jer" a hundred and fifty times, and not to do with any "Women suck!" sentiments, because these particular two are in fact the least sucky team here by a long way) are lost. The girls laughingly tells us that people just point in random directions when you ask for help, rather than trying to figure out where you want to go. It's just like the way I react with people who are lost. So, even if it is My Favourite Team This Season: Go, Thai locals!

Commercials. I am the very model of a modern Major-General, provided a modern Major-General is pretty much the exact opposite of a traditional Major-General.

The girls get directions from a tuk-tuk driver, then a cop, not realising that it's possible to actually, you know, travel to a tuk-tuk task in a tuk-tuk. Mardy snits that Marsio isn't "conveying" what he's trying to say, and Marsio snaps at him to have a go, so he can be a jerk when Mardy fails. This, my friends (and other people I don't know or care about), is surely the beginnings of Killer Fatigue. Good old Bangkok. Never change. But do share the spotlight 'round a bit, okay? We don't want you turning into another India or China. The girls get directions from a random guy who appears to know exactly where they've got to go. Meanwhile, the Super Marsio Bros. ditch their cab. It's that sort of day.

Antsy have spotted the tuk-tuks, but by some bizarre fluke of nature, luck, and happenstance, Howard and Cirran are the first team there. Soon both teams have figured out that it's going to be impossible to direct the driver to the Pig Monument. Oinking ensues.

Handy and Laura appear to be doing just fine with the task. SanFran, on the other hand, are headed in the wrong direction, realise it, and keep going for the fun of it. Or something. Fran says she's "going to scream".

Laura is trying to stop the eggs from breaking with... cabbage leaves? Huh.

Antsy realise that they're going to need some sort of plan to help them get to the Pig Monument. Howard proposes going to a hotel for directions, but Cirran realises that they're still going to have to get directions to the hotel in order to get directions to the statue. In any event, both teams leave, with Admiral Whinypants still trying to figure out where he is, and with Cirran telling Howard to "look out" for the monument, in case they pass it on their way to a hotel.

Fran is going to cry. More Killer Fatigue!

Handy and Laura voice over yet another shot of them arguing that they don't think they fight much, because this is exactly how they are all the time. And... like, I sort of get where they come from, because I'm no stranger to arguing with certain people, but perhaps if you bicker like this so often you've become desensitised to knowing when it's happening, and should probably ask yourselves whether you're the right people to be in a couple. Both they and SanFran are still asking for directions.

Antsy are also asking for directions in their tuk-tuk. They get a guy on a motorbike to help them as he drives past. I'm impressed the tuk-tuk can keep up, really. Cirran thinks he and Howard are "doomed". I'll say.

Handy gets even crankier when Laura tries to stop the eggs breaking, saying that she's "pushing it into [his] arse". Let the record show that Handy hates having things rammed in his backside.

Fran is still bitching about being lost, complainging that "it always happens". Well, yes, dear. Strangely enough, when you continue walking knowingly in the wrong direction, you will get lost. She decides the one way to get herself out of her current situation is to impersonate a chook.

Handy bitterly snaps that something (what, we don't know) is "really funny". You know what I think is "really funny"? How deliriously happy I'll be if you guys don't win. Handy confessionals that it was apparently harder to find the delivery stall than it was to find the pick-up stall. Back in the market, they are so busy arguing that they almost aren't paying attention when they approach the right place. Lucky for them (but not for me), they do indeed manage to open their stress-clouded eyes for long enough to see the flag.

Antsy and Howard and Cirran are still making pig noises, but at least Howard and Cirran seem to have gotten someone to write down the name of the monument in Thai, which will undoubtedly help them get there a bit quicker than impersonating a constipated hog will. They confessional that they've since learned that the Thai word for "pig" is "moo", which is going to make Old McDonald's farm even more crowded than it already is. Both they and Antsy get directions.

Handy and Laura unload their trays of eggs at the delivery stall, and learn that since ten of their eggs are broken, they'll have to go back and get ten more. Fran confessionals that even though the place they were looking for was "two minutes down the road", it took them three quarters of an hour to get there. Suddenly, Handy and Laura are bringing a bag containing ten eggs back to the delivery stall, which is apparently much easier to find now. And guess who they find there? SanFran, who have decided that when the clue says "go here, and then go here", they can skip the first part and just travel to the end of the task. Handy and Laura decide to tell them where the shop is. Go, competitive edge! Laura confessionals that they only told them because they didn't want to have to deal with all the "hostility" lying would result in. Because they're totally the most popular team there at the moment, apparently. SanFran always looks on the bright side of life, cheerfully pointing out that at least they won't have trouble finding the delivery stall.

Handy and Laura read their clue, which sends them to the Pit Stop at the Temple of the Reclining Buddha. Very, very pretty shots of the temple accompany WuWho explaining why the temple, known as Wat Pho to locals, but as the Temple of the Coin-Dropping Fast Forward to fans of the American version of this show, was chosen. Turns out there's a big reclining Buddha in the temple, and it's Thailand's largest. WuWho tries to build up suspense by telling us that the last team to turn up might possibly be eliminated, but since we've got three eliminations left to spread over the next seven episodes, that's about as likely as President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months in o... about as likely as David Letterman getting busted cheating on his w... about as likely as George W. Bush saying something coherent. (Also? In the event of a tie, whichever team can paintball the most sheep in thirty minutes gets to stay, even if they'll get charged with animal cruelty afterwards.)

Since the last team might be getting the boot, it's time to check up on the last two teams, neither of whom we've really seen much of since the last commercial. They are both headed on foot to the tuk-tuks, and are both having trouble getting directions.

SanFran have finally found the egg pick-up stall, and San gives us what I think is his first "Woo hoo hoo hoo!" of the episode. Welcome back, nobody missed you. They both realise fairly quickly that having to lean the egg-carrier back is probably where the eggs will break, if any of them indeed do.

Handy and Laura arrive at the Pit Stop and begin running, while SanFran gingerly cart their eggs. As Handy and Laura continue running, they tell us that they think the concept of a home team advantage is a lie. Well, the team who's quite clearly about to win a leg in their home country would say that. The greeter is all golden and glittery as she welcomes them to Bangkok. They are, unsurprisingly, Team Number One. The first thing Handy does is cheer about winning the leg in their home country, and exclaim "Thailand rules!" in a goofy voice. Thailand wonders whether it's too late to deport him. As it turns out, they also win what is possibly the second lamest prize ever, after those damn cameras -- a year's supply of engine-cleaning petrol.

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive at a chilli stall, still lost. The Super Marsio Bros. try and decide whether they should catch another cab.

Howard and Cirran have found the Pig Monument, which looks like some drunken frat boys have been tampering with it. While SanFran are still carting their eggs, Howard reads the Pit Stop clue. As they leave, Antsy pass them on their way in. SanFran could not possibly be going any slower without actually already being eliminated. Syeon wants to know how many clues there are at the monument, which is stupid given this isn't one of those Detours in which it's entirely obvious which task all the teams are going to take as soon as they reveal what said tasks are. It's a brilliant Detour -- both tasks are much more difficult than they sound, and it wasn't clear immediately that one task would be much quicker. Fran, clearly sick of everything they've had to go through during the task, tells the delivery stall lady that if any of the eggs are smashed, the delivery stall lady broke them. We do not see her slamming her hand down on all twenty trays and asking them to deliver more. It turns out they only need four more eggs.

Admiral Whinypants calls the pig statue "a stupid monument", because it was just a pig, and the pig wasn't very big. Syeon wonders why they would even bother building a monument for pigs, and Andrew doesn't know. As a simple Wikipedia search tells me, it's there to celebrate people born in the Year of the Pig, not for the actual delicious animal itself (and thus, both Israel and Miss Piggy are very happy.)

SanFran grab their extra eggs and run back, carrying the eggs in their bare hands. They manage not to squish them, and the trivia question about them turning up at the wrong part of the Detour first scrolls along the screen again as they read the clue. So, to sum it up, they, Howard and Cirran, and Antsy are on their way to the Pit Stop, while the other two teams haven't even found the starting point for the Detour yet. Howard and Cirran think yelling at their driver will help him move through a traffic jam quicker. Ugh. Shut up, you two.

Commercials. Does anyone actually remember what the rest of the Chicken Tonight jingle is?

Howard and Cirran are still cajoling their cabbie, while Antsy get out of theirs. Fran tells us having to sit in a taxi "is enough to make [her] want to shoot [her]self." Yes, well, watching everyone be jerks this week is almost enough to make me want to shoot myself, so I guess I know how she's feeling. Antsy manage to get lost between their taxi and the mat, while Howard and Cirran arrive in their taxi. Fran tells us that she starts freaking out as soon as she realises that not everything is going perfectly. Really? I hadn't noticed. Huh.

Antsy, running. Howard and Cirran, running. Who! Will! Survive! Well, both, obviously. Welcome, Antsy, you are Team Number Two. Howard and Cirran, running. SanFran, running. Who! Will! Survive! This time! Again, both, obviously. Welcome, Howard and Cirran, you are Team Number Three. Welcome, SanFran, you are Team Number Four. All three teams are giddy with excitement.

The Super Marsio Bros. and Zabrina and Joe Jer are still lost. On the plus side, the locals get to eat while they watch the TV stars look like idiots, including one guy who actually IS selling pad thi. Hee! I thought that was just something that Thai restaurants in the Western world came up with as a way of introducing the world to the local cuisine even though the locals never eat it, sort of like beef vindaloo or a Bloomin' Onion or edible English food.

The girls get a taxi soon thereafter, and show the driver where they need to go on a map they have, which sort of begs the question: Why didn't they use the map when they were lost? It might have helped them not wander around aimlessly for however long it's been. Marsio voices over that the girls are "one of the most competitive" teams, because "they never give up". He's got a point. Imagine if, say, Mirna or Adam were in the situation these two have found themselves in today. They totally would have given up all hope of survival, and wandered in to the Pit Stop sometime after dark. Tomorrow night. Anyway, the Super Marsio Bros. notice the girls in their cab, and Marsio tries to get their attention, calling for the mythical "Jo Jo" to appear. They drive off. Heh. Marsio tells us that the girls don't want to work together with anyone when they're racing, and... why should they? They're not racing for you.

Both teams have now found the tuk-tuks, and now they can resume getting lost in Thailand. The Super Marsio Bros. leave first, with their cartoon picture of a... I'm not exactly sure what it is, but the label of "pig" is completely wrong. One of the Super Marsio Bros. claims that they're "totally doomed" if they've been given the wrong directions. Quit being so damn melodramatic! WuWho isn't going to have anything left to do! The All-Purpose Racing Music plays as the teams navigate through the streets on their tuk-tuks. It's worth noting that, even though this is otherwise an outstanding piece of editing here, we never actually see the two teams in the same shot like we see Team Guido and the Frats together when they went around Beijing on those bicycle rickshaws. So, you know, I really have no idea how to recap how tense it is, aside from telling you to go and watch it yourself, because it is THAT good. Anyway, the Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the monument first, even though Mardy has to be convinced that the statue is of a pig. Really? The pig is ugly, I'll grant you that, but it's not exactly a cubist piece of artwork. It's just a pig like any other pig, except not moving and made out of gold or whatever it is. As they read the Pit Stop clue, we get a completely random, blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of the Pit Stop, where WuWho and the golden greeter are still waiting. The girls get their clue shortly afterwards, surprised to learn that there are three clues in the box. Of course, one is their clue, and the other two belong to the two teams who did the egg task, but... whatever. Zabrina thinks it's good that there are still some clues left, and the snarky editors choose that exact moment for the graphic reminding us that they're in last place to fade in. Heeeeeeee hee hee. It's nice to see these guys are reasonably competent, which is sadly more than I can say for whoever's editing the American version at the moment. (Also: Survivor.) They read the Pit Stop clue.

Pit Stop. The Super Marsio Bros. are arriving, just as Zabrina and Joe Jer are leaving. However, they appear to get lost (it's been a recurring theme throughout this episode, see), and the girls arrive. So now both teams are at the Pit Stop, but are having trouble searching for the mat. Suddenly, the Super Marsio Bros. are running up to the mat. It seems strange to get rid of almost all of the tension from this when the Detour was so well done, but whatever. Welcome, Super Marsio Bros., you are Team Number Five.

The Sad String Music of Reflectiveness plays. Clouds whizz by. The girls get to the mat. Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are the Last Team To Arrive, and WuWho is sorry to tell you that. He is not sorry, however, to tell you that this is, as expected, a non-elimination leg, and so you're still around. Zabrina squeals in joy, after having to be consoled by Joe Jer that it was okay to have finished in last. Either Joe Jer figured out at some point that it was probably going to be a non-elimination, or she was just excited to have finished higher than Team Idiot did. WuWho takes their money, finally showing some kind of personality as he responds to Joe Jer's remark about "laughing all the way to the bank" with, "If I can find it." Bwah! Joe Jer tells him he's going to "have problems" finding anywhere in Bangkok. Zabrina confessionals that she didn't want to leave the race while she was feeling as horrible as she has been today. They consider themselves both lucky and grateful that they can keep racing. That's the spirit.

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. I am curious as to why [Mazda] Malaysia gets thanks when the cars were used in Singapore. Eh.

Next week: Oh, great. It's the annual water-based episode, which means it probably won't be very good, Have they ever done a good water/island themed episode on any season of this show? This time around, they'll be impersonating Survivor, with its underpants swimming and coconut smashing and rock climbing. Well, not so much that last one, but still. It doesn't look like it's going to be the best episode of the season. (Speaking of the season? I'm now officially halfway through recapping it. Woo!)

1x06: Queenstown, New Zealand

2009-10-18T16:46:00.001-07:00

Praise the Lord, for recaps hath returned! Just in time for thy worst episode ever, which Raceguy watched so thee shan’t have to. And Hell hath no fury like a recapper bored.

Okay, so here's the deal. WhoreBoy and I broke up (for good this time ...probably), so he wasn't here when we recorded the audio track I use when deciding which snide asides to add to this recap. And EmoHunk's about to go backpacking across Europe for the next few months, so this is his last one as well. Sniff. To recap: After this one, I'm completely on my own for the first time in, like, four months. Which is probably going to result in the worst recap in, like, four months. But that's for later. Now, the real episode...

Previously on I'm Not As Dumb As Thinkle Peep Me Isn't: That big tall tower that wasn't important in the Sydney episode two weeks ago also wasn't important in the Or Clend episode last week, but it got included in the previouslies again anyway. Eight teams leapt over The Ditch, and almost managed to walk the entire way back while searching for something about two hundred metres away from where they started looking. Except for Team Idiot, who got random locals to drive them everywhere. SanFran decided to check the children's section in a library, which as it turned out was where Team Idiot had not spent enough time learning to read. Antsy left everyone else to run around town like... well, not "Idiots", because they didn't run, but... whatever other metaphor works there. Three teams refused private rides, one of which may have also been an offer for some free sex, but Team Idiot did not. WuWho claims that "athletic prowess" was tested at the Detour, but it was really just a case of simply paying attention. Just like the rest of the episode. The teams climbed a different giant tower, and everyone except Cirran got to see Phil Keoghan's house from where they were standing. He even left the lights on for the people like Team Idiot who got there after dark! Then, they got auditioning for The Hobbit mixed up with impersonating Om-Tay Ooze-Cray in Mission: Impossible. The lovely Sharon and Melody were the last team to arrive at the Pit Stop, but were saved because Team Idiot got a long-overdue elimination. They left, incorrectly ranting and raving about how awesome they were compared to everyone else. Idiots. Now, only seven teams are left. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. Did Ernie just slap Jeena? [BAM!]

WuWho welcomes us back to Or Clend, where, as it turns out, the camera effects people didn't get fired after last week, and show us a cool little shot where somehow the Sky Tower turns into the Hulk and is all "Hulk No Like Idiot!" In this week's Little-Known Fact, a third of all New Zealanders call Or Clend home, and they probably all have a favourite fush and chup shop. (Relax, Kiwi readers, I didn't mention sheep! Aside from that last sentence! And the rest of this recap!) The history of New Zealand, as it turns out, is so expansive that it has to have an entire building to explain it. That building was recently demoted from "Reminder Of Cultural Heritage" to "As Seen On A Glorified Game Show!". And it's where we pick up, a few hours after Idiotgate.

As you may remember, Handy and Laura were first last time, and they get to leave at 4:30 in the morning. As always seems to be the case with the show these days, you are right to expect bunching in the form of another set of flights, and this week the teams must use said Flights Of Much Bunching to get themselves to Dunedin. Dunedin is, per WuWho, "the second-largest city in the South Island of New Zealand". Which reminds me that we've never seen Christchurch on this show, and yet we've seen Rotorua and Queenstown twice each, and Auckland five times, the first city to reach the Overusage Milestone (though Bangkok has since joined it, and Hong Kong is only one visit behind). Where's the justice? Ahem. Anyway, when they arrive in Dunedin, they get the next clue, handily located in a group of waiting cars. As Handy and Laura leave, we see a Handy confessional about how they can still win, if they can get lucky. He also explains that they don't want to be the first team Yielded. Damn it. After the last episode's recap, I swore to try not to use the word Foreshadowing, but... bend over, here it comes again. Foreshadowing!

4:48am. Antsy leaves. Admiral Whinypants threatens violence or something. Whatever.

4:58am. The wonderful Zabrina and Joe Jer depart, and Zabrina takes the time to check whether she's pronouncing Dunedin (approximately, "Deh-knee-d'n") correctly. Awesome. If only someone could have taught WuWho to say half of the places the race visits. Joe Jer confessionals that she's harder to please than Zabrina is and is more "analytical".

5:13am. Howard and Cirran. They have $115 American for this leg of the race, which will undoubtedly help Howard when he arrives in "Dunny-den". He also takes the time to correct which is helpful, because even his second alternative ("June-d'n") was way off. Heh. Cirran confessionals that they were going to try and "do the best [they] can do". Which I'm sure you're proving, considering in the last three legs you've quit one RoadBlock and considered quitting the other two. Shut up, Cirran.

The three lead teams are at the airport, and learn that the first flight to Dunedin is booked, so they'll have to wait for an 8am flight, getting in at 10:45am. Which, really, isn't too bad, given that will still give you most of the day to finish the leg. It's not like you have to wait until three in the afternoon or anything. And it's only a 45-minute loss, and none of the other teams will be able to get on the flight ahead of you. So there's no reason to be annoyed here. Of course, Syeon is. Figures. Howard and Cirran get tickets without a fuss.

6:22am. SanFran. Fran voices over that the race really isn't for the money until it gets down to the last few teams. They are shocked to learn that cabs have more important things to do than wait around for them. Shocked, I tell you!

6:33am. Super Marsio Bros., who opt to call their destination "Doona-d'n". They point out in wacky voices that they don't know where it is. Well, obviously. They laugh in a confessional about how they need to start using their heads more, because their legs have had it. I'm not sure they're able to do that, unless they're expert acrobats and can walk on their heads or something. Which would be cool to watch, come to think of it.

6:40am. Sharon and Melody are last to leave, and they show their ability to not be the worst performing team remaining by... butchering Dunedin worse than anybody else, and doing it several times to boot. Ouch. They voice over that they take the race "very seriously", but they've been "lady-like, perhaps, and very civil" during the race, and not competitive at all. So shove that in your Pink Team Generator, Van Munster! (I kid because I care, but you'll notice these guys have already made it further than most of the Pink Teams from the past, in what is, really, a tougher field of competitors, and they haven't tried convincing themselves that whoring themselves out will be an effective strategy.)

All the teams catch the same flight. Boy, that was an exciting and tense five minutes and 32 seconds, wasn't it? I know my own heart can barely keep up with the excitement. ["You... might want to get that checked out." -- EmoHunk]

When they arrive in Dunedin, Zabrina asks a taxi dispatcher if he's seen seven identical cars parked somewhere. Yeah, the taxi rank? They find the cars first (woo!), and pick the red one, because it's easiest to remember. The clue tells teams to drive to Queenstown. WuWho complies with the Queenstown Tourist Bureau mandate and mentions the adventure sports, accompanied by shots of paragliders. Not that we'll see any in Queenstown or anything. When they get there, they have to find a particular [Shell] service station and fill up their cars. Wow, exciting. This episode is sure getting off to a wonderful start. Except not.

There is running, and tense music, and it looks like Syeon almost gets runs over by Zabrina and Joe Jer. Damn. I'll leave it up to you whether I mean "Damn, she almost got hurt!" or "Damn, they missed her!"

Handy and Laura leave in second place. Antsy are in third, and there's a nasty sequence here in which Admiral Whinypants and Handy compete to see how many times they can mention the sponsor company. Ew. San voices over, sounding a bit like he's drunk, that they got a local on the plane to lead them to their car. Fran seems excited but not surprised that they're heading to Queenstown. The other teams get to the cars.

Zabrina asks about the speed limit (Fore...Fore...Fuck it. You know what I'm thinking.), and Joe Jer says someone on the plane told her it's 100 kilometres per hour. So, the drive to Queenstown, assuming you don't get lost, will be about three hours. Which isn't overwhelmingly bad, as far as drives on this show go.

SanFran's guide gives them directions, but Sharon and Melody drive off in the meantime. Marsio holds the sponsor credit card up to the camera. Ugh.

Laura tells Handy that he "must obey all New Zealand traffic rules", and that "by driving the vehicle, [he] accept[s] any fines or traffic infringements incurred". Somehow, they take these clear instructions to mean "Don't speed too much!" In Zabrina and Joe Jer's car, a shot of her speedometer shows that she's "going 110" (which, you'll note, is ten over the speed limit anyway), as Handy and Laura pass her. And they pass her extremely fast, so this isn't your average couple-of-kilometres-over situation. Zabrina says it "sucks" when other people pass you by doing the wrong thing, but at least she doesn't see fit to turn it into a morality play like so many others on this show would. So I guess I have that to be thankful for.

Howard bitches at Cirran because he's not providing directions. As if he's going to get lost on a straight road. Handy and Laura are lost, which serves them right. Cirran reminds Howard that they "just need to get to Queenstown", as though he had forgotten. Howard says he's "just keeping to all the speed limits". Are you sensing something's about to happen? Are you?

Zabrina and Joe Jer realise they still have about two and a half hours of driving left. The Super Marsio Bros. are driving too.

Suddenly, Zabrina and Joe Jer are in front of Handy and Laura, and Laura is shocked. Turns out speeding doesn't make a difference when you're going in the wrong direction. Who knew? Zabrina fills the role of Exposition Fairy during this sequence, explaining what happened in the last minute or so of the episode, and adding that they're probably "going to try and overtake us again". In other news, Zabrina's accent makes the words "hauling ass" sound peculiar. Not necessarily funny, just... unusual, you know? Handy and Laura do indeed try and overtake again, and Laura looks extremely self-satisfied. Zabrina tells us they're now in an 85 km/h zone. Laura says "it'd be silly" for Zabrina to try and overtake them again.

Mardy provides this week's Weather Report. As it turns out, the roads are slippery, which would make speeding an even stupider idea, would it not?

Zabrina and Joe Jer cross a bridge and marvel to enjoy the natural beauty of New Zealand. As an Aussie, I feel compelled to ask, "What natural beauty?", but there is some. So I'll leave it to Canadian-born EmoHunk. ["What natural beauty?" -- EmoHunk]

Suddenly, we cut to a closeup of Handy's face, as police sirens blare in the background. Oh, good. Not just because it's happening to someone I don't like, but because it's happening. For too long, Amazing Race contestants have been driving unsafely with no consequences. Compared to the second season, where teams actually did get penalties, now it's like the producers are all, "just don't make us deliver your decomposing corpses to your families". And the fact that this might wind up being a crossover with Motorway Patrol is even better. Anyway, Handy looks shocked to learn that he was driving at 146 km/h. ONE HUNDRED and FORTY-SIX. Forty-SIX kilometres. Twenty-nine MILES. That's, like, the speed limit, which was high to begin with, and half of it again. How do you not notice going that fast? Handy tries to use "we're in a hurry" as an excuse, but the cop is definitely not buying it. Handy tries to claim that he doesn't "want to embarrass [him]self further". Oh, it's a little too late for that. For some reason, Handy seems to think that being caught driving almost fifty kilometres over the speed limit means you can still be legally allowed to drive. Delusional fuckwit.

Commercials. ["Yeah, this is where the whole section about Raceguy's Celebrity Hunk of the Week was normally going to go. Unfortunately, I had picked Andy Hallett, who passed away from heart failure on March 30th of this year, right as I was in the middle of writing the recap. My condolences go out to his family and friends. I don't feel right keeping him as the Celebrity Hunk of the Week, but I think it's disrespectful to his memory to replace him. So, this week, there is no Celebrity Hunk of the Week, and from here on out the award will be renamed the Andy Hallett Memorial Award. The alternate title wasn't particularly great, but this isn't the sort of thing I particularly want to make fun of." -- Raceguy]

Zabrina and Joe Jer come across Handy and Laura, still pulled over, and are suitably... not overjoyed, not impressed, not even really that happy about it. I don't quite think they're vindicated, either, but that's as close as I'm going to get to saying the right word here. So, unless EmoHunk has a better word, vindicated it is. ["Don't disturb me, I'm too busy calming down from the edge-of-your-seat excitement of those first five and a half minutes." -- EmoHunk]

Handy is still trying to avoid NZ$600 in speeding fines, which is... really not the thing he should be doing in this situation. Granted, I don't drive (because, dang it, there are enough idiots on the road without me joining in the fun), but it seems to me like you can't exactly flirt your way out of something like this. Especially when you're a straight guy caught by a male cop. Even EmoHunk agrees with me on this one. Which is weird, because we almost literally NEVER agree on anything. Aside from the fact that the Village People are seventeen kinds of squicky.

SanFran are somewhat more excited to pass Handy and Laura than the girls were. As they're entitled to, given that SanFran have been behind them at pretty much every single route marker so far. Fran mentions that the Kiwi police aren't going to put up with Handy's bullshit, and she's right, because we snarkily cut to Handy trying to tell the cop that his speed gun must be faulty or something. The cop brilliantly points out that this isn't England, despite all claims the Queen might make to the contrary. Handy wants him to overlook how dangerous his driving was. So, because he's a tourist, he expects to weasel his way out of responsibility for his actions? Fuck that shit.

Joe Jer explains that she's happy if the other teams get stopped for speeding. Okay, NOW they're feeling vindicated. The Super Marsio Bros. are also happy.

Handy confirms that all his skilful manipulations have resulted in... an immediate loss of licence. And he checks to make sure what happens if he gets caught, which would imply to me that he's thinking about driving again. Which: I hope not. I couldn't care less about him or Laura, but there's two poor crew members who have to travel with them, and I don't think they should have to take that risk again. After a brief cut to the Super Marsio Bros., in which literally nothing of importance happens, we find out that Handy's fine is a paltry NZ$510. Pfft.

Yeah, driving is repetitive. We get it. Moving on.

Soon afterwards, we're back with Handy and Laura, who try to justify their speeding ticket as "bad luck" (of course), by claiming that "all the other teams were going faster than that". Aside from the TEAMS YOU PASSED, you whiny fool. Handy whines about Laura driving right on the edge of the road, and she tells him, "Darling, don't tell me how to fucking drive when you've just lost your licence." I love her for that remark, just a little.

Guess what? Driving is still repetitive, and it's so repetitive it even got fired from the Department Of Redundancy Department. It doesn't help that there's a product placement. So you'll hopefully excuse us if we just zzzzz out for a little while here, and wherever else this episode needs it for us to keep our sanity. Sure, if you're watching this as an actual episode, it's a good one, as EmoHunk pointed out after it finished. But the problem is that I'm pausing every few seconds to recap, and it's starting to feel like watching paint dry. And I'm only just a little bit over ten minutes into the episode. Don't get me wrong, I loved this episode. The scenery is wonderful. The people are wonderful, especially now that Team Idiot is gone. But the problem is that the tasks this week are dreadful, and that's what's making this a pain to write, and partially why this has taken so long to get up -- I just haven't been able to muster the enthusiasm to go back to this episode before now. So, there's stuff missing whenever you see "Zzzzz." Got it? Good. And I'm very, very sorry. For the not caring, for the skipping ahead, for the rant, and for letting you all down. "Zzzzz." (42 seconds skipped.)

The Super Marsio Bros. are first to get their clue from the [BP], and it's the Detour. You know the drill, hopefully. Two tasks. Pros. Cons. Nothing neutral about 'em. This time, it's a choice between Luge and Ledge, and WuWho introduces the task from a little platform overlooking Queenstown. In either option, they need to ride a big, tall chairlift to get to the task. In Ledge, each of you perform a canyon swing, which is basically a bungy jump. And, in fact, if you pause during the intro, you can see the word "Bungy" on the side of the jumping platform. Didn't we just have another basically-a-bungy-jump task last week? The task is scary, but you only have to do it once. In Luge, you complete a tag-team relay of a "luge" course, riding along on what are basically go-karts. I use the quotation marks because (1) where is the damn snow?, (2) the course is vaguely open plan and isn't an actual chute dealie, and (3) no, really, where is my snow, you heartless tools? WuWho mentions completing the track, "going four times around", but does not tell us whether that's four times each or four times between you.

Okay, even aside from the bungy issue, I have problems with this Detour, but I'll try and detail them quickly: Both tasks function like the Gravity-Is-Your-Dominatrix RoadBlocks I hate so much. The best tasks are either the ones designed to be intentionally confusing or physically difficult, or to force interaction between the teams and the locals or the landscape. Both of these, frankly, suck. They'd be great to do, sure, but watching it on TV? Yeah, not so much with the fun there, guys.

...Wow, that was a little more quickly than I expected. The Super Marsio Bros. pick Ledge.

Fran voices over that everybody drove into Queenstown in a convoy. It sounds like in addition to being boring, this bit's out of order, because she says that she and San were in the front car, with six behind them. Which would mean that all seven teams were there, and the Super Marsio Bros. couldn't possibly be on their way to the chairlift yet, right? I am confused. Sigh. At this point in the show's development, I should really just sit down and wonder why I'm still trying to make sense with it, and just sit back and try to enjoy. Not doing this are the teams behind SanFran in the convoy, who take this opportunity to overtake them.

Soon, everybody pulls into the [Chevron] Product Placement Petrol Station, and they fill their cars. Laura, already inside the store and waiting to pay, has to yell at Andy to put their pump on the bowser correctly. Would have been fun if he didn't. "That'll be $45.00... $45.01... $45.02... $45.03..."

We get a bunch of quick shot of clue receiving and reading. What we learn: Admiral Whinypants thinks "Luge" rhymes with "bludge", which, ironically, would be a completely accurate description of the task if the Ledge task was something that was at least moderately difficult. Also, Cirran is still afraid of heights. Perhaps he should have auditioned for Survivor or Big Brother or another show of their ilk. Also-also, Joe Jer thinks the description "this is fun, you just go around like a, you know" will adequately explain the Luge task to Zabrina. And, Joe Jer honey, we don't know. Do you mean like a... tambourine? Like a.. zucchini? Like a... six of clubs? Also-also-also, Handy and Laura, Antsy, and SanFran are joining the Super Marsio Bros. in doing Ledge, while Howard and Cirran and the two all-female teams are doing Luge.

The Super Marsio Bros. are already at the chairlift, and Marsio explains to Mardy that the Not!Bungy makes you go "wooo-oooh-oooh" like a fire engine. Or something along those lines. I tend to discount what people actually mean as soon as they start making funny sounds. It's why I’ve never been able to sit through Dead Poet’s Society.

Howard and Cirran cut in front of Zabrina and Joe Jer when they get a car to lead them to the chairlift. While Joe Jer complains about Howard's move, Cirran whines about how he knows the Not!Bungy task is a bungy jump, because some guy on the plane told him so. Why would a guy on the plane tell Cirran about something three hours drive away from where the plane was headed? Wouldn't the obvious assumption, especially after the way the five previous legs have been structured, have been that the tasks were within the basic Dunedin area? Howard tries to combat this argument by asserting that "it won't be high". I thought he was the one that read the bit on the clue mentioning that it was four hundred metres up. Right?

"Zzzzz." (15 seconds.)

As the Super Marsio Bros. get off the gondola, Howard and Cirran are inside, and Howard is trying to pressure Cirran into doing the Not!Bungy. Cirran predictably breaks down into a blubbering fool at the very prospect that he might be forced to do something he isn't one hundred per cent comfortable with.

Joe Jer interviews in their gondola cabin that people are acting like dicks in the "heat of the competition".

Mardy appears to have hurt his knee or something while walking to the Not!Bungy. Uh, that's not good. Marsio tells him to take his time walking. He does not offer any assistance, but is happy when they get to the Not!Bungy first.

Howard and Cirran see the Not!Bungy from the gondola, and Cirran once again refuses to do the task. Which is helpful, considering they never actually picked the thing to begin with.

While the Super Marsio Bros. harness up, Zabrina and Joe Jer run down to the luge. When they get there, Cirran once again has to make everything All About Him, and bitches that the chairlift to the top of the luge (which looks somewhat like a stereotypical skiing chairlift, as opposed to the ferris-wheel-cabin-on-a-wire gondola setup) better not be high. Shut up, Cirran. It's like having to endure Flo all over again. Except Flo never actually tried to get Zach to quit a RoadBlock. After some brief shots of nothing important happening, Joe Jer begins her first luge run. She and Zabrina voice over that they knew the luge would take longer, because they had to do four laps each (thanks, girls!), but that Joe Jer was didn't want to Not!Bungy. She reaches the bottom, and we learn that it's basically a tag-team relay they're completing.

Marsio voices over that the reason they chose to Not!Bungy, plain and simple, was that they were in first place and didn't want to lose their lead. Mardy is moved into position. At the bottom of the luge, Cirran and Joe Jer are talking about how scaaaaary the big, mean swing is.

Mardy's screams echo through the valley. So much so, in fact, that you can't tell that the luge track is farther away from the swing than the swing platform. Which I would have to think it is. Cirran is in awe that someone would dare to live a little, and Handy (now suited up and ready to go) laughs merrily. As SanFran run to the Not!Bungy, they too laugh, and if you listen closely, you can hear one of San's trademark "Whoo Hoo Hoo Hoo!" in the background of Mardy's enthusiastic whooping.

Howard and Melody both start their first luge run. They somehow manage to finish before Zabrina, and as Joe Jer leaves for her second run, she runs straight into the stunt whores. Oops. Sorry, stunt whores!

Marsio is safely lowered into position, and to quote him, "so far, so good". Oh, he doesn't know the half of it.

Cirran wants a luge for home. My Deity, does every whiny contestant on one of these shows want some wacky souvenir? Remember Adam with his manual sausage-grinder? Or... whoever it was with the tuktuks? Still, they would beat BJ and Tyler and their ugly TTOW! t-shirts.

Marsio swings like a pendulum. He even provides a "clock striking one" noise. He soon returns to the platform, and the get the clue. Marsio seems surprised that they aren't heading to the Pit Stop yet. After two tasks? Which have already been stretched out into insomnia-curing territory, and we're only about twenty minutes in? Fool. Instead, we learn that the next destination is a place called Arrowtown, and that teams must "self-drive" there. Do anybody aside from the overly-obsessive Amazing Race timeline geeks actually use "self-drive" as a verb? Or at all? WuWho informs us of the useless information about Arrowtown's gold-mining history, and an Exposition Hand (tm Miss Alli) informs us that clue boxes contain clue envelopes. Of course! It all makes so much sense now! Doi. WuWho's useless information takes care to mention the Chinese migrants, which makes me think the producers were worried someone would get pissed if a major discovery took place without the Chinese interfering. Possibly an angry Tibetan. (Dear China: Not an endorsement of Tibet!) (Dear Tibet: Not an endorsement of China!) (Dear Tibet AND China: NOT an endorsement of violence!) Also, he does not take enough care to not pronounce "make their way" as "wake their way".

Marsio realises that they drove past Arrowtown on the way to the chairlift, which sort of takes the fun out of driving there. Getting lost the first time is understandable, but getting lost the second? That takes pure talent.

Handy rubs Laura's back as she prepares to swing. He has a huge smile on his face that she can't see, but as soon as he makes the tiniest aural suggestion of laughter, she starts bitching. Right around here, WhoreBoy would probably have made a "...Women!" remark. Handy points out that he has to jump too, which doesn't work as an excuse for either party in that situation. A drum beats mercilessly as we see a close-up of Laura's scared face.

Commercials. You heard it first on Facebook: Queen Elizabeth II wants to revoke America's independence in the wake of the last decade-or-so. Except for Utah, which she apparently "does not fancy". Heh. ["Mormons to Queen: Fuck you too." -- EmoHunk]

The stunt whore asks Laura if she's alright as she gets buckled in, and she laughingly says she isn't. But you know who is alright? Sharon, riding the Luge. If Laura hated this so much, then why didn't she try a bit harder to get Handy to switch tasks? On the other hand, Joe Jer voices over shots of one of her runs, pointing out that it was much slower than the swing. Laura tells us that she went into something called "RoadBlock mode". Which I'm sure will involve her blaming Andy for making her do this, and withholding sex until he apologises. But she only tells us that she doesn't think about the task as she does it. Pfft. Laura swings, and it appears she only narrowly misses a gondola. Perhaps they should move either the gondola ropes or the swing. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen. Laura loses her beanie, and I think Handy offers to give her his, but there's a small glitch in my audio here, so part of that quote is missing. I blame the people angry with that whole Tibet/China thing from a couple of paragraphs ago. Laura's echoing voice tells Handy she's fine.

At the luge, Joe Jer crashes into a stopped Sharon at the end of the course. Kind of a shame that there wasn't a musical flourish right on the moment of impact.

Antsy run past the Super Marsio Bros. in between the gondola and the swing, and Marsio tells them how scary it was. In what appears to be a different location, he adds that he was "glad [he] did it, though". And it's lucky this show doesn't do schmaltzy "Journey!!1!" packages, because that scene would be right on top of their list.

There's a bunch of luging, but it looks to me as though Zabrina is the only one participating. It's my party, and I'll luge if I want to, indeed. (Wait, are you telling me that's not how the song goes?)

Antsy reaches the swing, and Admiral Whinypants suddenly realises that when the clue says "swing", they don't necessarily mean "jive". Speaking of swinging, Handy does. A barely concealed "holy shit!" from Admiral Whinypants segues into San's excited cheering. San, I like you and all, but you really need to stop that.

In the gondola, Marsio explains how feeling like he was going to die felt. What? You expect me to make jokes about that? Maybe when I've had more coffee.

We briefly check in on the lugers (still luging) and Antsy (still not jumping) before Laura reads the Arrowtown clue again for our enjoyment, or lack thereof. Both Andy and Mardy realises that they will have to search for the clue. No "the cluebox is located by the fifth haystack left of the sheep herd found immediately counterclockwise from the barn"? Refreshing, frankly. The Super Marsio Bros. get to their car.

Luging all over the place, resulting in Joe Jer somehow tipping her toboggan over onto its side.

Fran swings, with yet more cheering by San. God, SHUT UP, dude. Tense music plays as Howard luges, and as Handy and Laura realise San is ready to swing. He does, and somehow his Woo Hoo Hoo Hoo! is miraculously cut down to a simple Woo!, followed by throaty laughter. I approve, though it's still one too many Woo!s to be completely enjoyable.

"Zzzzz." (21 seconds.)

SanFran get the clue and almost calm down enough to not act like four-year-olds after drinking red cordial. Meanwhile, Syeon is slowly lowered into position. We may be about to see someone get launched into space without any fuel. SanFran reads the clue. Syeon swings. The little camera that's supposed to be filming her face is focused on her jawline, because she tilts her head backwards during the entire thing. From this angle, she almost looks like Mr. Bean.

The lugers are still luging, if you care. I know I don't.

Admiral Whinypants voices over that he didn't like the swing. The snarky editors cleverly put this confessional over a shot of him quite clearly having the time of his life on the swing. Except not.

Luging. Sharon promises Melody that she'll "try and be as fast as [she] can, girl". Well, yes, speed would help in a race, hon.

Antsy and Zabrina both get their clues. The cluegiver at the luge has some unfortunate sideburns that make him look like an extra in a Grease remake.

The Super Marsio Bros. have made their way to Arrowtown, and Mardy seems to have no idea where he has to search for the next clue.

The two remaining luging teams get the clue. Howard's white beanie looks ridiculous. Whoever started that stereotype about all gay men being stylish? Completely wrong. ["You wear jeans and sarcastic t-shirts all the time, and you're mocking someone ELSE for their fashion sense?" -- EmoHunk]

The Super Marsio Bros. are still searching from their vehicle.

Howard and Cirran discuss once again about how Cirran was never going to do the swing. We learn that they went on the race "to have fun". Well, colour me shocked. Why would someone so afraid of heights come on THIS show to have fun?

A bunch of teams get off the gondola and return to their cars.

The Super Marsio Bros. have found the clue at Arrowtown. Mardy calls the cluebox "a son of a gun". Heh. In their car, San tells us that he gets worried every time he hears "find a clue". Do these people even understand which damn show they auditioned for? Marsio reads the clue, telling them to "self-drive" (ugh) to Off-Road Adventures. Mardy seems excited. WuWho adds in a bunch of useless information -- blah blah rugged farmland blah blah Lord of the Rings blah bling blee, pretty much -- and tells us that both team members have to ride quad bikes along a marked course. The Super Marsio Bros. return to their car, and it appears Marsio has lost his map, leading Mardy to sound like a Hispanic stereotype. "I don't know where chu PUT it! Chu always lost things, man!" (Blame EmoHunk for making me realise that.)

"Zzzzz." (45 seconds.)

Syeon gets on board a double-decker bus, and asks the driver if he has the next clue. Unsurprisingly, the driver is confused.

Melody says they should check out the Chinese settlement, after she sees Zabrina turning in that general direction. Zabrina and Joe Jer are indeed the next team to find the cluebox. Zabrina's big pink gloves do not appear to be particularly practical.

Antsy asks Handy and Laura if they've found the clue yet, and Handy logically points out that if they had the clue, they'd be going to wherever the clue said, instead of searching around like a bunch of fools. Quite right.

Howard and Cirran also decide to check out that bus. The bus driver's probably thinking, "Am I really that conspicuous parked here in my empty double-decker bus?"

Antsy and SanFran both find the clue. How did Sharon and Melody get so lost along here? Howard and Cirran also find it, and Cirran wants Howard to take it somewhere else to read, because then people might see them. Sharon and Melody see the cluebox anyway, guys or no guys. As they leave, Handy and Laura turn up, miraculously in last place. So much for the speeding helping you.

The Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the off-road place, and find that it closed at 3:30pm. In the afternoon. They must really not be doing much business there, then. Also, it means the entire leg up until this point has been both boring and pointless. Everybody else soon joins them.

"Zzzzz." (A chunk I'm too lazy to time.)

It turns out that Handy is trying to blame the stunt whore's watch for him being in last place. Or something like that. The Super Marsio Bros. explain that Handy can't be trusted. On a slomo shot of Handy pacing, we cut to...

Commercials. Mmmmm, labneh.

The next morning, Handy and Laura voice over that they wondered whether they should violate the gentlemen's agreement they made and show up at the karting place early enough to not be in last, but then they decided it wasn't worth pissing people off to do it. Makes sense, but how do they not realise they're pissing people off anyway?

"Zzzzz." (35 seconds-ish.)

Mardy tells us that they wound up in last place starting the quad bikes, because there wasn't an outfit big enough for him to wear. As much as I'd like to blame the stunt whores, I think this might be a producer problem. Is it really that hard to find out people's clothing sizes beforehand, and make sure the right sizes are available when you get down there?

"Zzzzz." (A chunk of time conveniently lasting the duration of the task. All you really need to know is that Sharon's bike died, and everyone passes them.)

SanFran get the clue, which is a RoadBlock. Here, WuWho wants to threaten people who don't know what one is with making them write "A ROADBLOCK IS A TASK THAT ONLY ONE PERSON CAN PERFORM" on a blackboard repeatedly, but doesn't. And what is the RoadBlock? A bungy jump. Yes, that's right, ANOTHER one. Sigh. In fact, it's the same one as we saw way back in The Amazing Race 2. Obviously, being a bungy jump, it's also a first come, first served task, but the catch here is that you only have two minutes to jump once you step out onto the ledge, or you have to go to the back of any line. And because it's a huge drop, it might actually happen.

Fran reads the teaser hint for us, muffled slightly by her helmet. It says: "Who can fly 134m in 8.5 seconds?" San takes it, and so does Laura.

Marsio tells us that he's "a superhero" for managing to ride a quad bike. Yeah, you might want to lay off with the Jonathan Baker references there, dude. It's very unpleasant. Howard, Mardy, Admiral Whinypants, and Melody all have the RoadBlock thrust upon them. You may notice that we don't yet find out which of Zabrina and Joe Jer is jumping. As they leave, Syeon's helmet gets stuck to her head (insert "Gasp! The skinny Korean girl has a fat head! Egads!" joke here), and Admiral Whinypants tries unsuccessfully to remove it. I would like to see her try and finish the leg wearing the helmet.

The teams are driven up to the gondola that will take them over to the bungy platform. First, we learn that Marsio thinks jumping from high altitudes "gives [him] headaches". They also give me headaches, because I have to try and figure out how to make it interesting to read about, and I think we can agree that out of the three times I've had to do it in these past two episodes, I have failed to do so. Then, we learn that Howard wants Cirran to do the RoadBlock. Does he not know that they can't change once they know what the task is? What show does he think this is, Survivor? Also, Laura wants the other teams to know that "yes, it [bungy jumping] can rupture your retinas". Helpful! And, necessary! Fran weighs in on the debate, as though someone cares what she thinks, and she says there's no need to psych people out. She seems to think that three-year-olds will be unable to figure out that Handy is being a big meanie. Besides, she's sleeping with the Kiwi. If anybody in the race would know whether your eyes pop out bungy jumping, it's San, and he clearly seems to think it's a load of hogwash.

It's time for this week's segment of Wonder World (Now with 100% less Simon Townsend!). San wonders whether this is that largest bungy jump in the world. Laura wonders why people would pay to bungy jump. Sharon wonders why she's letting herself do this after swearing to herself that she wouldn't. Zabrina wonders "what the hell [Joe Jer's] been eating" to get to the ridiculous weight of 61 kilograms. Lardass. ["This, coming from the guy who's beer gut has its own beer gut?" -- EmoHunk]

San jumps, and the epic music kicks in, moderately appropriately for once. After a brief interruption caused by Melody's realisation that quitters never win, we learn that teams are heading to the Pit Stop, after what may be the least physically challenging leg in Amazing Race history. Seriously, even those almost-universally-reviled Family Edition legs in the south of the United States were tougher than this one. And to make matters worse, the Pit Stop is at a winery. The Chard Farm Winery, to be exact. WuWho reads from the Chard Farm winery promotional material as he calls it "widely-acclaimed". Pfft. Fran finishes reading the clue, telling us that the "last team to arrive will be eliminated". (In the event of a tie, ...fuck it, I don't care.) So in addition to being a ridiculously dull episode to watch, with poorly-designed tasks to boot, they're not even letting this be a nonelimination? And they're being allowed to get drunk? This really is the worst episode ever.

"Zzzzz." (About three and a half minutes, until the commercials. The interpersonal dynamics are a little bit entertaining in this stretch -- such as Joe Jer "pretending" to kick Handy -- but frankly, my mind is going to turn into an even bigger pile of mush if I have to recap more bungy jumping any time soon. And a mushy-minded recapper is not a good recapper.)

Commercials. Right about now, I wish Quantum Leap was real, because then Sam could leap into me and I could get out of writing the end of this one. But because it's not, you're stuck with me. And I'm tired and in a bad mood. Oh, boy.

Mardy jumps. Whee!

SanFran arrive at the vineyard and run to the mat, where... oh my god, is tha... no it's not. For a minute there I almost thought they had Phil Keoghan as the greeter. Which would totally rock, but which would make me compelled to point out that it's not the right part of New Zealand for that to make sense. Checking the winery's website, it looks as though Not!Phil is simply the owner. This week's "kia ora" is a simple "hi". I feel ripped off. Welcome, SanFran, you are Team Number... One! And on a leg with driving! San tells us he was excited to win a leg in his home country, but he sounds as though he's reading a ransom note. Don't blame me, I just report the facts. ["Maybe his personality has been taken hostage by Hobbits." -- EmoHunk]

Antsy are driving. They cannot see the Pit Stop but, to be fair, they also don't seem to be trying very hard.

Handy and Laura find the turnoff for the winery. Handy warns her not to go too fast, almost choking on the hypocrisy of what he just said.

Mardy and Marsio get the clue.

Welcome, Handy and Laura, you are Team Number... Two. But you get a penalty for the speeding, of two minutes for every kilometre over the speed limit you were, for a total of 92 minutes. Or something to that effect. I miss when it was a simple "thirty minutes plus time gained" for every penalty. But apparently the penalty doesn't count until they leave the Pit Stop, which means they're safe even if everyone else arrives in the next 92 minutes. What a stupid idea. But still, the last three episodes have pretty much all been decided by penalties, so I can see why they did this. Doesn't make me any happier about it though. Andy looks stonefaced when WuWho condescendingly asks if they understand that they fucked up.

Melody is scared, and one of the stunt whores tells her to stick her fists into her pockets for some reason. Cirran and Howard blather on about Cirran wanting to take the penalty, even though he wasn't the one doing the task. If you're not even going to watch someone attempt something you don't have to do, Cirran, then GO HOME ALREADY. God. Howard finally takes a tone I can agree with, which is basically "we raced, we can't unrace". The stunt whore reminds Melody about why she should jump head-first rather than foot first. Howard jumps. For some reason, that music this show has that really doesn't fit in anywhere when it's used (you know the one I mean) turns up right here.

Zabrina and Joe Jer find the winery turnoff, and squeal and giggle their way to the mat. Welcome, girls, you are Team Number... Three. Happy slomo hugs for all! WuWho congratulates them on a "great job". Which is pretty stupid, considering they've had two third-place finishes already, in Kuala Lumpur and Auckland, and would have won the Bali leg if it weren't for their RoadBlock penalty. These girls, frankly, are smoking the race.

Howard bitches for Cirran to not have a breakdown on the way to the Pit Stop, because they have a chance of not being last. Heh.

Melody freaks out a little on the bungy platform, but jumps anyway. She screams.

"Zzzzz." (Not long, but long enough to tune out for a while.)

The Super Marsio Bros. are lost, and Mardy and Marsio switch positions. Antsy, meanwhile, have found the road. Howard says they can't take risks, because there's a chance they could be in last place. Isn't that exactly the time when you should be taking risks?

Welcome, Antsy, you are Team Number... Four.

Howard is doing exactly what he told Cirran not to, and is freaking out. Well, I suppose you can't get where you're going if you're both like Flo.

The Super Marsio Bros. find the turnoff. Welcome, you are Team Number... Five.

Cirran threatens to decapitate the producers if they aren't able to drink any wine at the winery. As you do.

Both Howard and Cirran and Sharon and Melody appear to be driving along the bumpy road to the winery. I would have thought somewhere so widely-acclaimed would have a better driveway. All four people get out and start running to the mat, and it's edited to be close, even though we never see the opposing teams in the same shot. Howard and Cirran arrive first, sadly. Welcome, you are Team Number... Six. Howard is much more excited than Cirran to still be in the race. I think Cirran seriously had no idea what he was signing up for.

Sharon and Melody make it to the mat, and are told the bad news about their elimination. In a post-boot interview, Sharon tells us that her "biggest fear for this race was, you know, behaving badly, and losing [Melody] as a friend". Awwww! Sharon is seriously awesome. And she clearly knows what the race involves, which is more than I can say for some of the people still left, CirranAndyAdmiralWhinypantsCirranMardyCirranMarsioCirran. Melody reminds her that they made a deal that "[their] friendship was more important than anything else".

Fucking quad bikes.

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. Pit Stop Captain? Priscilla Yeo (what does that job entail, anyway? Is it uniting the teams to make a stand against exorbitant room service prices?). Pit Stop Hotel? Still not mentioned. ["Priscilla Yeo must be doing her job very poorly." -- EmoHunk]["Well, she was responsible for casting the next two seasons. Between Marc, Rovilson, Ann, Terri, Sophie, Edwin, Vince, Geoff, Henry, Mai, Niroo, Kapil, and Natalie, she's got a lot to answer for." -- Raceguy]

=====

Thank God that's over. I wish EmoHunk could have left after a better episode, but them's the breaks sometimes. I don't know how much of my hatred of recapping this episode was due to burnout, or knowing the results, or the whole WhoreBoy situation, or just simply not caring about this particular episode, so from now on, I'm going to be jumping all over the place and taking some episodes from different seasons instead of doing them chronologically. Hopefully it'll make for some better recaps. I'll be doing this with a couple of other shows, too, so there are going to be some Skins, Quantum Leap, and Doctor Who episodes coming up in the near future. I know fewer TARA recaps isn't ideal, but I'm trying to do whatever I can to stop myself from getting sick of this whole project thing. Because it actually was a bunch of fun until recently. And on that sad note, good night, and big balls.

1x05: Auckland, New Zealand

2009-10-18T16:45:00.003-07:00

Sure, there’s a reason why you should be annoyed about Team Idiot getting the boot. It’s… uh… it’s… um… okay, no, there totally isn’t.

Previously on Sydney Harbour Bitch: The pretty beaches and buildings of Bali were wonderful to look at, but the prospect of a third consecutive episode in a country (in this case Indonesia) was not. So everybody flew down to Sydney, Australia; home of a big new tower and a little old Opera House that had nothing to do with anything in the episode at all. But it was also the home of a big old bridge that did have something to do with making Sharon impersonate Leonardo DiCaprio, and with exposing Cirran's fear of heights for the crap that it is. The simple task of going to an aquarium and trying to find out what "Dangerous Australian Animals" left some teams perplexed, while others went behind the Perspex for the RoadBlock. For the second week in a row, the RoadBlock was quit, but this time it was only Howard who decided that he didn't want to feature in a cross-over with When Animals Attack!. Laura would have fallen arse-over-teakettle, if she had only been carrying an actual teakettle, and wound up with an unscheduled Detour to the back of an ambulance. Even so, she managed to limp to the finish line ahead of Howard and Cirran, who were saved by a non-elimination. Will they be the team to finally succumb to the no-money penalty, even though they're also one of the first teams to get the penalty in a country that's both rich and English speaking? Will Laura have to complement her unscheduled Detour with an unscheduled Fast Forward to the Loser Lodge? And which of the eight remaining teams will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. As fun as they were, those Indonesian plate dancers really don't compare to the roaring tiger that used to be in the American credits. [CHOMP.]

Did you know that the racers are in Sydney at the moment? If you didn't, will this shot of the bridge help you identify it? Because it's, like, the only landmark Sydney has. Oh, and there's some weird off-white Danish-designed building made from bathroom tiles, too. Sydney is "the largest city in Australia", which I am not in the least surprised to hear WuWho say, because it's the only way you can talk about how amazing Sydney is without implying that the amazingly ignored city of Melbourne is even better. And it's false anyway, unless you actually mean to say "the most populated city in Australia". Sydney is apparently famous for its stock-footage beaches, but we didn't see any last week. Docked on this adowable widdle harbour thingy Sydney also has is a replica of the Bounty. On the original there was a Mutiny, but twelve hours ago there was a mugging.

WuWho pretends to consider the possibility that Laura won't be able to continue racing, but the problem with this is that she was seen racing in the previews for this episode. But just ignore that and pretend you're surprised when the doctor tells her her leg is fine. And with any luck, she won't blame her incompetence on an injury like Omarosa did. Laura's leg is bandaged.

As the first place team, Antsy gets the pleasure of having their Pit Stop arrival replayed here in all its underwhelming "glory". At 12:30am, they are told to fly to Auckland, New Zealand. They have again been told which airline to fly, even though several fly the Sydney-Auckland route, and even though the normal show sponsors are not one of them. Ridiculous. Anyway, when they get to Auckland, they have to leave straight away. They'll take a ferry to Devonport, where they must find "the child on a swing". Sounds simple, right? WuWho recaps what Admiral Whinypants just said, calling Devonport a "charming historic seaside village", and confirms that the child on a swing is just that -- a small girl on a swing near the ferry terminal. Admiral Whinypants says that because the game is so dependent on luck, they are under no delusions of adequacy regarding their actual level of ability. They decide to sleep in line at the airport.

12:32am. Good morning, Sharon and Melody! Sharon tells us that people are "sociable when [they're] at rest, but when [they're] supposed to race against each other, hell hath no fury." Hee. In other news, I can count $120 in crisp, colourful Australian currency in Sharon's hands in their cab. Seriously, our money makes it look like we're world champions at Monopoly.

12:41am. SanFran leave, and they are wayyyy too excited about going to Auckland. San even calls it "home", and... like, now they're pretty much guaranteed to lose. Whenever someone says they know an area well, they've never won the leg. Team Guido in Paris, Tara and Wil in Bangkok, the Schroeders in New Orleans, Antsy in Kuala Lumpur... the list goes on. And so shall the show. For some reason, Kiwi San pronounces Auckland "Or Clend". Fran says that now that they've been racing for a while, they can sort of understand what to expect. San agrees, saying they'll be fine as long as they don't have to drive again. Bwah! San really is the Craig of this show, and not just in terms of smouldering good looks.

At 1:05am, the Super Marsio Bros. depart. Either Indonesian and New Zealander accents are very similar, which I don't think they are, because I would have mocked them for it already, or Marsio just did a perfect "Nuh Z'lend". Heh. Nice to see Aussies aren't the only ones who do that. Marsio also decides to talk about how "this race is so unpredictable", and how teams can go from first to last in an instant. Do you think that they're trying to prepare us for Antsy to come last? In their cab, Marsio makes the point of telling their cabbie that the reason they need the "Air New Zealand terminal" is because they're going to New Zealand. He does know that it doesn't actually have its own terminal, right?

1:31am. Team Idiot. Prashant is wearing a bomber jacket, which are usually nice and thick and woolly and are therefore not the best cold-weather gear you could take with you on a trip like this. Sahil has a peach bandanna. Yeah, not going there. Could, but won't. Sahil also talks about the unpredictability of the race. Gah. Prashant says they have to "be alert at all times".

1:36am. Zabrina and Joe Jer are also excited to be flying to New Zealand. How is everyone so excited at this time of night? Joe Jer tells us that they think they're smart by doing something nobody else is, and then when they find out that everyone else did the same thing, they get a little disheartened. I like these girls, even if booking a taxi doesn't count as the most strategically shocking thing someone could do.

1:38am. Andy and Laura. In their cab, a weirdly-framed shot shows Andy explaining how they didn't have a strategy, but then talking about how they were trying to not make mistakes, and hoping the other teams did. Doesn't that count as strategy, though? And four seventh place finishes in a row has shown how well that's worked, hasn't it? Arrogant tool.

As Howard and Cirran walk up to the mat, they notice the other teams have all left behind some money. Ew. At 5:36am, they depart, with Howard calling the race "an emotional rollercoaster". He also calls it "lucky" that the teams left them enough money to get to the airport. Luck, stupidity, it's a very fine line. They read the clue.

Howard voices over that they didn't expect to get money from Andy and Laura (I wonder what the backstory there is), and were correct in that assumption, but then adds that Andy and Laura tried to blame it on not remembering. It's not like they wouldn't have seen the money all the others left for them before they got to the mat. I'm not buying that story for a second. At the airport, Andy and Laura rant about how it's "unlucky" that they weren't asked. Dear Andy: Shut up with the unlucky talk, because I'm reaching the point where I just want to grab you and stick a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe, and a whole bunch of other luck-related items in a very uncomfortable place.

People buy their plane tickets. It's a very interesting eight seconds of footage. Except not.

While they wait for the plane, Howard and Cirran start begging for money. We get a montage of shots -- I counted 13 in total, including some taken from a distance like the Portable Posse's airport-lounge begging -- and Cirran tells us one guy gave them fifty bucks. The Monopoly money makes another appearance as Howard counts it on a seat. Unfortunately, the Isn't This Funny music also returns.

The Super Marsio Bros. tell the lady behind the ticket counter that they're brothers. But we don't get any actual context to the remark, so you won't get any context to the punchline here either: Panpipes.

WuWho voices over that all eight teams made it onto the same flight to Or Clend. Whichever graphics guy incorporated the "plane taking off" and "plane landing" shot into the background is a fucking genius.

At Or Clend Airport, teams run out and catch taxis. Just like every other week. In their cab, Mardy tells us that Laura pushed him out of the way so she could get a cab. Marsio points out that "they like to play dirty, huh?" And: exactly. Weren't they one of the teams that did the same thing way back in Jakarta?

Zabrina and Joe Jer overtake Andy and Laura. Woo!

SanFran are the slow getting into a taxi, and Fran tells the driver that they need to get ahead of all the other cabs. San tells her to relax. Because they can use his Home!Town!ADVANTAGE!!1!1! to get ahead.

Sahil tells us that Andy looks "whiny", and that "on a straight, [they]'re gonna burn 'em". Yeah, it didn't make any sense to me either. But if it's about Team Idiot being able to beat the other teams in a fair competition, you can call that Foreshadowing, Part 1.

Howard and Cirran catch a cab.

There are more shots of mildly unsafe driving, but it's much better than what we got back in Jakarta. And therefore, it's also much more boring.

Howard tries to get his cabbie to confirm that a child on a swing is something that's in a store. The driver agrees, probably just to get him to shut up.

Andy and Laura are the first team to get to the ferry terminal. Notably, Team Idiot is still in their cab, where Prashant is trying to smooth his hair down. They also have these big huge sunnies on which, while they may be good for your eyes, cannot possibly be helping your back. As Andy and Laura find out that the next ferry leaves at 1:30, Sharon and Melody rock up. Soon, everyone else does. Crappy bunching. For them.

On the ferry, the Super Marsio Bros. confront Andy and Laura over Rob And Amber II: Cab-Steal Boogaloo. Mardy tries to say he had his stuff in the cab and was talking to the driver, but Laura whinily claims that Andy was. Hang on a second, let me just rewind a little bit and see who was right here.

...Okay, Andy actually was talking to the driver. This time. Short-term memory crisis over.

Andy and Laura confessional that "you can just detect the building animosity". But, seriously, can you blame these teams? You guys are really, REALLY annoying! Andy tries to explain how you know when a taxi is your taxi (the only correct answer to that question, by the way, is "when you buy it"). Back in the real world, Laura points out that it didn't matter that the Super Marsio Bros. had to get another cab, because they made the ferry anyway. Which is completely true. Mardy whines about how "it wasn't quite nice like that, you know?". Dude, does Laura LOOK like she's made of sugar and spice and all things nice?

Sahil and Prashant observe SanFran waiting by the doors, apparently in case they decide it's a good time to jump off the boat and swim to shore. Or something.

They don't jump, and the ferry arrives as expected. Now here's where this episode finally gets fun. Everybody runs out of the terminal, and everybody is instantly flummoxed by the instructions. Sharon and Melody think they're looking for an actual cluebox. Andy and Laura and SanFran have no clue at all. Sahil and Prashant have found a playground, but there's no girl. They mention that they "might have to go back to school" (Foreshadowing, Part 2). Antsy wonders if the swing is at the terminal building. Wouldn't at least SOMEBODY have noticed if that was the case? Prashant feels the need to explain the definition of "school" to a group of random locals. As stupid as it is, I'd be doing the same thing, except I'd probably be doing it just to piss them off. Fran says that it might be "a bar" or "a restaurant", and it's right around here I get the feeling the producers might have capitalised random words like they tend to on this show, so that it might have read something like this:

In some other part of Devonport, Howard and Cirran get directions. Or so they think. Admiral Whinypants tells Syeon that he thinks everyone missed it because they were running so much. Sharon gets directions to "the other side of the mountain". Oh, dear. Sahil mentions that Team Idiot "can't make a mistake" (Foreshadowing, Part 3). A different guy starts leading the Super Marsio Bros. to the primary school. He's sort of cute.

But they're all heading the wrong way, because Antsy are walking along the edge of the water and they find the right girl. She doesn't even stop swinging as she gives them the clue. You'll note she gets increasingly listless throughout the afternoon, as you would when the teams are going to wind up so spread out. How spread out, I hear you ask? Well, take note of the fact that Antsy gets the clue (per my count) 9 minutes and 19 seconds into the episode. They hide behind a van, and read the clue, which is this week's Detour. They also provide a brief explanation of the two tasks before WuWho interjects.

Just like it has been every other time, a Detour is a choice between two tasks. The tasks have pros; they also have cons. And not the Bernie Madoff kind of cons, either. Against some pretty white clouds, which shockingly do not appear to be long, WuWho tells us the choice this time is between "two New Zealand sporting favourites": The first option is called "Rugby", and to complete it, teams have to go to Victoria Park, like WuWho just magically did. There, they have to put on an All-Blacks rugby jersey, and kick three goals between them from the 22-metre line. The second option is called "Rigging", and involves going to Westhaven Marina, which you may remember as the starting point for the RoadBlock in that TAR5 episode with the broken ox. When teams rock up, they have to "rig a yacht using only the example given". Though WuWho doesn't actually explain why the rugby could be hard, it seems like the rugby place must be farther away or harder to find or something, because otherwise this is strangely lopsided. ["And yet I'd still pick the yachts, because they wouldn't let me back into the country if I was filmed wearing an All Blacks jersey." -- EmoHunk]

Antsy chooses Rigging. Melody tells us she knew the swing was "up the hill". Andy confessionals about how he and Laura went all the way up the hill looking for the swing. Teams are lost, and Zabrina tells us that she and Joe Jer only went up the hill because everyone else was. Joe Jer wants to imagine she's a donkey. All righty, then. Sharon asks some guy in his car if there's a school around. Which might have been a good idea BEFORE she climbed up the big-ass hill. Andy calls everyone else "sheep, following everybody". And by "everybody" he clearly means "us", even though there are teams walking ahead of them. It doesn't matter how good-looking you are, you can still make it onto The List, and Andy just has. And thanks for stealing the obligatory sheep joke. Bastard. Now what's left, netball?

Team Idiot is told that there are no parks or swings or anything even remotely resembling what they're looking for over the hill. Marsio reminds Mardy that they are in a race, as though he got amnesia and forgot the last four-and-a-bit legs have happened. Mardy, wearing an All Blacks cap, pauses against a brick fence and tells us how bad it hurts. Team Idiot has found a school, but can't find a swing. As an unidentifiable female team walks back down the hill, a lady tells SanFran there are a couple of swings by the shore. Once again, Marsio orders Mardy to try harder.

Back down at the ferry terminal, Antsy is hiding because they don't want anyone to see them and figure out that the clue swing is right near the ferry terminal, and they want to get a lead by taking the next ferry, which leaves in fifteen minutes, on their own. What they don't know, of course, is that there's no danger of that, because everybody is on a wild sheep chase right now.

Back on the hill, Andy and Laura tell Sharon, Melody, Howard, and Cirran about the two parks near the ferry terminal. It turns out that, per Andy, one's on one side of the ferry terminal, and one is on the other. Which makes it doubly weird that pretty much everybody somehow missed both of them.

Mardy asks a random guy if he can take them to the park, but Marsio shuts him down, pointing out once again that teams are forbidden from hitchhiking (Foreshadowing, Part 4). Marsio voices over that they didn't end up getting in the car as, back in the real world, he reminds Mardy that they don't know how big the penalty is.

The ominous music of Hey, You Idiots, That's Not Right! plays as Team Idiot convinces an older lady to give them a lift (Payoff, Part 1). Suddenly, WhoreBoy gets excited. ["Luckily, that was not a euphemism. As far as I know." -- EmoHunk] ["Relax, dude, there's only two guys who can make me hard, and they're both in front of this computer right now." -- WhoreBoy] ["See, there's this line you shouldn't cross, and you just straddled it and barfed." -- EmoHunk] ["Yeah, but... you started it! And need I remind you about the whole pants-wetting incident?" -- WhoreBoy] ["Guys, if you're going to act like babies, then I'm going to have to bend you over my knee and spank you." -- Raceguy] ["He'll enjoy that too much!" -- EmoHunk] ["How 'bout this: If you don't act like normal people, you get your arse fucked and he doesn't?" -- Raceguy] ["Remember that line I mentioned? I think I can see it vanishing in the distance..." -- EmoHunk] Tingly, masculine sounding wind chimes play us out.

Commercials. You are feeling very sleepy. You are feeling very sleepy. You are feeling very sleepy. Buy pillows.

Sahil gets annoyed when even their against-the-rules hitchhiking is not helping them find the clue. Serves you right. Meanwhile, SanFran are hoping everyone else is as stupid as they are. Heh. Howard and Cirran appear to be window-shopping while they search.

In happier news, Zabrina and Joe Jer have found Little Miss Seemingly-Invisible. Andy and Laura are still lost. Zabrina and Joe Jer read the clue. Laura is pissed, and the captioners finally get a real reason to type "'tis", as she figures out that the weird swinging thing she's staring at is indeed the girl on a swing.

At the ferry terminal, Antsy are once again getting antsy as they wait.

Zabrina and Joe Jer select Rigging. Andy and Laura retrieve the clue. Antsy are still waiting, and the girls are rushing back to the terminal for they 2:15pm ferry. Andy and Laura also choose Rigging. They too run to the terminal.

The Super Marsio Bros. are still ambling along. I know, you're shocked too. Except, you know, not at all. Marsio takes Mardy's bag. Hee. Mardy is the Flo! Fran says that she and San are going to grab a cab if they see one. Apparently, there's no penalty if you get into an actual cab, but you can't get into a private vehicle. Just so you know, if you ever decide to audition. At a place called "The House Of Toys", Howard asks if there are any swings inside. The Super Marsio Bros. are still lost and whining. An Italian-sounding lady points down the road when Howard and Cirran asks for directions. Except with more hand motions. Fran tells us she hates not knowing where everyone else is, because they might be in front of her. Well, she should be used to that, after the first two legs.

The three teams already back at the ferry terminal board the boat.

Howard and Cirran realise the ferry is leaving. Without them. And they find the clue practically immediately afterwards, if the editing is anything to go by. Which it usually isn't. But it is 13 minutes and 49 seconds into the episode, if anyone cares. They read the Rugby section of the clue, and we cut to them laughing about how they'd still be there if they picked that one. So, obviously, they picked Rigging. Stereotype Lesson of the Week: Gay people suck at sport. Really, we do. As the boat finally departs, Cirran reads that they have to be on it.

A very wide shot of Howard and Cirran walking to the terminal zooms out to reveal that it's being taken from the departing ferry. Nice catch. On said ferry, Andy confirms that they've got at least a thirty-minute lead on anybody behind them. Howard and Cirran enter the terminal. Zabrina and Joe Jer get directions to the marina, as Andy and Laura laugh for some unexplained reason. Howard and Cirran realise they can see the girl on the swing from inside the terminal. The ferry makes its way back to Or Clend.

The music abruptly changes, and we cut to the Super Marsio Bros., still travelling at a snail's pace. What? There have got to be snails that move that slowly, at least somewhere in the world.

Team Idiot has found a whole heap of swings, but there are no kids anywhere. And especially not kids with clues. But they get out anyway (Payoff, Part 2). It's at a school, and they interrupt a class with a teacher who doesn't know anything. About the clue, at least. I'm sure she knows stuff about something else. Probably. Maybe. Actually, I'm not sure at all, really. She looks smart, though.

The Super Marsio Bros. decide to get a taxi.

Team Idiot is trying to hitchhike again, but can't get a car to stop (Payoff, Part 3). Sharon asks someone driving if "the child on a swing" is a local landmark or something. As Team Idiot still fails to hitch a ride (Payoff, Part 4), the guy -- who sounds pretty sleazy -- offers to "give [them] a ride". I know he means it in the non-sexual way, but still? Ew. Sharon politely refuses. Team Idiot, hitchhiking again (Payoff, Part 5). Sharon waves to the guy they stopped as he drives off, and Melody laughs at what just happened. If only she knew what else was going on. The car immediately behind that one stops and offers them a lift, too. The girls confessional that they really wanted a lift because they were so tired, but they couldn't. Sharon tells us that "the rules stated what type of transport we might use throughout the race very specifically", and Melody confirms they would have been allowed to take a metered taxi. A guy offers SanFran and their crew a ride, if they can "all pile in here", but Fran also politely refuses. Team Idiot have finally stopped someone and ask for a lift to the school (Payoff, Part 6).

Meanwhile, the first ferry returns to Or Clend. They rush into taxis, with Antsy being confused for a second. And when they get into their cab, Syeon asks for "Westpoint [sic] Marina, Pier D", which I'm thinking won't help. Andy lets us in on his philosophy, the Six P's: Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance. I want to know what the sixth P is, given that piss-poor is a hyphenated word, at least according to my spellchecker. Pricks? Petroleum? Pornography? Pistachio? Payoff?

Team Idiot is in their helper's car, and Sahil voices over that they were walking for ages. Yeah, right (Payoff, Part 7). Prashant adds that they "must have gone to maybe thirteen, fourteen places" (Payoff, Part 8). They get dropped off at a swingset, but it's not the right one (Payoff, Part 9). Sahil tells us "there were no taxis in Devonport". The editors cut immediately to the Super Marsio Bros. getting into a taxi. Bwah! (Payoff, Part 10) SanFran have also got a taxi (Payoff, Part 11), and San tells us he thinks it's "the sensible option". Soon, SanFran are checking swings everywhere, and sliding down a bunch of slides. Well, if you're going to get lost and confused, you might as well have fun doing it, I suppose. Fran complains that her "ass is too big", using a phony American accent for "ass". Huh. They get back in their taxi.

An older couple provides Sharon and Melody with directions to a swingset. They (Sharon and Melody, not the older couple, though they might have done it too) walk along the beach, and Sharon points out some lavender bushes.

In their cab, the Super Marsio Bros. are confused. As their meter ticks over to $13.00, Mardy confessionals that they were stupid for not realising that the clue said the swing was at the ferry terminal. Well, he doesn't actually say that, but you can tell it's what he's thinking. And it's what I'm thinking. One point for me.

Howard and Cirran's ferry arrives, and they're still the only team on it. The Super Marsio Bros. and SanFran both get their taxi drivers to drive them back to the ferry terminal. Inside the terminal, Howard and Cirran watch the kid-on-a-swing in case anybody finds it.

Team Idiot tries hitchhiking again (Payoff, Part 12). Howard and Cirran wait for everyone to get off the ferry. Team Idiot gets into another car. (Payoff, Part 13). In their legally-acquired cab, Marsio remarks on his team's stupidity. Heh. Team Idiot directs their driver. (Payoff, Part 14).

Mardy sees the girl-on-a-swing. God, finally. Cirran thinks that the two larger Indonesian guys with the camera crew happen to be THESE two larger Indonesian guys with a camera crew, but Howard thinks it might be two OTHER larger Indonesian guys with a camera crew. At 17 minutes and 56 seconds, the girl-on-a-swing welcomes the Super Marsio Bros. to Or Clend, and hands over the clue. Mardy calls her "a cutie". Awww. Howard and Cirran board the ferry as the Super Marsio Bros. read the clue. Howard asks what time the ferry leaves, and the answer? Before the Super Marsio Bros. can get on. Howard is happy to have gotten the ferry on his own, while the Super Marsio Bros. lament all the time it took them to read the fucking clue. Cirran half-correctly assumes that "Andy and Syeon" [sic] knew where they were going and lied. Howard compliments them on "playing the game".

Speaking of Antsy, they arrive at the marina. Apparently, their cabbie knew where "Westpoint Marina" actually was. In their cab, Joe Jer tells Zabrina she's never rigged a yacht before, and that she's "not good with her hands". So, great Detour choice, then. Zabrina makes a funny face.

Antsy -- now wearing matching outfits -- finds the task, and they get the explanation. Roughly, "make your boat look like this one". They get the sail, two big blue ropes, two "loops" (so the sail doesn't go flying off into the ether), and a green and white rope to pull it up with. It actually doesn't seem so complicated. Of course, Rugby would still be the easier option, but this isn't as bad as I expected. And, as Andy and Laura show up, of course Syeon wants him to "explain that again". Heh.

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive at the marina, and follow the race arrows to the boats. Another interesting four seconds of television, and you saw it here first, people. As Admiral Whinypants starts rigging the sail, Andy wants to get all of his and Laura's stuff on the boat to make it quicker. Because those three seconds you save here will wind up making a difference, I'm sure. Like, I get the idea, but there's a time for doing everything you can on the race, and I'm not sure this is it, especially when you know you've got -- at the very minimum -- half an hour on the other teams. So why bother, you know? Zabrina and Joe Jer say hi to the others on the way to the "demonstration", as Admiral Whinypants realises he's much more of a landlubber than he realised. Antsy switches to Rugby. Admiral Whinypants says that the only reason they couldn't do the rigging was because they weren't calm. Zabrina and Joe Jer appear to be working calmly, just like a good team should, while Andy and Laura talk about the other teams. Again. Sigh. Just run your own damn race already. Antsy leaves the marina, and the other two teams present continue working like they know what they're doing. Zabrina realises that it might take a fair while to complete, while Laura tells us that Andy's "so good at building things" that they didn't even hesitate about which task to choose. In less verbose terms? Andy is Handy. For some reason, the tense music of Flo Is The Winner plays as Handy and Laura finish the task, with Zabrina and Joe Jer discussing switching in the background.

Antsy have gotten to Victoria Park remarkably quickly, and there are a group of rugby players on hand to help them with the task. You will notice that none of them are actual All Blacks. Epic music swells unnecessarily as they take their place on the field.

Handy and Laura get the clue, which tells them to "take a taxi to Sky City, and complete the Vertigo Climb". Basically, it's a giant ladder inside a 300-foot-high elevator shaft. WuWho claims that Sky City is New Zealand's largest casino, and I guess they're gambling on... whether people survive? I don't know. But I do remember seeing this task on an Australian show called Who Dares Wins all the way back in the 1990's. And that show at least added the climbing up the spire bit, which became a Fast Forward in TAR 13 as well. Bad work, producers. Let it be known, Sky City is all televisioned out for a while. (I say this as someone who is as sick of seeing it as I am of seeing China and India on this show, rather than as someone who actually represents the casino. Also, put it all on blood red!) (By the way, according to my research, the Who Dares Wins and TAR13 episodes in question are the only times the spire has ever been climbed.) Handy and Laura head off in their cab, and we get a nice shot of the Sky Tower framed by yacht masts, zooming in on the tower. The camera effects seem to be as good this week as they have ever been on The Amazing Race, maybe even better. Good work, show.

Zabrina still wants to switch, because she knows how to kick, but she doesn't know how to do the rigging on a yacht. One point for Zabrina, explaining things logically.

Speaking of the rugby, Admiral Whinypants kicks off. Okay, I'm going to be honest here, and point out that my football code of choice is Aussie Rules, and not just because the players are hotter. So anything I say about the racers' skill is to be taken at face value only, rather than as it would coming from anybody who actually knows jack shit about what they're talking about. Because I know as much about rugby as Team Idiot knows about reading the rules. Admiral Whinypants's first attempt is pretty good, landing right in the middle of the goal posts. But it's rolling along the ground instead of clearing the crossbar like it's supposed to do. So it doesn't count. And, besides, they aren't wearing the jerseys. Syeon realises they both suck at this, but that they can't waste the time going back to the marina.

Commercials. Raceguy's Hunk Of The Week this week is... well, actually, after last week's non-recap, let's have two. Raceguy's HunkS Of The Week this week are Matthew Mitcham and Alexandre Despatie. Fuck or pass? ["With a bulge like Alex's, shouldn't the question be 'Be fucked or pass?'?" -- WhoreBoy]

We return to the field with Antsy, and Syeon's ball Charlie Browns itself, even without Lucy around. Her kick doesn't even make it off the ground. Seriously, people it's probably not that hard. Just kick the ball from below, and aim in the right direction. Syeon tells us she sucks. Yes, we know. Back at the yachts, Zabrina has taken charge, and they appear to be making some progress. At the rugby, we get a few shots of Syeon sucking, before they realise that they were supposed to be wearing the jerseys. Idiots. Syeon tells us that, in effect, they relaxed more as their lead shrank. Andy makes a kick that looks alright, but appears to not make the distance. Or something.

All the way over at Swinger's Paradise, Fran is getting pissed with the "ridiculous" search. In their cab, San wonders if the "little kiddie got tired of swinging" and went home. Well, if she did, she's not getting her pocket money, and she has to go to bed without dinner. Sharon and Melody are still trying to figure out the clue. There's a shot of the girl-on-a-swing here, in case you had forgotten what the teams are looking for. SanFran stop a couple of women and ask if there are any other swings in Devonport, after Fran says she "never want[s] to see another swing again after this day". Heh.

Team Idiot is in another car, and they find Sharon and Melody (Payoff, Part 15). Melody points out that they're not allowed to hitchhike (Payoff, Part 16). Team Idiot wonders where it says that, and Melody points out it's a race rule (Payoff, Part 17). Team Idiot gets out; as Sharon points out they're going to be in trouble (Payoff, Part 18). Prashant tells them not to tattle, as though all of their hour-or-so of hitchhiking wasn't caught on, like, a television camera or something similar. Walking through a park later, they realise that the damage is done (Payoff, Part 19).

On the ferry, Howard and Cirran go over the rules for the Rigging. They arrive in Or Clend and get a taxi.

At the marina, Zabrina and Joe Jer pull their mast up and go to get the clue, but it's not done right. Zabrina thinks they attached the sail to the wrong rope. I think; it's sort of hard to tell.

On their own ferry, the Super Marsio Bros. finally explain that they've chosen Rugby, because 22 metres really isn't that far.

At the rugby, Admiral Whinypants whines that Malaysians don't know anything about kicking a rugby ball, and: Isn't that the entire point of doing this task in New Zealand? If you guys were experts at everything, we could have held the entire race within a six-block radius in Kuala Lumpur! Admiral Whinypants misses again.

In their cab, Laura expresses her disgust at being asked to perform a physical task. Grow up, lady. They arrive at the tower and suit up. Handy expects he'll be extremely visible in the construction-worker orange jumpsuit they have to wear. And he will. Just not by anybody outside the climbing shaft.

Zabrina and Joe Jer fix what they thought was the problem, but it wasn't. Take three. Howard and Cirran arrive at the marina and begin. Howard whines that he doesn't know what he's doing, and Cirran cheerfully points out that they aren't going to be a part of the America's Cup. Zabrina and Joe Jer fuck up again.

Admiral Whinypants and Syeon are at the rugby, and have scored two of the necessary three goals, which are handily shown with little ball graphics. Heh.

Howard and Cirran run around their yacht like a couple of headless sheep, while Zabrina and Joe Jer finally piece it together. Zabrina tells us in a confessional that Joe Jer's gut is always right. Which might have helped the first time, rather than having to take four attempts, I would think. They get the clue, as Antsy also finishes the rugby. Both teams read the clue and leave their respective tasks. We get another through-the-yacht shot of the Sky Tower.

Wayyyy back in Devonport, San wonders if they're looking for a book. Luckily, they're right outside a library, so they decide to check. Nothing doing. Sharon and Melody haven't seen the swing either. Inside the library, San walks around checking the children's books for one about a girl on a swing. As they leave without a clue, Fran resorts to death threats. ["Hey, those are my job!" -- WhoreBoy]

Techno music plays as the Super Marsio Bros. arrive in Or Clend. It continues as Cirran tells Howard to pretend they're hanging curtains. Heh. They get their handiwork checked, and it's wrong. The Super Marsio Bros. direct their cab to drive as close to the task as they can, because "[they] don't want to walk that much". I suspect it might be laziness as opposed to the few seconds they'll lose that motivated that request. They put on their jerseys and ask how the task works. Did they not read the clue? God, this is one of those episodes, isn't it? Back at the harbour, Howard title-quotes as he tightens the sail that "it's blowing like your mum's pants on a windy day". Only if your mum is anorexic and wearing maternity pants. They get their worked check again, and this time they're right. Clue! Howard is impressed with how quickly they got it done.

As he reads the part about the Sky Tower, we cut to not one, but three helicopter shots of it. Oooh! They cut back just in time for us to see Cirran's face fall as soon as he realises the next task involves heights.

Antsy arrive at the tower, as Handy and Laura start climbing. Admiral Whinypants realise Handy and Laura beat them, and is not happy. Oh, well. Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive next. Handy asks Laura whether Cirran will even attempt the task. He doesn't have a choice, does he? On cue, Howard is giving a half-arsed attempt to calm Cirran down. Well, not even half-arsed. It's more "hundredth-arsed". As some guy welcomes Zabrina and Joe Jer, Laura points out that the Super Marsio Bros. will have more trouble.

We cut to them at the rugby, where there is more bad kicking than in a D-grade martial arts film.

Sharon and Melody get onto a computer and try searching for the kid-on-a-swing. The computer is blurred, which is how you can tell they were using a search engine that didn't pay for a completely phony product placement. Meanwhile, Team Idiot stops at a [Shell] service station to ask, and the companies name IS featured, which is how you can tell they're about to pay for an episode. Sharon, Melody and SanFran are all still overthinking the clue. Another shot of the girl-on-a-swing.

At the Rugby Detour, the Super Marsio Bros. are still hopeless. Marsio figures he has a better chance, so he gets Mardy to make the smallest kick possible. Bad idea. It'll still take time to reset the balls (Sounds dirty! Isn't!), so you might as well use every chance you have. Marsio makes a decent kick, and almost Ralph Wiggum's that he's "learneding". The camera closes in on one of the rugby players, on the verge of laughter. After about 45 minutes of sheer suckitude, Marsio decides he's had enough, and wants to switch to the Rigging. I think this is one of only a handful of times where you've got different teams switching from both tasks. Cool.

Handy and Laura get the clue after their climb. They have to go down to the 53rd floor before they can read it. Handy asks the task people if they can "take ages unclipping the other people's" because "[they] need all the lead [they] can get", and Laura calls him "a sneak". She kisses him anyway.

Howard tries to reassure Cirran that the building they're expected to climb isn't the giant tower in front of them, but their cabbie decides to have a little fun at Cirran's expense and says it is. Dude, their cabbie rocks. They arrive at the tower, with Cirran once again saying he can't do it.

As they climb up, Admiral Whinypants baby-talks to a crying Syeon about whether she can do it. What? They haven't even really gotten that far, and she's already crying? Big baby!

Howard tells Cirran to cram it until they find out what they're doing. One of the people who run the climb does that passive-aggressive reassurance thing that annoys me so much.

Admiral Whinypants and Syeon make it out the top safely. It's just like giving birth, except you're coming out of a 300-metre-tall penis, and you're standing up when you finish. So not like birth at all. So it's more like conception, really. Man, between this and zorbing, New Zealand's got a very dirty mind. ["No, that's only you. And possibly WhoreBoy." -- EmoHunk]

Zabrina and Joe Jer climb, and Joe Jer tells us, basically, that the race makes you do crazy things like climbing up the inside of one of the world's tallest buildings. They finish and admire the view before walking around the roof to get the next clue.

Back down at the bottom of the tower, the guy compares this tower to the Sydney Harbour Bridge, except this one doesn't move and doesn't give you a fun view along the way. Also, this is more physical. And about three times as high. But aside from that, it's exactly the same! And trust a Kiwi to make Australia sound crappy. As long as he doesn't mock Melbourne, he's all right. Unsurprisingly, Cirran does not look convinced with the bridge comparison.

SanFran gets a woman to lead us to the girl-on-a-swing. They get the clue, 28 minutes and 18 seconds into the episode. Which only runs for about 45 minutes, without commercials. And there are still two teams left. God, what a brutal task. But let's be honest, it was also brutally fun. More tasks like this, please. They appear to choose Rigging. As they walk back to the ferry terminal, Fran whines about the money they spent on the taxi. Sharon and Melody see them at the ferry terminal, and yell out asking if they've seen the clue. No, they think the swing might be back in or Clend. Of course they've seen the clue! Why else would the be about to board the ferry again? Fran voices over that she ordered a pitying San not to tell anyone where the clue was. The girls are still looking as the ferry pulls in, and they find someone who knows what they're talking about, who points her in the general direction. So, 29 minutes and 38 seconds into the episode, they are the seventh team to find the girl-on-a-swing. Sharon and Melody hug the girl-on-a-swing. Who's still looking, I hear you ask? Why, Team Idiot, of course (Payoff, Part 20). They sound a little surprised to learn that they're the last ones to find her, 30 minutes and 5 seconds in (Payoff, Part 21). All three of these teams get onto the same ferry. Sharon vows to "focus on the next task", and Melody says she's learned not to "trust anybody". The ferry leaves.

Handy and Laura are walking down the stairs inside the Sky Tower, and are momentarily confused about which floor they were supposed to stop at. Inside the shaft, Admiral Whinypants confesses that he got "88 storeys" and "88 metres" confused. As you do. Admiral Whinypants accidentally steps on Syeon's hand. Again, as you do.

Downstairs, Cirran is freaking out again. Sigh.

Antsy is on the 55th floor, having somehow almost caught up with Handy and Laura, who are on the 53rd floor and are now allowed to open their clue. It's a RoadBlock. A RoadBlock is, as it has always been, a task that only one person can perform. WuWho turns up and tells us that whoever does it must "ascend to a platform of Level 53", which is impossible because they're already on that level, and complete the Sky Jump. Basically, it's a bungy jump, except without the part with all the springing back into the air. The platform is 192 metres above the ground, and whoever doesn't do the task has to take a photo with a [Polaroid] camera. We don't yet find out whether Handy or Laura will jump, but Admiral Whinypants is. Time-lapse clouds swoosh past the tower, as Laura rides the glass-bottomed elevator to the ground. A cute guy watches her. Out on the platform, Andy wonders whether a RoadBlock can magically be transformed into a second Detour. It looks very high, and the camera guys get a nice shot looking down.

Commercials. Man, why did I ever think Atie-Kay Olmes-Hay could act?

As is customary, the usual Will-They-Or-Won't-They act break is followed by a moment of They Will! Handy leaps from the tower, and is somehow still wearing his glasses when he lands. We see the photo of his jump that Laura took, but there's an AXN promo covering much of his body. So, to recap, there's the name of the camera used, a bad shot of the tower, and a promo for Alias. And not much else. Way to make another product placement look stupid, guys.

In the elevator, Cirran tries to chicken out again. He gets more reassurance from Howard and one of this week's stunt whores, and suddenly wants to climb up the ladder before Howard. Which makes sense, to me, in a weird sort of way. Because if Cirran goes first, then there's no way he can quit halfway up. As he begins, Cirran wonders why he's "doing this". He's not the only one. For someone with such a big fear of heights, he sure seems to have no problem with the tasks once he starts them. Cirran voices over his Sob Story of the Week, which basically involves getting stuck on a coconut tree. He says that ever since then, he's been afraid of not being able to get down from anything he climbs. Which, you'll note, has nothing to do with why he's crying here, and why he cried at the abseiling back in the first leg. Don't get me wrong, I'd feel sympathetic towards him if the reason for his fear had anything to do with the tasks, but they don't, so I won't. They make it to the top, and Cirran hugs the tower as he walks around. Literally.

Zabrina and Joe Jer are excitedly walking down the stairs.

On the ground, Syeon tells us that Admiral Whinypants is "afraid of heights, so he's going to get over his fear". Well, I'm sure one little jump can make up for an entire lifetime worth of being afraid, at least somewhere in the world. Andrew steps up to the edge. Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive on the 53rd floor, and are immediately in awe.

It's only now that Handy and Laura get to read the clue, which sends them to the Pit Stop, at the Auckland Museum. Time-lapse clouds fly behind WuWho and the museum as he explains that the museum shows off "New Zealand and its uniqueness". The last team to check in may be eliminated. In the event of a tie, the first team to return with full Maori facial tattoos remains in the race. The losers? Well, on the plus side, their trip to New Zealand really will be unforgettable. (Last week, I hear you ask? My sources are vague, but I hear whipped cream, blindfolds, and fluffy handcuffs were involved.) Back at the tower, Andy and Laura run up an escalator, telling people that they're in first place. Way to protect the show from spoilers.

Zabrina takes the RoadBlock. Andrew leaps from a bunch different angles. When he lands, Syeon shows the camera her own, not realising that the editors are adding in all the snapshots, in accordance with this week's theme of Camera Tricks Are Fun. Syeon tells Admiral Whinypants that Handy and Laura left "about five minutes ago". Apparently, five minutes is just enough time to get a cab, which Antsy also does without much difficulty.

At the marina, the Super Marsio Bros. have arrived. The guy literally tells them "put a sail on like that, put it up exactly like that". Heh. What informative instructions. Mardy reminds Marsio that they're in last place. Which they aren't, but go with it.

The teams who actually are in last place have just arrived back in Or Clend. They head off to their options, with the girls and SanFran going to the marina, while Team Idiot goes to the option that doesn't require much brainpower. Probably a wise move. San tries to tell Fran that they still have a chance, but Fran does not appear to be buying into it.

Another through-the-yacht shot for no reason. On top of the tower, Cirran is still firmly attached to the wall. He almost apologises to Or Clend for his fear, and makes his way around as Howard promises to do the RoadBlock. One of the stunt whores asks if Cirran looked at the view, and Cirran says that "[he]'ll see postcards". Ha!

More tense music picks up as Zabrina prepares to jump. On the ground, Joe Jer tells us she was happy she didn't have to jump, but is now afraid she's going to miss getting the photo on her [Kodak] camera. She jumps, and the shot is taken. When she gets to the ground, Zabrina exclaims how fun the task was. I'll bet, given the tightness of those harnesses, that this is the sort of task that women would enjoy more than men, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. They thank one of the stunt whores as she gives them the clue.

Howard and Cirran climb down to a platform but apparently still aren't finished. According to a display behind them, the wind's blowing at 32 kilometres per hour, it's currently 13 degrees Celsius, and there's four and a half degrees of wind chill.

Team Idiot puts on their rugby gear and Sahil asks Prashant to read the instructions (Payoff, Part 22). Sahil scores the first goal immediately. Meanwhile, SanFran arrive at the marina, with San happy to see the Super Marsio Bros., who reciprocate the happiness. Awww. In other news, Prashant sucks at kicking the ball. Sahil does not, sadly. Sharon and Melody arrive at the marina. Prashant misses again.

In their cab, Handy points out a building, hoping it's the Pit Stop. It is, and WuWho and the cool-looking Maori greeter are waiting. The greeter blows a conch shell as Handy and Laura run up. He does the now-standard bilingual greeting. Welcome, Handy and Laura, you are Team Number One. Hey, you know, with one little horizontal line, you could be seventh again! Antsy approaches in their cab, and the greeter blows again. The camera cuts to a helicopter shot of the museum, so I guess we're supposed to believe that the shell is really loud or something. Yeah, not buying it. I'm just surprised they didn't keep cutting out until we got to a satellite image of the world. Because you just know they had one ready to go. Kia ora, Antsy, you are Team Number Two.

At the marina, everyone remains confuzzled by the task. At the park, Sahil kicks Team Idiot's final goal. For some reason, Sharon and Melody are given detail instructions about how to finish the rigging, which I don't remember any of the other teams getting. But this is one of my favourite teams, so I don't mind. If this was, like, Team Idiot or Antsy? I'd be swearing up a storm right now. Team Idiot reads the clue.

Zabrina and Joe Jer share a congratulatory hug in their cab as they leave the Sky Tower. Inside, Howard and Cirran have finally gotten to the 53rd floor, and they're immediately bitching about the next task, despite (1) not knowing what it is, and (2) not knowing that it's a RoadBlock. Though how they couldn't tell for sure that it's a RoadBlock mystifies me, really. Cirran says that he was thinking, "you can take your game, and just... shove it somewhere! Because I'm not doing it." Which is entirely unnecessary, because he isn't even going to perform the RoadBlock, the little teaser hint for which is, "Who's ready for a leap of faith?” Howard snits that he's doing it because Cirran won't. Does he remember that he was the one crying like a little schoolgirl in the aquarium last week? Apparently not. Howard is on The List.

Back at the marina, the Super Marsio Bros. start raising their sail, while Fran runs around taking charge of the situation, and Sharon and Melody look flummoxed, even with the extra help they got.

Team Idiot arrives at the Sky Tower. They suit up, with one of the stunt whores calling Prashant "a giant". I love how even the locals are mocking these twits. Make me feel like I'm not alone. (You know what else makes me feel not alone? Comments. There, I said it.)

At the marina, SanFran are unable to tell which side of their sail is the inside and which is the outside. Sharon and Melody carry their sail onto their boat. Marsio whines that they won't allow themselves to be passed by the other teams.

Team Idiot leaves in the elevator for their climb, and the display shows that it's 4:56pm on May 29th, 2006. I can't ever remember the date being so obvious for the timeline geeks like myself. But, if I recall correctly, it doesn't match up to the spoilers, which had the Or Clend leg taking place on June 1st. Eh.

Zabrina and Joe Jer see the Pit Stop, and it looks like we get the shot of the building from a cab recycled from when Antsy arrived. The greeter blows and hellos, and the girls thank him. Kia ora, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are Team Number Three. The Horns Of Perseverence tootle.

At the base of the Sky Tower, Cirran tells us he's "petrified for [Howard]". Awww.

Inside the shaft, Sahil tells us he knows he can't fall, and Prashant reminds him that if he falls, he'll be falling on him. Oh, don't tempt me to start making homoerotic jokes. Please.

SanFran are slowly figuring out their boat, while the Super Marsio Bros. are told that their boat is "still incorrect". Sharon and Melody are also wrong. So are SanFran. They all screw up a bunch of times. SanFran says they should've done the Rugby. It's a little too late for should'ves now. And not just because the sun is setting.

Team Idiot is at the top of the climb. Sahil is also looking into the tower as he walks around. The get the clue, in fifth place.

Howard jumps. Cirran almost doesn't even realise. Heh. When Howard hears how freaked Cirran was, he wonders why, and says, "I just wanted water". BWAH! They read the Pit Stop clue, and leave in a taxi.

At the marina, there is more yacht-fiddling as Flo Is The Winner starts again, and the Super Marsio Bros. are the first team in this bunch to get their handiwork approved. SanFran also get it, with San doing his little Three Stooges cheer. Fran seems surprised that they are expected to do one of the most touristy extreme-sports activities in town, in a country renowned for them. Whatever. Fran wishes Sharon and Melody luck, and they're almost immediately finished. Woo!

Fran calls a cab, and asks for it not to stop for anyone else. As it turns out, it's a good move, because they do try. The Super Marsio Bros.' cab arrives next.

Back at the Sky Tower, Team Idiot reads the RoadBlock clue. Prashant is doing it, and they mug their selection to the camera. Ugh. Just fuck off already. Prashant switches jumpsuits and prays. WhoreBoy prays to a different God for a different result.

Museum. Blow, hello. Kia ora, Howard and Cirran, you're Team Number Four.

SanFran and the Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the tower. Inside, they find out in the presence of a camera crew that SanFran gets to climb first, and they leave. Sharon and Melody are outside. Marsio calls this their "last chance" to beat the girls, and this is my problem with having adventure sports tasks near the end of the leg. Imagine if this was first, and the teams did this before going out to the girl-on-a-swing. It'd make the Detour a lot more important than it ultimately was, and you'd get the bonus of a probable close finish, even though it'd almost certainly wind up with the same teams at the back of the pack. In other news, the temperature has dropped to 12.5 degrees. Outside the tower, Sahil promises to photograph Prashant "on a bad hair day". Well, duh. Prashant jumps, and because Sahil forgot to use the [Minolta] camera, he takes the photo as Prashant lands and is getting unharnessed. They read the clue.

Marsio and Mardy are assured that the little carabiners will hold their weight. Marsio even asks if it will hold a car. Because they're FAT, ha ha ha! Sigh. Inside the shaft, Fran realises how "breezy" is. Sharon asks if "two tall Indian boys" (also known as Team Idiot) have shown up as she and Melody put on their jumpsuits, and the stunt whore confirms that he has. Uh-oh.

Team Idiot gets a taxi.

It's now after dusk, and an excited SanFran finish the climb. Mardy and Marsio climb without much difficulty. Laura, wrong once again!

In their cab, Sahil babbles about how they rocked the tasks at the end of the leg (Payoff, Part 23), but Prashant says they "always screw up on the first one", complete with finger action (Payoff, Part 24).

The Super Marsio Bros. finish the climb, and a dizzy-looking Marsio calls the city "beautiful". Sharon and Melody make it up the shaft, apparently without even climbing. They too admire the view.

Blow, hello. Kia ora, Team Idiot. WuWho refuses to tell them of their position, deciding instead to rag on them for their rule-breaking (Payoff, Part 25). They get a one-hour time penalty, which seems a little lenient for what they did. That's, like, twenty minutes per hitchhike! Remember when the rule was "thirty minutes, plus the time you gained"? Sahil in particular looks shocked that they found out (Payoff, Part 26).

Commercials. Man, am I glad I'm recapping this version. Because the current American season is quite possibly the worst season ever. Which is a hard feat to top, given some of the efforts of the past.

Team Idiot looks pissed (Payoff, Part 27). Prashant whines that they "did not even realise that they could not hitch a ride" (Payoff, Part 28). He calls the penalty "harsh". It's, like, the smallest time penalty per infraction in the show's history! And Sharon and Melody told you that you couldn't hitchhike! And it was in the rules! And Sahil mentioned that it was forbidden back in the first leg! Boy, if only someone could write something showing how badly you suck, and call it something like "Foreshadowing And Payoff In 32 Easy Parts", and we can all wonder at your magnificent stupidity. Oh, hey, I just did! What a couple of fuckwits.

SanFran swing down the stairs to the RoadBlock, and Fran takes it even though San wants to. Fran says that San "was like a child that had his little red fire engine taken away from him". Eh. San really seems to me like he would have been more of a Tonka-truck-and-Matchbox-car person growing up. Mardy also takes it. A boom mike gets in the shot as SanFran share a good-luck kiss. Marsio tells one of the stunt whores the reason he's not doing it is because he's "a good photographer", and Mardy laughingly calls him out on it. Sharon and Melody read the hint in a voiceover, over a shot of them standing next to the weatherboard (current temperature? 12.3 degrees). Fran jumps and yells out that San better be taking the photo. He is, but she doesn't end up in the picture. Heh. Sharon puts on the Sky Jumpsuit (tm EmoHunk), as one of the stunt whores tells Mardy that he doesn't care what happens, as long as Mardy falls almost two hundred metres. Not in so many words, of course.

SanFran reads the Pit Stop clue.

Mardy tells us he didn't have a choice because Sharon was behind him, and the penalty for quitting was too big. Marsio watches with interest as his brother jumps. Mardy calls it "one of the scariest jumps [he's] ever made in [his] life". Aside from that time he jumped over a really vicious-looking puddle. Marsio's good photography skills result in a photo of Mardy's feet and butt. Heh. They read the Pit Stop clue, and it's really noticeable here how much weight Mardy has lost. Remember at the start, how they had very similar body shapes? Now, it's almost like looking at the before-and-after shots of Biggest Loser contestants. Sharon jumps, cheering for the camera as she lands. Awesomely, as they read the Pit Stop clue, Sharon starts telling Melody to leave literally as soon as she finishes the final word. It's about time someone in last place actually started racing like they were trying to get out of it.

Pit Stop. The greeter blows once more. Kia ora, SanFran, you are, despite what WuWho says, Team Number Five.

In their cab, Sharon explains that she was hoping someone else quit a task or got lost or something. Well, she should know that was the case, because she herself told Team Idiot that they were breaking the rules.

Pit Stop. There is no greeting, but the Super Marsio Bros. are Team Number Sivin (Uh, Seven). By which WuWho actually means: Kia ora, Super Marsio Bros., you are Team Number Sex. (Uh, Six.) Marsio tells WuWho how proud he is of Mardy for jumping, and it sounds like Marsio was the one who really wanted to race, but Mardy is just there for the numbers.

The conch shell blows one final time. Sad tinkly music plays as Sharon and Melody walk up. They are crying as WuWho tells them they're the last team to arrive. WuWho explains the penalty situation to them, and the editors cut directly to Team Idiot. And it turns out that their tiny penalty was still large enough to push them into last place. So Sharon and Melody are Team Number Sivin (Uh, Seven.) They are deliriously happy.

Team Idiot is not as happy, and WuWho looks downright annoyed that he's had to wait out in the cold for this long. Even the greeter got to go home! Or perhaps he had Team Idiot in the office sweep. Team Idiot, you were idiots, and now you're eliminated idiots. Sahil voices over as they walk off the mat that they got eliminated by something they didn't know. Yeah, well, so did the Nazis. He says that they would have beaten them on merit. Out of the four Detours you completed, you fucked up two of them -- the batik in the first leg, and the prawns last week -- so badly you had to start over, and Prashant was completely useless at the Detour this time. And the other Detour involved just sitting on a boat and rowing. Nitwits. Prashant tells us that the were "the biggest threat" to the other teams, and that they "must be having a party right now, and they are rejoicing the fact that we are out." Yes, and I know I'm also having a party in my mind right now, but it's not because you were threats. It's because you were a pair of arrogant, delusional tools who had no idea about the race, thought you were above the rules, and were only there to further your own careers. Hilariously, their final shot is of them being driven off, sitting in the back seat of a car like a pair of caught movie criminals. FUCK OFF.

Man, that was a great episode.

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. Country producer? Fiona McInerney. Once again the Pit Stop hotel is not thanked. Damn seventeen-dollar minibar Snickerses!

Next week: There is a muddy, muddy quadbike race. After the result of this leg, WuWho sends the police out when Andy breaks the rule. Apparently, he doesn't want a repeat of Idiotgate. Zabrina and Joe Jer are gleeful at this development. There is bungy jumping, from a place that has been on this show before. God, didn't we already do the big jumpy task?

1x04: Sydney, Australia

2009-10-18T16:45:00.001-07:00

It's Sydney, and as you'd expect, the bridge and the Opera House both make an appearance. Sigh. But at least this is my 25th published recap, so there's that to celebrate.

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Previously on Oh, Yes, There Will Be Crud: Way back in 2007, when I was still in high school (lots of memories, not many of them great), someone on Television Without Pity bitched and moaned about one particular episode of The X-Files not being recapped, even though the show had finished five years earlier. The idea took off, and soon aaaaall the kids were doing it. Except, you know, the ones who had something resembling a life. Once the project died a sudden and unexpected death, like the one Kyle Sandilands is well and truly due for at this stage, I branched out into recapping other shows with the experience those three recaps had provided me. First stop, as you would expect when you're trying to find something worth mocking, was the Australian version of Survivor. Over the course of fourteen recaps, seventy-six Youtube videos, and around about 110,000 words, we wound up knowing a couple of things. Firstly, I have no life. Aside from that: Kadina were adorably incompetent, and Tipara was filled with dicks, the biggest one of which we never got to see on camera. Bee stings are hilarious, even when they happen to people you like. I am wayyy too invested in reality television for anyone's good, least of all my own. All those "do a crappy physical thing, then solve the lame-ass puzzle" challenges that keep turning up on the American version were our fault. Link might have been bland, but at least he's better than Eddie McGuire. Oh, and I am apparently some sort of harbinger of death. So choke on that, Sandilands. Five Amazing Race Asia recaps taught me nothing at all, but did at least give me a chance to mock funny, Rose Porteous-like accents. One Mole recap was more than enough for now, because you really have to ration the unfathomable awesomeness of a few of those contestants. (And Petrina is still the Mole.) One episode of Celebrity Survivor convinced me that if I ever write an autobiography, it will be called "Are You There, God? It's Me, The Recapper". And now you're up to date, just in time for the X-Files project to be rebooted. May we all bask in the hotness that is Alex Krycek, and all forget the aborted recap in which I mentioned Michael Jackson and drug abuse in the same sentence. Twenty-four recaps, people. This is number twenty-five. Let's hope it's a good one, y'all.

...Oh, you mean on the show? The nine teams flew to Bali, famous for its tropical beaches, where a digging RoadBlock gave new meaning to the words "epic fail". Monkeys and elephants beckoned the next morning, but Aubrey and Jacqueline decided to pretty much do everything except race, and were deservedly eliminated. Eight teams are left. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. Sing along with them, why don't you? "Twen-ty! Five! Knob's no lon-ger a-live! Was time for him! To! Go! Now it's King Ky-le's show! Dy-ing time! And so I'm ma-king rhymes! He'll cark it! When! I come... up with... the right... way to... make it... hap-pen! Fast! Will I need! A! Wea-pon! Yes! He'll Die! [THUD.]"

Look, it's Bali. It's still in Indonesia, just like it was in the previous episode, and God is still shining plenty of sun down on the place for getting rid of the Portable Posse so he could go and make popcorn for this episode instead. (He refuses to acknowledge the existence or involvement of Buddha for some reason.) At the Tanah Lot Temple, where our last thrilling installment ended, the ever-robotic WuWho explains that the teams are about to leave -- you guessed it -- twelve hours after they arrived. Or sixteen, if you decided to not race and took the penalty instead.

Howard and Cirran did not, and will leave at 12:31am. Despite the giant stage light above them flaring the camera, Cirran holds a flashlight over the clue as Howard reads it. They are told to fly to Sydney, Australia. You may have heard of it. In case you haven't, WuWho explains that Sydney is the biggest and oldest city in the nation. Oldest? Sure. Biggest? Hell, no! Melbourne's a much larger city, area-wise. In other news, I wonder which harbour this city is supposedly based around, and how they travel around it. Because I've certainly never seen anything about any famous bridges on Sydney's harbour before.

Oh, look, bridge. It only took them nine seconds. Opera house, too. The next clue's even going to be right beneath the bridge. Shut up, show.

Leaving the mat, Howard and Cirran take the chance to tell us how much they just loooooove Australia, and a confessional shows them saying that finishing first has given them an extra push to succeed. I'm sure we'll be seeing both of these come to fruition, aren't you?

Second to depart, instead of their usual last, SanFran leave at 12:55am, and we learn teams have to buy their tickets before they get to the airport. Fran confessionals that anything can happen at any time. Just in case you thought nothing could ever happen at any time. If you thought this, go back to watching Big Brother, because we don't want you.

Howard and Cirran have decided to visit the travel agent mentioned in the clue, while SanFran borrow their cabbie's mobile phone. As it turns out, Cirran is given the skinny that nobody's getting out of Bali today. Oh, good. They can go back to Kuta Beach and spend another few hours moving all that sand back into place. Howard remarks that the travel agents "have very unhappy customers", which as we all know will help them get better flights. SanFran arrive at the travel agents and begin booking.

1:56am. Hi, Sharon and Melody! Sharon, usually attached at the hip to her Lee Lin Chin Clue Enunciation voice, makes a rare blunder, calling their next location something along the lines of "Duh Wees Point". But since she's utterly adorable, and since it's only Sydney, I really don't care. They express their joy over going to Sydney as they walk away from the mat. As they strategise in their cab, SanFran leave the travel agent. It looks as though Howard and Cirran have also left at some point, because the office is empty when the girls arrive. Sharon confessionals that she's learned how capable she is of doing things without sleep, and how supportive Melody is of her, while Melody gives her a "Shut up, woman!" embarrassed look. Heh. In the travel agents, they learn that this morning's flight is fully booked. Surely there's more than one daily flight between Bali and Australia, though.

At the airport, Howard and Cirran learn from the information screens that there's a flight to Melbourne. Shoutout! They and SanFran soon realise that it's going to leave in a touch under 25 minutes. (Interestingly, we are shown the screen, and there isn't a single flight to Sydney listed.) While a random security guard-looking guy checks to see whether these teams can make it onto the Melbourne flight, Howard and Fran complain about not being able to remember that flying to Melbourne might be an advantage. Melbourne gives them the finger, one they both thoroughly deserve. Howard provides us a little explanation here, telling us that the main reason they're not sure if they'll be able to get on is because the flight was originally supposed to have left four hours ago, and is delayed. A Qantas plane is shown, because the airline sponsors of this show want it made perfectly clear that their flights are never ever delayed. Or something.

The answer is no. Cirran is begging, everyone else is whining. Yawn. Fran hears a boarding call for the flight itself, and uses it as an excuse to whine some more.

At 2:06am, Team Idiot depart, helpfully reminding us that as annoying as Fran can get, it can be even worse. Sahil also calls it Duh Wees Point, and it's officially no longer endearing, even if it is Sydney. Prashant says that their strategy is going to be to read the clues carefully, and that's totally going to pay off down the track, believe me. Also, he can start by pronouncing the fucking place name correctly. Dawes Point isn't even a hard one. Wait until they get a clue directing them to Woolloomooloo or Tangambalanga or Lake Cadibarrawirracanna. Probably not Tittybong, though, because that's pronounced exactly as it looks.

Airport. SanFran talk over each other as they explain that they could have made the Melbourne flight if they'd got there ten minutes earlier. Fran wonders aloud if her chances of getting on the flight would have improved if she'd started crying on cue. Heh.

Team Idiot arrives at the travel agent, where Sharon and Melody are booking their tickets. Sharon has the right idea here -- get on a fairly decent flight as soon as possible, and then keep looking for better options. Meanwhile, Sahil has exactly the wrong idea -- when the guy tells you he can't make a booking, don't demand to use the phone to make the booking yourself. Dude, it's only his job to help you. If he says he can't? He probably can't. Either that, or you guys are just being twats.

Please, Zabrina and Joe Jer, 4:30am is wayyy too early for squeeing. Especially about Sydney. Joe Jer, unlike everyone else, wonders how exactly she's supposed to pronounce Dawes Point, but still gets it right. Zabrina confessionals that the race comes down to how you deal with two things -- the physical aspect, and luck. She thinks you can deal with luck, because everyone has that, but you can't deal with your own team's lack of physical prowess compared to the others. I get the feeling she's trying to say something along the lines of "we're women, so we're obviously not going to be as strong as the teams with men", but she's trying to say it without thinking "we're the underdogs", because she knows that as soon as you think that about yourselves, it's already too late to win. And more power to her. A flight leaving from Singapore tomorrow morning is too late for the girls, so they get the person they've called from their cab to try and do their job a bit better.

5:11am. The Super Marsio Bros., once again not wearing matching plumber outfits, leave.

For some reason, my version of the episode fucks up here, so we're skipping ahead about thirty seconds here. Stupid internet.

When we return, Antsy are the last team to leave, with their all-important $165, and they're doing so at 5:55am. So, in essence, we're missing out on Andy and Laura leaving, and the boring footage of them talking about luck that inevitably follows them leaving. Oh, thank God. Syeon tells us that she and Admiral Whinypants met in Australia, in a little town called Jindabyne. Now, why couldn't we have forced Sahil and Prashant to try and pronounce that?

In an incredibly well-edited internet cafe sequence, which still manages to be incredibly dull, we (as well as Zabrina and Joe Jer, Andy and Laura, and the Super Marsio Bros.) learn that the teams will have to fly through Singapore, because they missed the morning flights out to Australia. Zabrina tells us that she thinks "everyone's getting a bit paranoid". Yes, because WuWho really does give off serial killer vibes, doesn't he? Lulls you in with a false sense of security, and then BAM!

Turns out I didn't miss Andy whining about luck. Shut up, Andy.

Cirran also whines about everyone being on a level playing field again. Shut up, Cirran. This happens pretty much every week now. You should know to expect it.

The Amazing Map, Amazing Yellow Line, and Amazing Graphically-Inserted Plane show us the route from Denpasar, Bali to Singapore. I wonder why they can't have a little tiny cartoon plane flying at the front of the Amazing Yellow Line to further belabor the point.

At the Singapore airport, Andy and Laura hide all of the maps in the bookshop. Because that will work. If the layover is long enough for you to hide the maps, it's long enough for the other teams to find them. Laura points out that they'll have to go to every bookshop in the entire airport to stop the other teams from buying maps. I'm confused. Why can't they print a map off from the internet? Why couldn't they buy a map in Bali? Why couldn't they just go without, especially since you already know you'll be travelling by taxi for at least some of your time in Sydney? Idiots.

Also idiots? The Super Marsio Bros., who are again spending some of their small budget using a foot massager.

The Map, Line, and Plane are back to show us how to get from Singapore to Sydney. For some reason, the plane shot is off the wheels taxiing along a runway, which makes me hope everyone here can breathe underwater, because that would have been a long, slow flight.

In an incredibly fake looking shot, everyone tears out of the airport, and Joe Jer falls over. Limping, she immediately gets back up and resumes hobbling towards the taxis. In fact, everyone gets to the taxis, and we learn the teams have arrived before dawn. Inside their cab, Zabrina tries to sort out Joe Jer's injury, which she chalks up to Team Idiot being too dumb to know how strong they really are. Of course, Sahil is in his cab commenting on how it was "pretty funny" that "someone" fell over. Ugh. This isn't Funniest Home Videos, you know. Team Idiot and Andy and Laura both wonder who it was that fell over. Prashant thinks it was "a girl". Right. Because that makes it funny.

Team Idiot decides to ask their driver where he's from, and do not seem disappointed to learn he's from Pakistan. Now, you may be aware that India and Pakistan aren't exactly friendly. In any event, it appears that Team Idiot is not. While the other two all-male teams both complain about being in last place, Team Idiot realise they speak the same language as their driver, so they're "communicating". Ah, yes. English is such an obscure and rarely-spoken language. They think it'll give them an advantage.

...Apparently not, given the very next thing we see is their driver getting them lost. Prashant blames the driver for misunderstanding his very thick accent and trying to take them to "Dolls Point" instead of Dawes Point. I'm taking it as a less than subtle jab that the editors feel that both Sahil and Prashant need to be subtitled here.

SanFran and Andy and Laura approach the actual, factual Dawes Point. Andy and Laura reach the cluebox, and it's worth noting that their "Currently in 1st Place" graphic is obscured by a scrolling trivia question, while the Opera House in the background is much easier to see. Because, you know, you just have to be reminded that you're in Sydney. The clue is a Detour.

As always, a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. This time, the two choices are named "Elevation" and "Crustacean", which really shouldn't crack me up, but does anyway. WuWho introduces the Detour from in the shade of the bridge, because it's Sydney, and they kick you out if you don't use the bridge enough in your show. In Elevation, you climb the bridge. That's it. Not exactly the most original task idea they could have come up with for a city like Sydney. For Crustacean, you walk to a restaurant and throw another shrimp on the barbie. Aside from the fact that they're actually prawns. And you have to peel them. And there's fourteen kilograms of them. And no barbie. So, really, not so much like putting another shrimp on the barbie at all. Whichever option you do, you have to walk to. The pros and cons for each task are apparently so obvious that WuWho does not feel a need to mention them.

Andy and Laura decide that they want to "do the bridge" in spite of an injury Laura has apparently gotten to her leg. I wonder how she got the injury, since we haven't been shown. Huh.

Team Idiot is on their way back to the airport. Sydney, as well as Australia as a whole, could not possibly be happier at this news.

Antsy arrive at Dawes Point and choose the prawns. Meanwhile, Andy and Laura discover, as you always do right before a commercial break, that disaster has struck. This time, their cab driver has driven off with their bags.

Commercials! Rather than use this bit to point out that some random D-lister is too hot for his own safety, I'm going to use this, and all the commercial breaks in this episode, as a place to relive some of the more interesting things I've said over the past 24 and-a-bit recaps. So, from Episode 9 of Australian Survivor... "Even when he's being a bitch about someone, he's still willing to compliment them. That's the first sign I've seen that it would never work between Craig and me."

We return to see Andy blame their inability to grab their bags out of their cab the first time as their karmic smackdown for arriving at Dawes Point first. Sigh. Shut up, Andy.

Other teams are still looking for the cluebox. But they are not as important as the ongoing saga of Andy Whining, so back we go. They've found their cab, but the driver doesn't want to give them their bags or something, so they have to resort to yelling at him in an attempt to get him to move faster. I'd like to tell him to shut his trap some more, but, frankly, I'd be yelling too here.

The Super Marsio Bros. arrive in 3rd place, and take a second to admire the view before SanFran arrive. The brothers choose to climb the bridge, while SanFran choose to peel the prawns, which is pretty much exactly the opposite I would have predicted from both teams. Howard and Cirran are still lost, but at least are now close enough to have ditched their taxi. The other teams continue walking to their options, while Sharon and Melody arrive at Dawes Point. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's up the bridge they go.

Fran reads the additional info for the prawns as they run, while the Super Marsio Bros. read it in their cab. Both are incredulous at how much fourteen kilograms is, but Fran also explains that they have to take away the head, tail, and the hard shell, leaving that delicious soft-ish prawn centre.

As Antsy arrive at an unmarked door, the Super Marsio Bros. realise that they have to walk, and direct their driver back.

Antsy's unmarked door has turned out to be the one for the restaurant, so either they entered through the staff entrance, or that place needs some serious renovation. They will be shelling these prawns outside on what looks like they're the restaurant's actual tables, which can't possibly be safe. Syeon continues to overthink how they should do the task. Hey! Overthinking things is my job!

In the meantime, the other teams continue searching for where they're going. Zabrina and Joe Jer are next to arrive at Dawes Point, and hilariously don't seem to know what "one of Sydney's most famous landmarks" could be, even though the bridge is taking up literally the entire background of the shot, and doesn't look to be more than a hundred metres away. Bwah! Obviously, they choose the prawns.

Restaurant Of Softcore Prawn. Fran thinks that the teams are going to be here for "45 hours", because they aren't professional prawn peelers. I wonder if she knows she's allowed to change Detour options, if she's that pessimistic about how long it could take. Just a little trick some teams have tried in the past.

Howard and Cirran finally arrive at Dawes Point. They are surprised to learn that not only one, but six, of their rival teams have already been. Surprisingly, given Cirran's already-seen fear of heights, they choose Elevation. Do they not remember what happened at the rappel? It was only three whole episodes ago.

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Andy snarks that Laura's bullshitting about being afraid of heights. Of course, if she was still scared, anyway, he'd probably be blaming it on their bad luck somehow.

Team Idiot finally arrives at Dawes Point, in last place. Guess speaking the same language really was an advantage, huh?

At the start of the bridge climb, Sharon and Melody are given their safety briefing. It's totally worth listening to, if you plan on illegally climbing your own city's harbour bridge one day.

Team Idiot choose the prawns, as do the Super Marsio Bros., who are switching from the bridge because their um widdle weggies are hurting. They confessional that they love eating prawns, so they thought the task would be easier for them. Apparently, they didn't take the time to think which would be easier when they actually needed to decide which was easier. Sigh.

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Sharon or Melody voices over that everyone's getting stronger and more determined to win. Which is good, because it might actually make the race feel more competitive than it has been up until this point.

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive at the restaurant. They are shocked to learn that they have to peel an entire, fourteen-kilogram box of prawns, because they misread the clue and thought they only had to do fourteen prawns in total. Heh. Not a good week for reading the clue, is it? Eventually, they decide to go and try the bridge, because they think it'll be quicker. I'm not sure this is the right move, to be honest -- the bridge looks to be a fair distance away at this point, and the time you'd lose by having to walk all the way over would probably nullify all the time you'd gain by switching tasks. Not to mention they've already started peeling prawns.

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Sharon and Melody decide to make like Titanic, apparently not remembering that the bridge is not a boat.

Team Idiot sees the Super Marsio Bros. on the way to the restaurant, and tries to outrun them. The Super Marsio Bros. still win. Sahil and Marsio watch the demonstration, and Sahil notably tries to simplify the process.

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Howard confessionals that the only reason they did the bridge is because Cirran had done it before. Because, as you know, the only way to confront a fear of heights is to do something twice.

Restaurant of Softcore Prawn. Marsio points out that fourteen kilograms isn't exactly going to go quickly, and Mardy tells him to shut up and peel. He does not shut up, and Mardy says something along the lines of "My God, I can't take you anywhere, can I?". Heh. Prashant tells Sahil to stop bitching about being last. Such wonderful individuals.

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Sharon and Melody see Howard and Cirran coming up the other side of the bridge, and yell out to them. Heh. Cirran confessionals that there were some "freaky moments", like "climbing up and down steps". Damn steps. Howard admires the view.

Restaurant of Softcore Prawn, and no, that name will never not be funny. Team Idiot explains that they've somehow cut down a three-step process -- head, tail, and shell -- into two steps. The Super Marsio Bros. ask how long this would normally take, and the chef tells them that his "guys do it in 45 minutes".

Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer. Zabrina tells us she didn't want to look down, so she just looked at the steps. Because, as you know, steps are in exactly the opposite direction of "down".

Restaurant of Softcore Prawn. Mardy complains that his hands are getting numb because the prawns are so cold. Fran is astonished to be able to feel the tips of her fingers again. That can't be a good sign. Antsy confessional about how the task was slow, and how they always pick the slower option. Because, as you know, teams have no choice about which task they perform at a Detour. Shut up, Antsy.

Andy and Laura, now back in their normal clothes (as opposed to the grey bridge-climbing jumpsuit), get their clue back down at the bridge climb headquarters. It tells them to make their way on foot to Mrs. Macquarie's Chair. Honestly, Andy. You're British. Macquarie isn't a hard word to pronounce. (Still, I suppose we should be thankful nobody decided to pronounce the city's name like it was "Cindy".) Essentially, it's this season's Clue At Somewhere Carved Out Of Rock. Interestingly, here's where the Detour really becomes interesting. Since they have to walk from their Detour options, you'd assume the Bridge Of Sydney Has Nothing Else To Offer and the Restaurant of Softcore Prawn are roughly the same distance away, right? Wrong. Basically, not only is the restaurant much closer, it's also on the way if you're walking from the bridge climb. So, you know, that's a nice trade-off for taking the slower Detour option. Hmmm.

...I have nothing snarky to say about that. I just thought it was interesting.

Andy and Laura instantly run for a cab. Sharon and Melody are now reading the clue to remind us of what it says, which is helpful, because the next thing we see they are taking their bags out of the cab. I'm beginning to think I named the wrong team Team Idiot. (...Nah, it'll pass.) Howard and Cirran and Zabrina and Joe Jer also get the clue in short order, with the girls in the background as Howard and Cirran read theirs. Guess they didn't lose so much time with the prawns after all.

In fifth place, Antsy are now just finishing the prawns. Syeon seems to think she knows where it is.

Sharon and Melody are walking.

Restaurant Of Softcore Prawn. Fran realises that she and San don't have much left to do before they're finished.

Here is by far the most hilarious single shot of this entire episode. Essentially, it's just Sharon and Melody walking across the screen. But what makes it so funny is that the shot's right in front of the Opera House, and Sharon and Melody are singing a little... well, melody. It's not even a recognisable song, it's just lalalalalala-ing, and it just looks like even the editors are trying to say something like, "Sydney has an Opera House. Got it? Moving on." Hee!

For some reason, Andy and Laura are walking down a city street.

SanFran finally finish peeling. It appears the checking process consists of nothing more than shaking the box of peeled prawns a few times. Heh. Fran also mispronounces "Macquarie". Gah. The Super Marsio Bros. are also done.

Everyone is walking and asking for directions. Mardy is also taking the time to admire the view. I like him for noticing this, but: Mate, there's a time for sightseeing and a time for racing. This is the time for racing. Note, Melody, it's not a time for stepping in dog poo either.

Team Idiot are still back at the Restaurant Of Softcore Prawn, and are currently being told they'll have to redo it, because the shell didn't peel off of some of their prawns. We get a slo-mo reaction shot of them learning this.

Commercials. From the "previously on" bit at the start of the TAR Asia episode 2 recap: 'Kuala Lumpur has a lot of tall buildings. One of these buildings forced Cirran to step over the edge. In a surprising move, the producers decided ropes would add to the drama rather than detract from it, which is probably a good move, because twenty spontaneous funerals would have been very expensive.'

The chef tells them they sucked so bad that they've still got a lot of work to do, and Sahil bitches that he doesn't care, because he doesn't have to be a professional prawn peeler. When you're in a race, and you have to do it with a degree of competence to move on? You sort of do. Shut up, Sahil.

Sharon and Melody are at the chair, and read the clue, in first place for the first time. Go, girls! They have to find a [Sega] store, at the World Square Shopping Centre. I thought we settled the debate about the world being round about five hundred years ago, but apparently not. When they arrive at the store, they'll be handed a video camera and must find someone one the street who will sing Click Go The Shears for them. Then, they take the camera back to the store, and it'll be played on a giant product-placed television screen. If their person sang the right song, they'll be given the next clue. I am curious about why Click Go The Shears was chosen -- it's a recognisable song, sure, but it's not exactly recognisable to the point where you could find someone on the street who knows it. Granted, Melbourne and Sydney probably have different tastes in music, but surely there would have been better songs to choose. Waltzing Matilda? You're The Voice? Khe Sanh, with its Asian-history tie-in? I Still Call Australia Home? (Actually, the entire Peter Allen back-catalogue would have worked. Imagine an I Go To Rio singalong, complete with Team Idiot on maracas. Hee.)

Andy and Laura arrive second, just in time for the recording to fuck up again. We rejoin the action right as Antsy arrive, in fourth place. They, Zabrina and Joe Jer (in 5th) and SanFran (in 6th) all read the clue.

Team Idiot is finally done with their prawns. Now they can resume stinking up the rest of Sydney. Unfortunately, they're going to have to keep stinking it up in last place, because the Super Marsio Bros. are now arriving at Mrs. Macquarie's Chair, in seventh. (Obviously, Howard and Cirran must have arrived there during the glitch.)

The lead group of teams, indeed including Howard and Cirran, are now at the shopping centre. Sharon and Melody are first to arrive, and get shown how to use their camera by a cute guy who may or may not be Asian himself. It's sort of hard to tell. It's not so hard to tell where the store is, because it appears to be the only one open. Andy and Laura arrive and get their camera. So do Howard and Cirran.

Andy and Laura find some random in the shopping centre itself who knows the song. It appears teams get the lyrics anyway, but the locals still have to know the basic tune. For some reason, Howard and Cirran have apparently decided that the person most likely to know a song written in the 19th century is a teenage punk with a gigantic mohawk. Luckily for them, Mohawk Guy's comparatively-normal-looking friend does know the song, even if she still has green hair.

Antsy arrive at the shopping centre. Team Idiot is lost again. Try to look surprised.

Howard and Cirran return to the store, and Mohawk Guy's friend was singing the right song -- and doing a pretty good job of it, I might add, compared to the other people we'll hear in this episode. The next clue directs teams to travel "by ferry to Manly", where "dangerous Australian animals" will point the way to the next clue. WuWho adds nothing to the episode, as per usual, aside from the little bit of insider information that they're headed to OceanWorld.

Antsy are having trouble getting people to sing for them. Andy and Laura are not, now that they've gotten their Manly ferry clue. Sharon and Melody's people were officially singing "the wrong tune", which would be a bit easier to believe if they were singing a tune to begin with.

Sahil and Prashant's accent is annoying locals again. Sigh.

Sharon, who thinks she knows the song herself, has decided to see if she can get randoms to sing along with her, almost as if she was a Grade 2 teacher trying to teach a bunch of snot-nosed little runts about echoes.

Howard thinks he and Cirran are in "third or fourth". Zabrina and Joe Jer have arrived at the store, just in time to see Antsy get their clue. SanFran arrive. Sharon and Melody get the clue. Zabrina and Joe Jer barely even have to leave the store to find their singers, who are so good they soon get the clue. SanFran don't even leave the store, which really makes a mockery of the "find someone on the street" part of the task.

Admiral Whinypants whines about Zabrina and Joe Jer being right behind them as they were leaving, and Syeon apparently did not notice.

Unlike many teams throughout this race's long and illustrious history, the Super Marsio Bros. do not take even the slightest bit of offence to Zabrina and Joe Jer poaching their cab. Good for them.

Team Idiot is finally on their way to the shopping centre. SanFran will have to leave the store after all, because their person sang the wrong tune.

Howard and Cirran are trying to locate their ferry. As it turns out, they'll have to wait for fifteen minutes, so there's a chance the others are going to catch up.

SanFran's lady is singing again, and this time she's right next to the judges. Now, that's just cheating. The Super Marsio Bros. arrive.

Andy and Laura make it to the ferry terminal.

Mardy comes up with the brilliant idea to claim that they're from [Nintendo] and are "road-testing" the camera.

SanFran get the clue. See, here's the thing. This task is a great idea. Really. But having to recap it eight times is just making me want to wish bad things upon whoever designed it anyway.

Zabrina and Joe Jer are in their cab, trying to figure out what exactly these "dangerous Australian animals" could be. Zabrina thinks they might be seagulls. Yes, seagulls. We cut to a shot of a seagull looking entirely not threatening, because the editors of this show rock. After a brief interlude with some of the other teams in which absolutely nothing of any real importance happens, we return to see Zabrina trying to justify the seagull comment by claiming that there are "millions" of seagulls on Manly Beach. Is Manly Beach really this well known up in Malaysia? I always thought Bondi Beach was the one that got all the publicity. Or so the Australian media would have me believe. Shut up, Australian media.

Antsy and Sharon and Melody get to the ferry terminal, while SanFran get a taxi. SanFran point out that the Super Marsio Bros. aren't very far behind, because their video was being watched as they left. Unfortunately, it's the wrong song, and they'll have to redo it. It might have helped them to check out the basic accent of the guy they got to sing to make sure he wasn't British before they recorded. Suddenly, they're outside, and a jovial older couple is singing the song with more enthusiasm than pretty much anyone we've seen so far.

SanFran's taxi driver has decided to drive them to Manly rather than take them to the ferry terminal. Fran says, "Oh, no!" Cue commercial break.

Commercials. From my very first recap, for a first-season X-Files episode called Fire: 'She says goodbye to Scully, who returns this with the ever-popular "I-don't-really-like-you-but-I'm-doing-this-so-you-get-the-fuck-out-now-instead-of-pestering-my-partner-to-tell-me-to-be-polite" wave. Gotta love it.'

When we return, Fran confessionals that they probably wouldn't have known they were fucking up if their driver hadn't decided to take them across the bridge. What's the problem? There's a ferry dock on the other side that would get you to Manly.

Zabrina and Joe Jer buy their ferry tickets.

The Super Marsio Bros. get the clue, and compliment the song. As you do. They and SanFran soon get their ferry tickets, but have apparently missed the first ferry, which houses the first five teams.

Team Idiot arrives at the store.

SanFran and the Super Marsio Bros. both buy new tickets for a second ferry, which is an express one and should overtake the first ferry on the way to Manly. You know, a lot of this is their good luck that they managed to just miss the first ferry, forcing them to find this, but I have to also blame the other teams for not bothering to check something like this. It's not like they were all rushing to make it.

Team Idiot are recording an old guy singing, and seem to think that cheering in the middle of the song and clapping their hands out of time with the beat will help make the tune more recognisable.

The Super Marsio Bros. point out the other ferry as they pass it. Zabrina confessionals that they thought they couldn't take the express Jetcat ferry because it wasn't called a ferry on the sign. Huh. It's not like people to pay attention to small details like this on this show. Hell, one time a couple of teams even passed off a rental van as a bus without penalty (and I am still bitter about that, Wil, even though it happened almost eight years ago now). In many cases, the idea of following the clue to the letter makes perfect sense, but this really isn't one of them. This is like having a leg in New York with a clue telling the teams to "Travel by subway..." and then spending three hours on the platform waiting for an actual subway to stop instead of a normal train.

We lose another thirty seconds or so here, returning to see Team Idiot's video getting approved.

The Super Marsio Bros. and SanFran, having apparently disembarked from their ferry during the latest glitch, are looking for where they're meant to be going. San thinks alligators are Australian animals. They find a sign for OceanWorld, as some old guy badgers the Super Marsio Bros.

Team Idiot boards their ferry.

We see the words "Dangerous Australian Animals" painted on the facade of OceanWorld as SanFran run up. You know, this really is a brilliant clue -- it's pretty much impossible to figure out before you get off the ferry, but once you do, it's entirely obvious if you pay enough attention. More clues like this, show.

For some reason, there are eight Yield numbers on the cluebox, even though this is a RoadBlock. If you're new to this show (in which case, you picked a great episode to join us with, and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?), a RoadBlock is a task that only one team member can perform. They get a little hint to help them decide who does the task, but don't get told what it is until they've chosen. This time, the teaser is "Who wants to take the plunge with a nurse?" Fran thinks it involves "doctoring an animal", and knows San will be doing it. She is entirely wrong about the task, though, as WuWho and the less than subtle RoadBlock graphic tell us that they'll have to dive into a shark-filled tank and search for the clue, which is on top of the bubble-shaped walkway all aquariums seem to have. And I do mean all of them. Couldn't they have come up with something a bit more... Australian for this? Pretty much every major city in the world has an aquarium with sharks. It's not like Australia's devoid of culture, so why do we need this particular generic task? More to the point, why do we need to recycle this particular generic task from when the American version did it? (Maybe I'm just projecting here, because I'm bitter about Melbourne having never been visited by any version.)

Marsio volunteers Mardy for the task.

The slow ferry arrives.

Fran tells us that San will love the task because he grew up on an island, and... I have no idea how to mock the idea of "he lived on an island, therefore he has no problems with water" without turning it into a mention of the horrible situation in Samoa at the moment. Can we just move on, before the hole I'm digging myself gets any deeper? Thanks. (Samoa, our thoughts and sympathies lie with you, and not necessarily for having to deal with the worst batch of Survivor contestants yet.)

That hole I'm digging myself? Just struck China.

The slow ferry teams manage to figure out the clue, but Laura falls over and hurts her ankle or something. It's not shown, making me wonder whether the incident was too disturbing to show, or whether they just didn't get the footage. Antsy realise there's nothing they can do but watch her get even slower, and continue walking. Andy tells her to "just suck it up". Ah, yes, I can see why she's going to marry that charming specimen. Shut up, Andy.

Surprisingly without a commercial, we go to the aquarium. San's diving instructor has to make little walking motions with his fingers to get San to move around in the tank. Heh.

Laura gets up and slowly limps away, providing an explanatory voice-over in which she exposits that she was watching the surfers on the beach instead of where she was walking. To be honest, I'd be watching the surfers too, because how dumb would they have to be to be trying to surf on a giant pile of sand when there's so much water right nearby? (Though, it is Sydney...) Of course, Andy immediately tries to blame her fall on "bad luck". I move that we kidnap Andy and take him to a casino to play against.

Sharon and Melody are third, Antsy are fourth, Zabrina and Joe Jer are fifth, and Howard and Cirran are sixth to arrive at the RoadBlock. Melody, Syeon, Howard, and Joe Jer take the task. Howard thinks a nurse is a type of dolphin. Oh, please. Sharks are, like, the Bart Simpsons of the marine world, dolphins are the Milhouses.

San manages to swim up to his clue, which isn't positioned so they can't just walk to it. Well, at least that's one good thing about this lame task. Fran doesn't want San to touch the shark, and it appears as though the diving instructor isn't too keen on the idea either, but San does it anyway.

Andy takes the RoadBlock for the obvious reason of being able to stay upright for long enough to do it.

The last ferry must really be slow, because the damned bridge is still easily visible in Team Idiot's Titanic shot. How did that movie end, again?

A medical guy comes to check out Laura's ankle. While San leaves the tank with his clue, she tells some offsider that one of the things she "really wanted to do" was go into a tank filled with creatures who could tear you from limb-to-limb just because they can. Obviously, she has never been to a Boxing Day sale. Laura thinks someone might freak out and be unable to do it. Right on cue, Mardy is having trouble breathing, because his diving suit is too small. While he changes into a bigger suit, we cut to a confessional in which he says that "the guy" gave him a medium-sized vest. Now, come on. If Mardy's a medium, then I'm thin enough to be a catwalk model. The Guy himself provides an off-the-cuff interview in which he thinks Mardy is trying to stall because he's scared of the sharks. The Guy is cute, and totally aware of the camera. You can tell when he provides a quick cursory glance over to the camera right at the end of the interview. (But I do like the idea of interviewing some of the stunt whores and other assorted extras about what they see, because some of their reactions are pure gold even when they don't speak. Imagine what'll happen if they get the chance to put it into words.)

Outside, Howard is bitching that Cirran is more concerned about their current position than whether Howard is about to "get [his] head bitten off by a shark or not". Then perhaps he should try and do his share of the RoadBlocks. Just a suggestion.

The medical guy tells the same offsider Laura was talking to, who must be a producer or something, that they'll have to take her up the road to the hospital. Laura instead decides that she'd "like to complete the leg", and it's nice to see she hasn't lost her dry sense of humour.

Fran tells San that sharks aren't "kittycats", as she pulls the clue out of its plastic envelope. They have to take a ferry back to Circular Quay, and then take a floating taxi to the Pit Stop, which is at the Bounty Tallship. It's a replica of the actual Bounty that was made for a film, and as usual, the last team to check in may be eliminated.

Laura and Andy argue about their being in seventh, and whether it was Laura's fault. It totally was, by the way.

Fucking recording. Anyway, when we return after this latest gap, Team Idiot are celebrating the beauty of Sydney, as the little graphic tells us they're in last place. Just in case you didn't notice from them being in last place the entire day up until this point.

SanFran make the first ferry, and realise that the only team who could possibly join them is the Super Marsio Bros. Speaking of them, Mardy gets his clue. Cirran wonders where Howard is, because he isn't in the tank like everyone else yet. That's because he's currently freaking out in the training tank. Wait until he sees some actual sea creatures. Melody gets her clue, accompanied by the Horns Of Perseverance.

Howard is freaking out, and freezing, apparently.

Syeon seems to have somehow provided a revisionist history of her time in the tank, trying to claim that she finished in second place. Whatever, Syeon.

Howard is still freaking out. Oh, for Pete's sake. Who is Pete, anyway, and how did he get an entire expression?

Antsy are out of the aquarium in second place, after somehow managing to beat both Melody and Mardy in getting out of the wetsuit and into her normal clothes.

Joe Jer is flailing in the tank, and confessionals that she felt sorry for a poor turtle she kept landing on. The turtle doesn't mind, because at least it wasn't Team Idiot.

Sharon and Melody and the Super Marsio Bros. read the clue, in third and fourth respectively.

On their ferry, Team Idiot display a rare moment of intelligence by asking the boat's captain for help figuring out the clue.

Fucking download. Have I mentioned how much it's been annoying me yet? This episode is officially turning into the iSnack 2.0 of recaps. This time, we lose basically an entire minute and a half.

Howard tells a diver that he's not going to quit the task. Famous last words.

Commercials. And now, for a comment from a future recap, release date unknown: 'Grant voices over that even though they're all happy now, the mood is about to change. Suddenly, the television turns on, all ready to release a plague of black balloons upon the world, and Grant appears. That's not changing the mood, that's just making the women horny!'

Cirran says that he's the one who's feeling nervous.

All of a sudden, Howard decides he can't dive after all, and blames it on the combination of the smell of fish, the smell of the diving equipment, and having a cold. Yes, that's right, the smell of the diving equipment is what's causing him to have a panic attack. I don't know where to begin mocking him for this.

Cirran talks to an off-camera producer and says that "whatever he decides is fine". Oooh, oooh, I know this one! It's "Things An Idiot Might Say", isn't it?

Howard is now complaining about claustrophobia. For the love of criminy, just pick a lame excuse and stick with it already.

Antsy learn about the Jetcat back to Circular Quay. Andy gets the clue. Antsy get on the Jetcat, thus ending The Least Interesting Few Seconds Of Footage This Episode.

Sharon and Melody confessional that even though SanFran got on the first return ferry, this time they got on the slow one, while the girls themselves were able to get onto a Jetcat.

Zabrina and Joe Jer reunite and read the Pit Stop clue.

The Super Marsio Bros. are pissed to learn that they missed the Jetcat by "half a minute". Damn that diving instructor and his lack of ability to tell the difference between "medium" and "extra large"!

Sharon and Melody tell Antsy about their ticket lady, because this is important enough to make the episode, apparently.

Team Idiot decides to rock up at the RoadBlock, and Prashant is astonished to learn that they're in last place. Really? Wow. I wouldn't have guessed, considering they've been in last place ever since their accents got the cabbie lost on the way to Dawes Point, and they had to do the Detour twice, and they took the slow ferry. Shut up, Team Idiot. Anyway, Sahil take the RoadBlock, misreading "plunge" as "punch". Of course he does.

As it turns out, both SanFran's regular ferry and the other teams' express ferry have arrived at exactly the same time. Footrace! Unfortunately for them, SanFran are held back by their ferry not letting them off immediately, and by the time they make it to the water taxi dock, both Antsy and Sharon and Melody (who are sharing) are already gone.

Andy and Laura read the Pit Stop clue. Laura demands that Andy slow down. You know what helps you recover from a foot injury? Spending even more time than necessary on your feet, apparently.

Sharon remarks on how it's been "a glorious Sydney Sunday", which will no doubt please the timeline geeks.

Laura tells Andy that "someone's supposed to have freaked" at the aquarium, and we cut to Cirran, now trying to help a de-wetsuited Howard regain some dignity.

Andy and Laura learn that both the Jetcat and the regular ferry are going to arrive at the same time, and so take the regular ferry.

Cirran tries to offer Howard some words of support. Because Howard can't see, he rolls his eyes while he does it.

Sahil grabs the clue. Howard is fully dressed and walking outside for some air.

Pit Stop. Antsy and Sharon and Melody's water taxi arrives.

Cirran wants to take Howard's bag. Huh. Usually, people can't wait to get rid of their own bags on this show.

Pit Stop. The editors try and get some tension out of the footrace from the water taxi dock to the mat, but since Antsy were way ahead of Sharon and Melody getting off, it's not going to happen. In any event, Antsy get to the mat first. The Greeter is dressed in 17th Century sea captain attire, because that just sums up the concept of "local dress" perfectly, don't you think? Next time the show comes to Australia, I want to see the greeter dressed like Ned Kelly. (Which, yes, means the race will have to swing down to Melbourne instead of Sydney. I think that -- literally -- the only people complaining about Sydney being passed over in favour of Melbourne will be people who actually live in Sydney.) Anyway, welcome Antsy, you are team number one. They cheer. Welcome, Sharon and Melody, you are team number two.

Team Idiot play Aquarium Tank Charades, neither of them apparently knowing where the clue is.

SanFran board their water taxi, Fran hoping the other teams went the wrong way.

Howard tries to tell Cirran that he doesn't know what'll happen because he quit the RoadBlock. If only they were one of the teams who quit the RoadBlock last time around, just so they'd know.

As SanFran's water taxi goes beneath the bridge, Sahil finally grabs the clue. For some reason, there are still two left, even after he grabs his. One of them must be Howard's, but who's going to take the final clue? Everyone's already been, haven't they?

Laura hobbles to the ticket turnstile at the ferry terminal. Unlucky!

Howard and Cirran, now accompanied by the shiny "4 Hour Penalty Applies" graphic from last week, read the Pit stop clue. Inside the aquarium, Sahil gets out of the tank and says he "can't ask for anything more, mate". I can think of a couple of things I'd ask for at this point.

Marsio thinks his fingers are a video camera.

Howard wants to at least carry The Amazing Bum Bag, but Cirran won't let him. Howard confessionals that he doesn't know why he couldn't dive down today, given he's apparently dived "a thousand times before". Howard eventually gets his bag back.

The Super Marsio Bros. arrive at Circular Quay, and Mardy points out the water taxi, which looks exactly like a normal taxi, except on water. Convenient.

SanFran arrive at the Pit Stop, as Team Idiot read the Pit Stop clue. In what is literally the final twenty metres or so of the run, Fran asks San to take her bag. Because, you know, there was a danger all five teams behind them could have caught up and passed them. Or something. Welcome, SanFran, you are team number three.

On Ferry #4, another slow one, Howard explains to Andy and Laura what happened. Or, rather, what didn't happen.

The Super Marsio Bros. get into a water taxi, driven by a hot guy who tells them he's "got [them] covered".

Team Idiot takes the next Jetcat, which seems to arrive at the same time as the other ferry.

Pit Stop. My favourite piece of music this show has plays as the Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the mat. Welcome, Super Marsio Bros., you are team number four.

Howard and Cirran, Zabrina and Joe Jer (boy, they disappeared for a while there, didn't they?), and Andy and Laura all try and navigate through a plaza or something to get to the water taxi dock. Team Idiot, of course, is already on theirs, which is pulling up to the Pit Stop. Laura hides her head in Andy's shoulders. Team Idiot runs up to the mat. Welcome, Team Idiot, you are somehow team number five, despite being at the back of the pack for the entire day aside from one thirty-second run to a water taxi dock. Fuck that shit.

The final water taxi docks. Zabrina and Joe Jer get out and run. Andy and Laura get out and amble. Howard and Cirran get out, and we cut away before we find out how they've decided to interpret the words "proceed on foot to the Pit Stop". Andy mumbles something, which the subtitles department has decided translates into Normal People Speak as "You got to make it like we can carry on tomorrow honey", even though that's (1) not a proper sentence, and (2) quite clearly not what he's saying. For one, he says the word "God", clear as day.

Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are team number six. Zabrina points out that sixth place isn't exactly the sort of finish they were hoping for, but that they're still glad to be in it.

Welcome, Andy and Limping Laura, you are team number seven. Again. WuWho's emotion co-processor malfunctions, and he sounds even more like a robot than usual as he asks Laura if she's "still able to continue in the race". Fade to an ambulance, with Laura getting in. WuWho voices over that "test on the extent of Laura's injury will determine whether Laura and Andy can continue on the next leg of the race." Except she's totally shown racing in the preview for next week, so this is one cliffhanger that isn't. On the one hand, it's good that they're getting the doctors in right now, as opposed to deciding to wait until her leg is on the verge of gangrene before intervening. (Also, fuck you, Survivor.) On the other, what would have happened if she couldn't keep racing?

Howard and Cirran run up to the mat, where WuWho reminds them about Howard being a big quitter, just in case he doesn't feel bad enough, instead of telling them the big news that they're the last team to arrive. But of course, this is a non-elimination, which means that their quitting means... nothing, really, considering chances are high that everyone will be bunched together right at the start of the next leg of the race. Still, at least Howard and Cirran will be starting the next leg flat broke. Howard confessionals that they still both want to finish the race, because it's all about facing your fears, and he thinks they're "doing brilliantly so far". It's a good thing that's the last line of the episode, because I just began choking on the preposterousness of that statement.

Executive Producer: Michael McKay.

Next week: Balls! Bungy jumping! Bad decision-making!

1x03: Bali, Indonesia

2009-10-18T16:44:00.002-07:00

If you thought digging around in sand for hours was excruciating, you should try recapping it.

Previously on Bakso, Bakso Man! I Want To Be A Bakso Man!: Ten teams flew [Lufthansa] from Kuala Lumpur to Jakarta. Unsafe taxi driving ensued. The RoadBlock forced people to get up close and personal with a giant snake. A real one. Apparently, the "Guest Star In A Porno" idea was canned at the last minute. There was a high school, and there was singing, and there was dancing, but Zac Efron wasn't giving blowjobs off camera. As far as we know. Team Idiot lucked their way into the Fast Forward, while Journey sucked their way into a month-long vacation at the Loser Lodge. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits. Do we really need to cut straight from that neon "Jumbo" sign to the shots of the Super Marsio Bros.? [JUMBOMP.]

Welcome back to Jakarta. As you may or may not remember, and may or may not care about, Jakarta is the capital city of Indonesia. And it's a big city, as these helicopter shots will tell you. In the middle of the city is the National Monument, which was the second Pit Stop in this little race we've been having. As usual, all of the remaining teams get to leave a whole twelve hours after they arrived. The ever-robotic WuWho has been programmed not to care enough about these people to ask questions about their ultimate fate.

At 1:59am, Team Idiot departs. And, knowing them as well as I don't, they probably think they'll be able to keep a sizable lead at this time of night. They won't, because they must now fly to Bali. WuWho tells us that Bali is 962 kilometres away, but he does not add that teams have apparently again been ordered to get there by flying on [AeroMexico]. Bali has surfing, monkeys, and temples, according to the introductory shots. All three will turn up again later in the episode, so you may go ahead and tune out for a few seconds here if you wish. When their [Air Botswana] flight arrives, they have to get to a cluebox on Kuta Beach. Sound familiar? It's, like, three streets away from where the Bali bombings in 2002 took place, and it's where they have the memorial each year. I haven't got anything even approaching funny to say about that, which is probably for the best, really.

On the way to the airport, Prashant calls his driver "James Bond", and I guess he's lucky it's not the real James Bond, because I hear windscreen wipers make good bayonets. (At this point, I would like to point out that anything I say is for entertainment purposes only, and may or may not be accurate. In any case, do NOT try this at home.) In a pre-race confessional, Prashant tells us that they "have both come on the race with a lot of... girth." Um... yeah. ["You'll notice he supports the stereotype by not mentioning anything about length." -- WhoreBoy] He apparently means it in regards to their potential, but that doesn't fit any definition of the word "girth" that I can find. They arrive at the airport and are shocked to learn that it's shut. So everyone's going to wind up bunched. As usual. Sigh. Wait, why does this annoy me? I don't even like Team Idiot. They sleep outside, and we are treated to Prashant saying he's "so hot" (debatable), and a remix of Sahil's quote about getting head. Uh, I mean, "getting AHEAD". Sorry.

2:27am. Good morning, Super Marsio Bros.! As they leave the mat, Marsio is whining about sore legs already. In continuing with the theme so far of We Are So Fat, Marsio tells us that "obviously, [they] are not built for the race". They think that after having two legs in two days, they will not be able to survive, especially without sleep. Did they not know that Pit Stops allow you "to eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams"?

2:38am. Howard and an unusually chipper Cirran leave the mat. One minute later, Zabrina and Joe Jer do the same. And Sharon and Melody a minute after that. And the Portable Posse a minute after that. And Andy and Laura at 2:42am. Wow, that was much closer than it looked last week. Jacqueline is happy to be going to the beach. I think it might have been because Rose Portable told her they can flirt and wear bikinis while they're there. People get into taxis. Howard tells us that he's surprised he hasn't tried to bitchslap Cirran. Well, not in those words, obviously, but you can tell that that's exactly what he's thinking. More people get into taxis.

Marsio hopes they "make Indonesia proud". And his wife. And Mardy's wife. I think they can safely say they've made Indonesia proud, given they haven't been anywhere near as annoying as people like Andrew or Rose Portable or Team Idiot. In their cab, Jacqueline, still calling the Super Marsio Bros. "M&M's", mentions them and wonders where she left her chocolates. Talk about a ditz. A zombified Zabrina realises that "everybody's going to catch up again". They confessional poolside about how close everyone is. Crap. If Journey got poolside chats last week and these two are getting them this week, does that mean they're getting eliminated? Suddenly, the airport is open, and Sharon and Melody enter. Melody tells us that "the strongest contender could be the weakest, or the most unluckiest". You know, I think grammar might be getting a restraining order of some kind against these two. In any event, it turns out she said it because their cab took them to the wrong terminal. Ouch. Andy tries to tell his driver to go fast in Indonesian, and as usual, he sounds completely condescending while he does it. Sigh. Andy and Laura talk about everybody getting paranoid that they're in last, over a shot of people waiting in front of the [Malev] counter.

Apparently, a lot can happen in four minutes, and Antsy show this by departing at 2:46am, only four minutes behind Andy and Laura. SanFran are last to depart, at 3:07am. SanFran try to claim that any team could be eliminated, even though at this point, it really looks like it's going to be them getting the boot. Fran tells us San is the eternal optimist, while she sits in the back of the cab moaning. She provides an impersonation of this. Hee.

(For the three people who care, I didn't forget to recap the amount of money the teams got, we weren't told because we were too busy listening to "Fly to Bali, Indonesia" over and over and over. I’d understand if it was one of those places everybody sounded ridiculously excited to go to, but many of these teams sound like they’re reading from a phone book.)

Thanks to the wonders of editing, SanFran have arrived at the airport; and immediately after they do, the teams book their tickets on [Thai Airways]. Some guy tries to push in front of Sharon and Melody, and Melody gets a little pissed. And by "a little pissed", I mean "threatening retaliation". Oh, this ain't yo momma's race anymore. Sharon tries to get the people behind the [KLM] counter to tell PokeyPig to "behave himself". In a later scene, Sharon's voice goes all anime-like and she matter-of-factly reminds Melody of some "combat training routine" they apparently both know. Now with added demonstrations! It might just be me, but a busy airport might not be the safest place to show someone a series of martial arts moves, even if "that's what he deserves". Nevertheless, "chin, throat, groin" is my new favourite quote.

The remaining teams get their tickets, with Howard shocked to learn that he's going to have to wait six hours before he can leave. Meanwhile, the Portable Posse is trying to schmooze their way into sitting in the airport lounge for free. Incidentally, the camera guys get a nice shot in which the Filipino flag on the strap of Jacqueline's backpack is prominent, as though they want to remind you which country these two tools are from. Strangely enough, Filipino Fuckwits is a casting category we will return to pretty frequently in the future. Jacqueline offers "facial cleanser" as a bribe to get into the lounge. Soap? Really? The people at the lounge refuse their crappy "gift" (if you can call it that), and the next thing we see is the Portable Posse begging in an airport. The camera guy gets this footage in a pretty long shot, so it's not immediately obvious to the poor schmucks being hit up that they're on camera, which is definitely a good idea, because it negates the whole "Oooh, we're on TV! Let's give them money so we don't look like pricks!" thing that always makes these scenes feel a little contrived. I just wish they would bother to use it when people are actually forced to beg. They get the money anyway. When Jacqueline offers them a high five, the guy (whose face has been blurred) wants a kiss instead. Heh. And, I'm surprised the Portable Posse didn't immediately offer that. They take their change straight to the lounge and get in. God. I can't believe they went to such lengths just to get into the AIRPORT LOUNGE. If you can't last six hours in an airport without bitching and moaning about your lack of comfort, wait until they dump you on the streets of, like, Bangladesh or something. Or even worse, on a train in Melbourne.

Meanwhile, the annoying Isn't This Funny? music continues, as the Super Marsio Bros. get knee massages. Remember back when they said they'd spend their money to get to the Pit Stop quickly? Yeah, this is really helping them. I may have to take back that "they've made Indonesia proud" if they continue to do this. The Portable Posse continues to relax. So do the Super Marsio Bros. Marsio says his wife "always tells [him] to exercise, but [he] never listen[s] to her." Heh.

Antsy is among the teams who have not forgotten that this is a race. Syeon traces a map of the beach from a computer screen. Okay, there's thrifty, and then there's stingy. Just pay the money and print it out already. Syeon tells us they were pissed with finishing eighth.

Everybody boards the [Dragon Air] flight and flies [Air Jamaica] to Bali. Their bags also board the [SAS] flight. The Amazing Yellow Line follows the amazing teams' amazing journey to amazing Bali. Okay, the Amazing Map shows Denpasar, but that doesn't sound nearly as amazing. So let's just keep saying Bali. Besides, it's less work for my tired fingers.

Just like last week, people get into taxis. Syeon describes to their driver what a race flag looks like. Except she gets the colours in the wrong order. Red-yellow-red, my ass. Howard calls the adventure of booking a taxi "a bit of a scramble". And there are more than enough rotten eggs to go around, don't you worry. Sharon also tells their driver about the flag, but at least limits herself to "red and yellow flag". Suddenly, Antsy see the flag. They run onto the beach and grab the clue, as a helpful graphic reminds us that Kuta Beach is playing the role of Kuta Beach today. Back near the street, they notice that it's a RoadBlock. The clue this time is: "Who digs the seaside?" Oooh, sixties slang! Blecch. Syeon takes the task.

Before I forget, do you know what a RoadBlock is? No, it's not "a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons". No, it's not "a pre-determined non-elimination point". No, it's not even "a gateway to another dimension". But what it is is "a task that only one person can perform". WuWho is only too happy to remind you of this fact, because otherwise he becomes as obsolete as a Commodore 64. Instead of doing some actual surfing, which WuWho reminds us is common at this beach, the chosen member of each team must dig inside a marked plot of beach for a itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie wooden toy surfboard, as opposed to the itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie yellow polka-dot bikinis the Portable Posse undoubtedly have in their wardrobe somewhere. From the looks of this clip, all the teams have to help them is a little kid's sandcastle-building shovel. When they find the surfboard, they can give it to a cute shirtless guy waiting next to a full-size surfboard nearby, and he will whip it out. (...By "it", I mean "their next clue". Did I not make that clear?)

In other news, that task sucks. Couldn't they have done something related to actual surfing? Managing to surf on your own? Making a surfboard? Anything at all? Feh.

Syeon runs to a plot. Sharon and Melody find the beach and get out of their taxi. Andy and Laura congratulate their driver for losing the teams behind them. Of course, that could be because everyone else's cabbie knows a short cut, or because you're lost, so don't congratulate him just yet. San reckons he's too excited at the moment. Right now, he's practically comatose, so I wonder how dull unexcited San is. The Super Marsio Bros. can see the flag. But the Portable Posse is already running. Sharon and Melody are there too. Rose Portable, Sharon, and Marsio take on the task, all at the insistence of their partners. Heh. Some things make you laugh for no reason at all, and that is one of them.

Syeon is digging, and the ever-helpful Andrew tells her the others are here. Is there any logical reason to tell her that? It's not going to make the surfboard stick its arm out of the sand and wave a flag or anything.

The remaining teams arrive, with Andy having to tell Laura not to jump over a hedge. If you say so, Andy. We don't yet find out whom Team Idiot picks, but Andy is doing it. For now. As Marsio tries to see whether the surfboard is buried just below the surface, Howard volunteers himself, and Fran volunteers San. In last place for the first time, Zabrina and Joe Jer finally rock up, and Zabrina can tell what the challenge is from all the other teams digging. Or possibly because it's been a task before.

Jacqueline's idea of cheering is saying "do it" over and over, and it makes me want to do something to burst my own eardrums. The surfer guy watches on like she's an idiot. ["He wasn't the only one." -- EmoHunk] Andrew orders Syeon to stop slacking off. Sharon moves a big clump of sand with her hands. Andy has dug a deep hole in one little section of his plot, and Laura tells him that "this is what [they] do everyday". There's some sort of human metal detector joke in there somewhere, but I can't quite find it.

People dig. And dig. And dig. It's not exactly a broken ox in terms of excitement yet. Fran and Andrew both remind their partners that they don't have to dig all the way to Denmark to find their surfboard. Sahil tells Prashant the same thing, and Prashant wants to know how far he's dug so far. Sahil tries to figure out how big an inch is, which has nothing to do with the conversation at this point, and nothing to do with anything we've heard since Prashant's "girth" comment. Laura smartly compares 40 centimetres to a table ruler, although "a little bit more than elbow deep" might have been a little easier in this case.

Jacqueline tries to get SurferGuy to tell her how big 40 centimetres is, and wonders if he even speaks English when he doesn't interrupt her sentence to tell her. Which he probably wouldn't be allowed to do anyway. She then crosses the line from merely annoying to truly unbearable by asking in an accented voice, "Do you understand the words that're coming out of my mouth?" Well, not when you talk like Rose Portable on helium. She then mistakes "I Am Deeply Apologetic, But Unfortunately The Producers Will Not Permit Me To Respond To Your Inane Questions Until Your Partner Completes Her Required Challenge" silence for "Noh Spik-a De Engrish" silence, and to top it off, assumes that if he had any English-language skills, he'd automatically talk to her. Jacqueline is on The List.

People dig with their hands, except for Andy, who has decided to use his shovel. Sahil shows Prashant how to dig quickly. It's exactly the same as how Ken and Gerard did it when they were in Morocco all those years ago. Good times. Rose Portable takes some time off to wonder how she looks. Necessary! Prashant has forgotten what he's supposed to be looking for. Sahil tells him it's a flag, even though it's not, and the snarky editors immediately cut to a flag on the beach. Nice one, guys. Laura tells us the clue actually doesn't tell them what they're looking for, which makes this task even harder. Syeon finds rubbish; San finds a rock. Sharon tells us she hopes she can drink what she's looking for. And some of these teams might actually try drinking a wooden surfboard. Speaking of the Portable Posse, Jacqueline tells Rose Portable that "maybe it's there", pointing in the general direction of her plot of sand. Helpful!

Commercials. If diamonds are a girl's best friend, a girl needs to get a social life.

Thirty minutes later, Sharon has resorted to moving sand around with her feet, and Howard looks as though he's about to collapse. Marsio's back hurts, but he still takes the time to snarkily ask Rose Portable if she's having fun. She calls the task "sexy", which makes no sense, because this is almost literally the least sexy thing you could do on a beach. Mardy tells him off. Jacqueline still thinks she has a reason to be whining. Marsio says that "looking at the TV's easier". True, that. Unless, like we have to see, Jacqueline is dancing again. My eyes! My eyes! Marsio realises he's not cut out to dig for treasure. Heh. These guys are funny, and have now completely made up for the massages they got before.

Locals watch on in amazement that people would subject themselves to this. So does a random shirtless guy with bleached blonde hair.

Andrew bitches at Syeon to work faster. Yes, sir, Admiral Whinypants. Zabrina supports Joe Jer by saying she "would be dead" by this point. Awww. Joe Jer is "such a trooper". San is still digging, and has not shown any signs of slowing down yet. Syeon has finished digging her entire plot, and hasn't found it. Unless they're looking for sand, in which case she's found plenty of it. So Admiral Whinypants tells her to dig lower. Syeon calls it a mistake. I call the three typos I made while writing that sentence the first time a mistake. Admiral Whinypants voices over that he probably should have done it, but he did the snake pit one last week, so they agreed for her to do it whatever it was. Which is an idea so stupid I’m surprised it’s not coming out of Team Idiot.

Prashant is looking around, as though the non-existent flag he's looking for will jump up and down and wave itself in his face. San continues digging, as a panicked Fran tells him not to panic. Heh. Prashant gets rid of The Amazing Bum Bag, which I figured should have been the first thing he did. Fran keeps encouraging San. Sahil's idea of encouragement is telling Prashant that while he might be "ripped" after he finishes, he'll also be sunburnt. Prashant voices over something about patience. I think. His accent is thicker than anyone else's on the race, and it doesn't help that he's mumbling on top of that. Sahil tells him to use his legs.

Cutting from the ridiculous to the sublime, Sharon says "[her] trainer will be proud of [her]". Melody tells her that she, everyone else, and all of Singapore is proud of her. Now that's some good encouragement.

The sun is shining brightly. That's like the opposite of a blunt metaphor at this point. If this were any other show, it would be pissing down with rain right now.

Andy continues digging, as Sharon decides that talking like an old lady on a cruise ship will help her. Joe Jer is digging, but is at least looking happy, even if she is faking it. Marsio realises that it's like finding a needle in a haystack. True. Except you can tell where the haystack ends. Rose Portable sighs.

Commercials. God, finally. Time for lunch. Or dinner. Or whatever meal I'm supposed to be having right now.

The waves at Kuta Beach continue to taunt the racers, who are still digging their own graves. Or at least that's what it's probably beginning to feel like for them. One hour has elapsed. Everybody is drinking water, except for Syeon. Both Rose Portable and Howard try to win the First Annual Amazing Race Asia Wet T-Shirt Contest, but miss their target completely. Rose Portable takes the time to talk to some hot guys staring at them, including one whose boardshorts are practically halfway down his arse. I've mentioned my dislike for saggy pants before, but... mmmm. Melody tries to use The Amazing Bum Bag to provide some shade for Sharon. Cirran goes one step further and grabs a giant umbrella from further down the beach. Heh. Sandy and Rose Portable also request umbrellas. For some reason, Cirran rubs his hand all over Howard's face. Soon, Howard is forced to dig with his feet. (Incidentally, "Dig With Your Feet" is going to be the title of my first self-help book.) Sharon calls Melody a star for getting an umbrella too. Andy is a little peeved that he doesn't get some. Sahil tries to provide advice about where to dig, even while he's busy carrying an umbrella over. Admiral Whinypants orders Syeon to dig in the middle. You will note that he does not provide her with an umbrella. SurferGuy shakes his head.

Cirran points out that Howard has already dug where he's working at the moment, and Howard starts to yell. San tells him to chillax. Andy complains about the temperature being somewhere in the mid thirties. That's nothing. On the current season of Survivor, they're living in temperatures in the high-forties. Without giant beach umbrellas. Andy yells out to Howard and everyone else that if they all take the four-hour RoadBlock quitting penalty, they can all give up and start the next task at the same time. Marsio immediately agrees, but changes his mind as soon as nobody else agrees. Sharon tells us she was shocked Andy came up with the idea.

To me, it looks as though this might be one of those rare tasks where taking the penalty might actually be a decent idea. Yeah, you know someone's probably going to be eliminated, but at the same time, this particular task looks like a bitch, and with people slowing down as they go, there's a huge chance that someone could take a very, very long time to finish. Not to mention that the sun's going to be up for a while, given Kuta is on the western side of the island. And quitting might help you stay ahead of the other teams. But I think that after almost an hour and a half, the chances quitting will be advantageous are diminishing enough to make it possibly harmful to your time in the race. If you're going to quit, you have to do it early, and I think these people have waited a little bit too long.

90 minutes have elapsed. Howard is close to giving up. Fran tells him quitting is pointless unless everybody quits, and since San is now the Terminator or something, he should just suck it up and deal. Andy is still trying to broker a deal with the Super Marsio Bros. and one of the other teams, though it's hard to tell whom. Marsio isn't quitting unless five teams do it, and Andy says a couple of the sheep teams will follow. Insert a cheesy soap opera shot of Marsio staring out to sea and wondering what the others will do.

Admiral Whinypants is still bossing Syeon around, and she wants him to stop. So do I. Howard is on the verge of taking the penalty, and Cirran's telling him to try somewhere new isn't helping. Marsio whines that he didn't get an umbrella. So go get one. It's not exactly rocket surgery. There is more digging, and Sahil tells Prashant to dig some more. Like that thought had never occurred to him before. San gets shirtless, and WhoreBoy's eyes literally bug out. ["They did NOT!" -- WhoreBoy] ["Yeah, they sort of did. It was freaky." -- EmoHunk] Melody tells us San's made a hole deep enough to bury someone. Well, maybe a person less than 40 centimetres tall. And is it really surprising that a person named Sandy is good at this sort of task?

Sahil tells Prashant that he's as fit as San. Really? Because he sure hasn't shown it. Maybe I'm not noticing because San is tolerable to watch, and you're... um, not.

Andy tells us that he's hoping another team will quit shortly after he does, and he'll still be ahead of them after the penalty.

Locals play chess, and it's only the second most strategic thing happening on the beach today.

The Super Marsio Bros. discuss giving up. Zabrina says she and Joe Jer might as well quit if all the other teams are doing it. Admiral Whinypants tells Syeon that they shouldn't quit. Shouldn't Syeon's feelings be taken into account, given she's the one actually doing all the work, as usual? Mardy is trying to persuade Marsio to quit, but Marsio is distracted by a couple of scantily-clad ladies walking past. His wife is no longer proud of him. Andy, who has now for all intents and purposes quit, is trying to explain how the penalty works to the Portable Posse. The camera and sound guys are kinda sorta obvious in this scene. Sahil rants about how "everything is a strategy". He says he "know[s] what to look for, what not to look for", and then follows it up by saying it's a ploy, and that "he doesn't know what it is". Once again, Team Idiot, living up to their nickname. Also, Sahil plays to the camera during his rant. Shut up, Sahil. Don't make me come up there. Sahil tells us Prashant doesn't want to quit. Syeon tells Admiral Whinypants she doesn't want to quit. Sharon is also not quitting. San is shirtless and drinking water. Mmmmmm. Jacqueline asks somebody if they serve food at the beach, like it's a restaurant. Yes, really.

The chess game continues.

Suddenly, Andy thinks he's found something out, and says he's quitting. Andy tells Fran he can't tell her what he knows, because he's not supposed to know. I've watched this episode through about ten times by now, and I still can't figure out what he thinks he found out. I think he's bullshitting here. And if he is, he should have done it in a way that doesn't imply that a producer is rigging the show. Because that's just... I'm trying to come up with a word that finishes that sentence better than "retarded", but I can't think of one. Sorry.

Anyway, Fran tells San what's going on. Now shirtless, Andy runs down to the water to wash the sand off. The Super Marsio Bros. give up. Andy and Laura also quit. Sahil finally makes a smart decision, and tells Prashant to ignore them and find the damn thing already. Except he's still probably thinking it's a flag. And he ends whatever brief moment of liking them I had by somehow thinking he's been placed in charge of Condescendingly Keeping Other Teams Motivated. Sharon is definitely not giving up. San is still digging a moat for his San castle.

Back by the first cluebox, the Super Marsio Bros. open the next clue, accompanied by a graphic that tells them that a "4 Hour Penalty Applies". And you'll be seeing that graphic a lot, so get used to it. Marsio apologises to Indonesia, and then reads the clue, which tells them to find the Internet Outpost Traveller's Lounge. Despite what WuWho says about "navigating the busy streets of Bali", the Bali road map I found says that the street shown (JL Popies II) is just a couple of blocks away from the beach. And when they get to the Internet cafe, they must perform a search on [Google] for the next clue. If you play close enough attention, you may notice that the address of the clue is not a website, but a particular file on the computer. So much for the product placement having any meaning.

The Super Marsio Bros. are in their taxi. Andy and Laura (4 Hour Penalty Applies) read their clue and leave. Andy voices over that people are probably going to start quitting soon, especially after the sun sets. This is accompanied by shots of the remaining players, mostly Syeon and Howard, looking as though they're about to give up on life. Oh, and San is still sans shirt on the sand.

Two hours into the dig, Howard starts praying, and sounds like he has a blocked nose while he does so. San looks around. Yeah, we get it. Put a shirt on already. ["Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?" -- WhoreBoy] ["And don't answer that second part of the question unless... actually, don't answer it at all." -- EmoHunk] Syeon digs up a crab and screams about it. Shortly after, she seems to think that you can say "so many crabs", when you've seen, like, one. Hey, look at that! San really did put a shirt on already. Sharon is still trying to dig with her feet.

Rose Portable sits beside a large surfboard buried next to her pit, which has the word "Simple" painted on it. As she quits, because she thinks it's "impossible". Oh, irony. Love you too. The Portable Posse looks on as Rose Portable remarks on how the other teams are having trouble. And I suppose she has a point, because Joe Jer is almost delirious. She doesn't care if she goes home, she wants to find the damn thing! I think we have ourselves a serious contender on our hands there. Not serious about this whole racing thing? The Portable Posse, who are now confirming that they're quitting. Jacqueline wants to take "the two hour penalty", despite the fact that the penalty is four hours. Lady, they do not discount penalties for the pretty.

San stretches for a crowd of gawking onlookers. Zabrina recaps what's happened so far, in a way that is much more concise and much less annoying than The Biggest Loser ever does. She hopes Joe Jer can find the thing within an hour and a half, which by this point would make a total of about four hours of digging.

The Portable Posse (4 Hour Penalty Applies) gets the clue and leaves. Three down, six to go.

San and Howard are still digging. In an interview, Howard muses about whether the quitting teams were playing smarter than he and Cirran were. Howard's hand is blistered from the sand. Diddums. Nobody said this race would involve luxury hotels.

Sharon is still digging, and Melody implies that she's down for whatever, but it's Sharon's decision about whether to quit. Which is how it should be, really. If you're doing the task, it's your decision, but you should have your partner's support. And at least tell them beforehand. ["You hear that, NATALIE?" -- EmoHunk] ["You knew about that?" -- Raceguy] ["What, you expect me to guest star in these recaps and not know anything about the show? Dude, catch your snap." -- EmoHunk]

Suddenly, girly squealing interrupt Sharon's digging. No, it isn't another crab in Syeon's pit. Prashant has just found the damn surfboard. Cirran runs over to see what they're looking for. Admiral Whinypants snaps at poor Syeon to keep going.

SurferGuy finally gets to do what he was presumably paid for, and hands over the clue. Despite being the fourth team to leave, Team Idiot is in first place again, and head off. Cirran realises that Howard has to dig deeper than he has been. Admiral Whinypants continues being Syeon's personal drill sergeant.

Andy, Laura and the Super Marsio Bros. are approaching the Internet cafe on foot. The Super Marsio Bros. are first, and find the clue easily. They ask to print it out. The next thing we know, they are looking at an actual clue, complete with the Route Info envelope. So there was literally no purpose to the entire [Yahoo] product placement here other than to tell us that [Lycos] paid for this episode. Shut up, whoever decided this would work. Besides, I am more interested by the banner reading "Bungy Jump On The Beach".

Anyway, the clue given at The Fakest Lame Task Ever tells them to go to the Ubud Monkey Forest, and "search for a correct clue". WuWho explains that it's 33 kilometres away, on the edge of a town called Ubud. Clever. Also clever? Monkeys stealing clues and opening them. WuWho tells us there are two hundred clue envelopes in the jungle, but only ten have the correct clue inside.

The Super Marsio Bros. leave. So do Andy and Laura. Both teams are concerned with what time the forest closes. The flight must have gotten in pretty late, then, because they've probably only been in Bali for three or four hours at this point.

The Portable Posse is bitching about their own inability to realise when they should quit. Shut up, girls. To contrast, we cut to Team Idiot's cab, where Prashant is doing that annoying "no pain, no gain" thing that nobody aside from personal trainers ever do. And personal trainers are my least favourite people. Aside from, you know, the Village People. Prashant also boasts about being luckier than San, calling him "The Ox". Whatev.

The sun is setting at Kuta Beach, and San has reached the point where he's taping over his hand to stop himself from getting more blisters. Wow. This task is brutal. And, OH MY GOD. The ox is broken!

Commercials. Raceguy's Celebrity Hunk Of The Week this week, though admittedly it is stretching the definition of “celebrity” a little, is Rakhal Ebeli. Fuck or pass?

Fran provides our informative and completely unnecessary post-commercial recap, just as we hit two and a half hours of digging. Cirran tells Howard to try and "make tracks", and Howard bitches about how helpful Fran is by comparison. Cirran voices over that he wanted Howard to quit, because he was tired of being yelled at.

Team Idiot gets to the Product Placement Cafe and "prints" their "clue". So do the Portable Posse. Soon afterwards, Team Idiot is trying to figure out what "a correct clue" is. See, this is the sort of thing that could have been weeded out in the interview process by asking people some basic questions about the show they claim to love enough to audition. Sigh.

Zabrina promises Joe Jer "a two-hour massage". For all you dirty-minded people out there ["Like you and I?" -- WhoreBoy], Zabrina says she doesn't love Joe Jer. She immediately retracts her statement when Joe Jer says she loves Zabrina. Awww. Zabrina voices over that Joe Jer was "a real trooper", and "didn't even stop once". Three hours have now passed since she started, or since the leaders started, or since whenever it was the clock started. San is also still trenching it up, and Fran tells us the task was so horrible that she "wanted to cry", and she wasn't even doing the thing. Instead of crying, she rubs sunscreen on his arms, while Admiral Whinypants kisses Syeon's owies and puts a kid's bandaid on it. Ew. Admiral Whinypants explains how the penalty works. Again. Even though he's completely wrong, and not just because the quitters could extend their lead over the rest of the leg. Everyone else moves their sand around. Zabrina explains that she doesn't want to quit, but that she's beginning to think she might have to. Sharon points out that if you're out there for long enough, the penalty the other teams have will become useless. Unfortunately, she does not know that "long enough" means "until, like lunchtime tomorrow". Howard correctly points out that these sort of tasks are exactly what they signed up for. Oh, to hear the Portable Posse's reaction to that comment.

For no reason, a time lapse shot.

The Portable Posse reads the clue from the cafe, having apparently infected the real cluegiver with Mactoritis while they were in there.

Andy and Laura are at the monkey forest, and so are the Super Marsio Bros. Marsio points out that it closes at 5:30pm, so they have to haul ass to get in and out in time. And all the teams still on the beach will pretty much have to wait overnight. Andy takes the time to scare some monkeys, and Laura tells us that they are only allowed to take correct clues. Well, I'm sure someone remembered to tell the monkeys that. There are a bunch of quick shots of the teams searching, and suddenly Andy and Laura have found one. Monkeys watch on as they read the Detour, which this time is a choice between Wet and Dry. Has WuWho started wetting the bed on the race? He will not say. Teams who pick Wet have to go to "a nearby tropical rainforest" (um, isn't all of Bali tropical?), walk down a path to the Ayun River, and complete a six-kilometre whitewater-rafting course. Physical! Teams who pick Dry have go to a place called Elephant Safari Park, and ride an elephant around a three-kilometre course. Slow! As cool as elephants are, and as cool as rafting is, it's not that great to have a Detour in which the choice is basically Sit On Something or Sit On Something Else. Andy and Laura decide to raft. They leave, as the Super Marsio Bros. keep searching.

San is still digging and so is Syeon. You know how you can tell this is taking forever? Admiral Whinypants isn't even kvetching any more, and all of a sudden Syeon is the one in a hurry. At three and a half hours, Cirran comes up with the bright idea of finding something to make the dig go a bit quicker. Quickly, some guy comes over with a garden shovel, and wishes them good luck. Awww. Soon, everyone else gets their own shovels. How did it take them three and a half hours of digging to come up with this idea?

San is now moving even faster than he was before. Syeon and Joe Jer are both still at breaking point. How did a task with such a lame premise wind up being so entertaining?

Sharon is depressed to see the sunset, because she wanted to finish before dusk. Hee hee.

At 5:58pm, Team Idiot arrives at the Monkey Forest, which is apparently open until six today, probably because of some deal with the producers. They get in, and are scared by monkeys eating clue envelopes. Okay, I know there was that whole racism brouhaha last year with some Indian cricket players being called monkeys, but these are actual, living, breathing monkeys. Am I allowed to call them monkeys, or am I just supposed to ignore everything that happens while Team Idiot is in the forest, to avoid confusion? I really have no idea. So let's just assume that the monkeys are monkeys, and Team Idiot are idiots. Okay?

Anyway, Team Idiot and the Super Marsio Bros. keep searching for clue envelopes that haven't been destroyed by hungry monkeys.

Howard has found his surfboard. San is a little discouraged, and even digs his shovel in to prove it. Howard voices over that he was shocked to have finally found the damn thing. Good for him. But there are still four teams left, three of whom I like, so I'm not celebrating too much. In second place, they leave.

Syeon wonders if she's digging too deep. If you can see a shiny statue of a Little Mermaid and a whole bunch of Lego, then yes. You have reached Denmark, and you have gone too far. Melody consoles Sharon.

A barbecue torch is starting to burn out.

Joe Jer and San keep digging.

Howard wants the window seat, because he's going to be sick. Somewhere, Al Gore starts a letter telling him not to ruin the environment.

Syeon worries that they'll be in last place, even with the penalties. San finally finds the surfboard. Woo!

After about four hours, the two Malaysian teams decide to give up. Ouch. Sandy goes for a swim to wash off the effects of a few hours of shirtless musclework. So now Sharon is the only person left. Sniff. She's still using the dinky little kid's shovel.

At the monkey forest, the Portable Posse gets their cab to wait for them. He doesn't have to wait long, because it's already closed. Team Idiot is still inside, and Sahil says something about not being able to read the clue. Since they haven't actually failed to read the clue yet this episode, you may take this as a piece of Foreshadowing. I hear it goes great with baba gnouche.

Howard and Cirran get to the Internet cafe.

Syeon is whining in Antsy's cab about being in last place, even though they know they're getting through the leg quicker than Sharon and Melody. Admiral Whinypants blames her bad luck on him not doing it. Syeon makes a right royal bitchface. Heh. She says she should have given up at the beginning. In their cab, Zabrina wipes away Joe Jer's tears. Awww.

Howard and Cirran get their clue. Yawn.

After four hours, the barbecue torches are replaced. Melody tells Sharon that they're in last place anyway, so they might as well quit. Sharon tells Melody that if they get eliminated because she quit, she "couldn't take that". So she's staying here until she finishes, no matter how long it takes. Right here, EmoHunk betrays his name again, as usual, and starts slow-clapping. Seriously, he's like the happiest little Emo kid ever. Someone should tell him that there's more to being Emo that the hair (swoop, there it is). ["*Bitchslaps Raceguy*" -- EmoHunk] A little monkey or something runs along the beach and into Sharon's plot. Melody asks it if it wants to help Sharon. The monkey does not appear to understand.

The sun sets even more, and it's almost completely pitch black. Fran tries to keep San awake by rubbing the side of his face. You know there are other things you can do in the back seat of a car that'll be more successful.

Zabrina and Joe Jer print off their clue. They actually print it off, and lose half of the word "Forest" as they do so. I predict their cabbie will be the one who's all "Ubud Monkey For? Where's that?" Antsy gets a real clue, from the look of it. Random people cheer as they run back to their cabs. SanFran finds the cafe, and gets both versions of the clue without too much hassle. Sandy hopes that his work has helped them get closer to being in the lead. And it has, because with five teams having the little "4 Hour Penalty Applies" graphic, they're ahead of three of the teams in front of them.

We've spent practically half the episode down at the beach, and, as nice as that is, it's time to move on. So we get time-lapse shots of Sharon digging and digging until she finds the surfboard. Yay! Even the locals are clapping! Sharon takes some time to wallow in her pride, before they get the clue, now officially in fourth place.

Team Idiot and their headlamps find a correct clue, and Prashant wastes his time proudly showing the camera that he can read seven letters. They're still in first place, and they've chosen Wet. Sahil mentions some resort they had to go to. I can't decipher it, and it's not thanked in the credits, so anyone who cares is on their own. This is that sort of episode, really. But with his accent, it comes out sounding like "The Royal Poopy Taj Mahal Resort". Make your own joke.

The Super Marsio Bros. and their torches (remember those things? Welcome back to the real world!) are trying to see if there's a clue in their hands. One of them voices over that he didn't know at this point that so many teams quit.

Outside the gates, Antsy ignores the big sign and asks what time the forest opens. Zabrina tells him. Syeon sits on a ledge and hopes Sharon didn't find the souvenir. I don't remember if she was already on The List or not, but she is now.

Speaking of Sharon and Melody, they get their Internet cafe clue, apparently writing it down by hand, with the people working there cheering as they leave. You know, they've really done a good job fighting the "Indonesians suck!" vibe the media tends to give off down here in Australia. Now, if only they could work on making Bali look as amazing as it is.

Howard and Cirran arrive at the monkey forest and learn they have to wait overnight. They see everyone else sitting outside, and start talking to them. We don't hear what he says, because he's busy voicing over that they're "in a fairly good place", because they're even with people who are going to end up around four hours behind them the next day. Soon, the Super Marsio Bros. are joining them, because they got kicked out. They're a little annoyed that their quitting didn't pay off, while Andy and Laura got through the monkey forest unscathed. Fran asks Cirran if they've caught up with any of the teams of quitters, and he says there are two. Of course, there are three, because Howard and Cirran themselves quit, as well as Zabrina and Joe Jer, and Antsy. Oh, and the Portable Posse are probably off begging to get into a hotel. So make it an even four. Sharon and Melody turn up, and immediately try to find somewhere for a massage. I recommend the Monkey Shiatsu. Very refreshing.

Commercials. I hear Jamie Oliver got some steam burns on his dick. So he really IS a Naked Chef!

The next morning, the sun rises, as it is sort of prone to do around here. Sharon and Melody leave their hotel and walk to the forest. A creepy-looking spider crawls through its web, and monkeys fight on a wall. I think I saw this on The View. Howard says he brought bananas for the monkeys, and a shocked Cirran tells him it's dangerous. How was he able to even buy the bananas without Cirran knowing? Everybody else walks up and waits at the entrance. Statues abound.

The monkey forest opens, and people run down the hill. A monkey scurries away from the mean, mean Sri Lankans who forgot their bananas. Everybody runs around looking for the correct clues. The first to find one, sadly, is Cirran. They choose the elephants. Monkeys are still in the monkey forest, and one of them comes about a foot away from accidentally scratching Marsio's eyes out. Really. As Rose Portable climbs up a monument, Jacqueline says she feels "like Lara Croft in Tomb Raider". Except she's not actually in a tomb, she's not raiding anything, and she's standing around doing nothing while Rose Portable climbs up the little altar thingy. But aside from that, it's exactly like the movie. Sharon compares searching for clues to a scratchie. Heh.

Howard and Cirran get back to the entrance. Marsio finds a clue. The Super Marsio Bros. choose Dry, as a real live monkey eats a real live banana. Admiral Whinypants has a clue, and a monkey has a baby. While Antsy deliberates, a different monkey plays with a clue envelope. Zabrina tells us that one of the monkeys helped her. Admiral Whinypants is trying to convince Syeon to go rafting. Meanwhile, other people search, and monkeys remain cool. When will monkeys not be cool? Never, that's when. Antsy exits the forest, and they learn that their taxi driver has decided to go and get breakfast. Sucks to be you. A monkey impersonates Rose Portable, as SanFran find a clue. They want to ride an elephant. A monkey scares the Portable Posse. That monkey is my new hero. Admiral Whinypants and Syeon run through the streets of Ubud looking for their cabbie. Some lady wants SanFran to wait an hour for their cab, but Fran bitchily puts the kibosh on that idea. I know they don't want to waste the time, especially after their last two finishes, but they've got to remember they've got four hours on most of the teams at this point, plus the fact that the Detour options apparently aren't open yet, so they might as well wait and look at the monkeys. San tells Fran to relax. Syeon wants to pay more and just take another team's cab, but Admiral Whinypants whines that they'll be penalised. Yeah, and getting penalties is something you're opposed to. Hypocrite. The Super Marsio Bros. leave in their cab. SanFran's one-hour wait has magically been transformed into a fifteen-minute wait. Antsy's driver has finally shown up, and they leave. Boy, that was close. Antsy almost threatened to be interesting for a little while there. Melody wonders where all the monkeys are. Joe Jer has finally found a correct clue. Melody tells Sharon to "watch out for monkey poo, by the way". Heh. Zabrina and Joe Jer have chosen Dry. Sharon and Melody are still looking, while Aubrey and Jacqueline take the time to hit each other with sticks. As you do.

In their cab, Joe Jer tells us that although they'd prefer to go rafting, they think the elephant is "the smarter, faster way". Which, to me at least, makes a fair bit of sense. It's a shorter route, it's easier to get to, and it's not physical at all, which is exactly what Joe Jer might need after spending so long at the beach yesterday. Speaking of the elephants, Howard and Cirran are the first team to find them. Meanwhile, Antsy wants their driver to drive faster. Jacqueline squeals again, and giggles. Ugh. Melody finally finds a clue. The Portable Posse is still trying to be adorable with sticks. The sticks are more adorable than they are, purely because they don't shriek and focus on their hair, so it's not exactly doing them any favours. Sharon explains that after everything that happened yesterday, she wanted to do something gentle, and be "clean and Dry today".

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive at the elephants, and realise they have to wait until 9am. Cirran wonders about whether everyone else has found clues yet. Right on cue, the Portable Posse, in last place with or without the penalties, find the clue. They try -- and fail -- to dance adorably. They immediately decide to go rafting. A drum beats to show... something.

Andy and Laura make a long-unawaited return to the episode. Laura explains that she was hoping that "there were a few people who quit on the RoadBlock". Lucky her. Of course, now everybody is completely even again, so they've lost any advantage they had by quitting so soon. In their cab, Team Idiot complains about how "boring" elephants are, because two old people are riding them in the flyer they have.

As if to point out what a stupid remark that is, Cirran calls his elephant "Mr. Elephant as he and Howard get on. Howard tells us that riding elephants was going to be easy, because they're from Sri Lanka, and Sri Lanka has elephants too. I think the actual point of what he was trying to say was something along the lines of the elephant task being easy, because they live on the planet Earth. They and Zabrina and Joe Jer are having the time of their lives, and comment on how beautiful it is. Zabrina and Joe Jer have called their elephant Nicky, and ask him to go faster.

Andy, Laura, Antsy, and Team Idiot are all at the rafting. Admiral Whinypants orders his driver to stop the meter. Why the hell should he? He's losing business while you're out rafting. Tool. Sahil wants to "kick some boo-tay". Can you start with your own? Thanks in advance. Everybody gets in and leaves. It's only the two team members and the guides in their raft, and the river isn't moving that fast, so this might take a fair while.

So let's cut back to the elephants. Nicky spins around for the cameras. She's all "Does my bum look big in this?", and Zabrina and Joe Jer are all "Just get us to the finish, and we'll give you some fashion advice we learned from the Portable Posse". Howard exposits what just happened with the girls, and Cirran chortles. And, as much as I like them, I probably would be laughing too if I was in Cirran's situation. But Nicky is still going in the right direction, even if he's walking backwards, which helps them. Right around here, I realise that Cirran's voice reminds me of Kamahl, and not in the good way. ["There's a good way?" -- WhoreBoy] ["Why are people so unkind?" -- EmoHunk] As Nicky finally turns back around, Zabrina voices over that she was scared because she thought he was going to drop them, and they would get trampled or hurt somehow, and it was "terrifying". Again, a very rational fear. Suddenly, Nicky is facing the wrong way again. These two just can't catch a break. Howard and Cirran are now riding their elephant as it goes through the water. Luckily for them, they remain dry and do not let me start referencing that Chernobyl joke from the Australian Survivor recaps that made EmoHunk wet his pants. ["That was ONE TIME!" -- EmoHunk] They're having fun. Not having fun? Zabrina and Joe Jer, ready for another spin. Soon, Howard and Cirran are finished and get the clue, which sends them to the Uluwatu Caves. WuWho adds in the information that the caves are on the southern tip of the island (Ubud is in the northeast), and that they'll have to find a clue "hidden within the cave". Which is "hidden" in plain sight, practically screaming "I'm over here, Portable Posse". See?

So basically, it's a place they're going before they go to the Pit Stop, even though there's no reason to. It sort of feels like they were supposed to go to the caves between the monkey forest and the Detour, but the mass quitting changed the producers' plans. It's definitely weird. As Howard and Cirran leave, the girls get their clue.

The Super Marsio Bros. are speaking Indonesian to their driver, and ascertain that he doesn't know where the fuck he's going. The Portable Posse tries to get to the rafting.

At the rafting, the teams raft. Andy tells us they don't have many whitewater rapids in Thailand, so they decided to do it so they could say they have. Good idea. It's sort of the exact opposite of the strategy Howard and Cirran have adopted, and both make complete sense to me. But Andy says it wasn't a great choice, because he had forgotten that rowing a boat six miles, rapids or not, is going to be very physical. Sahil and Prashant blather on about how they beat "everyone" at the rafting, despite the fact that over half the teams chose to ride elephants, and all the other teams who went rafting have women in them who have decidedly less upper-arm strength than you two. Arrogant pricks. They get the caves clue and leave. Andy and Laura follow. So do Antsy. The "4 Hour Penalty Applies" graphic starts to wear out from overuse.

SanFran, in a rare trip to the middle of the pack, are at the elephants, and Fran asks if they run. Only when there's a mouse in their way. The Super Marsio Bros. also get to the elephants. SanFran is happy to be ahead of them. One of Sharon and Melody can tell that they're at the elephants because she "can smell elephant poo". What is with these two and their turd obsession? SanFran are now finished. You may notice that everything's getting a wee bit truncated down here towards the back of the episode. I think it's partly because we spent so long at the RoadBlock and at the monkey forest, and partly because it's really boring to watch people doing stuff. As a general rule, things that are exciting for the teams aren't that great to watch. Sharon and Melody leave with their elephant after asking his name, and just before the Super Marsio Bros. finish. Sharon and Melody snark about how this task is relaxing.

The Portable Posse puts on their rafting helmets. If Rose Portable fixes her hair, we don't get to see it. They raft. The teams who have already finished the rafting are whining about not having taxis. Admiral Whinypants Foreshadows that hitchhiking is strictly verboten. Eventually, they get locals to call taxis for them. Andy and Laura are the first to leave. Admiral Whinypants comes up with the bright idea to get someone to go back to the start of the rafting, and get their taxi to come down to them, because apparently they're still waiting up there.

Sharon and Melody finish the elephant ride. They're in fourth place, but they're the eighth team to finish the Detour. This is a little confusing, but I can live with it, because the advantages to having penalties assessed at the Pit Stop are greater than the advantages of having it assessed on the race route.

Uluwatu Caves. Howard and Cirran, and Zabrina and Joe Jer are the first two teams to arrive. Howard and Cirran get to the cave first, and read the clue, telling them to go to the Pit Stop. It's at the Tanah Lot Temple, which, per WuWho, is "perched on a rocky outcrop at the sea's edge". It's one of Bali's most important "sea temples", and it's accompanied by a graphic saying "Proceed to: PITSTOP". Helpful. How about telling us where it is, graphics guys? WuWho's Robo-Speech program also malfunctions and calls it "the third Pit Stop in this leg of the race". WuWho does look abnormally sweaty here; perhaps that sweat got into his mainframe. The last team to arrive may be eliminated. In the event of a tie, it's time for WuWho's Annual Chili Cookoff!

Howard reminds us that a Pit Stop is a Pit Stop. Zabrina and Joe Jer read the Pit Stop clue. Pit Stop, Pit Stop, Pit Stop!

The Portable Posse finishes rafting. On the side of the road, Sahil gets pissed that a taxi got sent over from the starting point, but it was Antsy's taxi. I guess their motorbike guy moves fast. Sahil goes all moralising and blames them for taking a taxi they called, even though Antsy had already sent for him. Shut up, Sahil. You are probably already on The List, but you can go straight to the top of it.

Commercials. Do they even bother trying to make highbrow television any more? In the nineties, we had Frasier, The X-Files, Seinfeld, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Friends, and so on. Now? Um... Wipeout?

Sahil continues ranting, and Syeon thinks they're pissed off. Very observant.

The Portable Posse leaves the rafting. SanFran are already down at the water's edge, reading the clue. Mardy and Marsio are next to read it. Team Idiot's cab finally turns up. Andy and Laura are at Uluwatu and are searching for the caves. Andy is telling Laura they need her legs to be strong enough to make it to the cave and back. Which would help. Marsio talks about how they might be eliminated. Andy reads the Pit Stop clue. Sharon and Melody arrive in Uluwatu, and the beach amazes Melody. Unsurprisingly, Sharon is somewhat less outwardly enthusiastic.

We are shown a market or something in Tanah Lot, where Howard, Cirran, Zabrina, and Joe Jer have all arrived.

Sharon and Melody read the Pit Stop clue. Remember, they're in third place because of all the penalties.

Epic, impressive music plays as Zabrina and Joe Jer run up to the mat, with Howard and Cirran literally about five steps behind. The greeter, who looks like they just picked a random person out of the market, welcomes the teams. Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are "the first team to arrive". But you quit the RoadBlock, so you don't get to check in yet. Welcome, Howard and Sahran, you are Team Number One, and you don't have any penalties! You also win a [Panasonic] video camera each. It sort of seems a little bizarre to have to give this away in a leg where the first team has to deal with a penalty, but it's also really, really, really funny. Even if it is Zabrina and Joe Jer.

Andy and Laura are driving through the streets, and Laura tells their driver they can't afford to get lost. Unless he gets lost deliberately taking you in the wrong direction, which might actually help. They pass a parade of people, who are all wearing white and carrying buckets or lanterns or something. Andy whines that he wants to drive, and Laura reminds him that he doesn't exactly have an Indonesian taxi driver's licence. Not a real one, anyway.

Antsy reads the Pit Stop clue at the caves. Team Idiot follows them. And the Portable Posse.

The Super Marsio Bros. run to the Pit Stop. But SanFran finally uses their muscles for something other than looking damn hot, and beats them to the mat. Welcome, SanFran, you are Team Number Two! Good for them. Especially after the past two weeks, that might be the result they need to start taking the race a bit more seriously. The Horns Of Perseverance play inappropriately as the Super Marsio Bros. approach the mat. You are the fourth team to arrive, but you have a penalty. You'll still be safe, because the other teams with penalties haven't rocked up yet, but you're going to be leaving hours after the teams who didn't quit.

Team Idiot mumble about how hard the leg was. They just sat around! It's been practically the easiest day in non-Family-Edition Amazing Race history, and they're still whining about it. Fuck off already, guys.

Andy and Laura get to Tanah Lot and run. Sharon and Melody also arrive and run. Welcome, Andy and Laura, you're fifth, but come back in four hours. Welcome, Antsy, you're sixth, but go join Andy and Laura. Welcome, Sharon and Melody, you're Team Number Three! And congratulations for not giving up. Seriously.

In their cab, the Portable Posse put their makeup on, so they won't look bad when they get to the Pit Stop. It's the sort of thing which seems perfectly normal and cute when you know the team knows they're doing well, but here, when you know the Portable Posse know they're not in the lead, and that they have a penalty on top of that, it comes out looking like you're trying to save face (no pun intended... for once).

Team Idiot arrives in Tanah Lot. So does the Portable Posse. For some reason, the editors are trying to give off the impression the race to the Pit Stop between these two teams is tense. Which is pointless, because Team Idiot doesn't have the penalty to deal with. And, besides, they get to the mat first anyway. Welcome, Team Idiot, you are Team Number Four. Sad music plays as the Portable Posse jogs up, and it really feels like the editors weren't trying hard enough to make us care about the Portable Posse. In my ideal episode, we would have been treated to, like, circus music here. Anyway, welcome, Portable Posse, you are Team Number Nine, which -- despite your happiness -- means you are last, and you are eliminated. You will not be missed. ["Speak for yourself." -- EmoHunk]

As the sun sets over Tanah Lot, we get a set of graphics telling us that, in addition to the four teams already properly checked in, Zabrina and Joe Jer are fifth; the Super Marsio Bros. are sixth; Andy and Laura are seventh again; and Antsy are eighth.

Over their final message, we see some slomo shots of their time on the race, including one of Jacqueline fixing Rose Portable's hair. Rose Portable regrets taking the penalty. She says they've "learned a lot from [them]selves, like, almost every day". Given they were on the race for, like, four days, it's not exactly the glowing endorsement she probably intends it to be. Jacqueline says she loved the experience.

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. Art director? Darren Waide. Pit Stop Hotel? Again, not listed. The contestants must not have learned when to stop eating yet. Also: Is that a gong right at the end there?

Next time: Didgeridoos play music. People run out of an airport again, because, as you know, we haven't seen that enough yet. The Sydney Harbour Bridge is climbed, and ferries are ridden. SanFran gets cheeky, while Andy and Laura get sneaky. Laura falls over. Syeon and Admiral Whinypants enjoy the slight advantage they can get. Howard "wrestles" some sharks. Crikey! (But, thanks to the crappiness of technology, and a huge chunk of people sounding like flu-ridden Daleks right in the middle of the episode, I won’t be recapping it. Episode 5 will be the next episode recapped.)

1x02: Jakarta, Indonesia

2009-10-18T16:44:00.001-07:00

But not for long.

Previously on The World Takes On The World: This show was sponsored by a whole slew of random companies, which may or may not have anything to do with travel. An airline was one of them, though you wouldn't have known it from the decidedly flight-free first leg. Relax, you'll get plenty acquainted with them soon enough. Or, rather, you would if you were watching the actual episode. Since this show's product placement is extraordinarily blatant, I'll be referring to their competitors out of cold-hearted spite. But in last week's actual episode, it turned out Kuala Lumpur has a lot of tall buildings. One of these buildings forced Cirran to step over the edge. In a surprising move, the producers decided ropes would add to the drama rather than detract from it, which is probably a good move, because twenty spontaneous funerals would have been very expensive. Ernie proved himself to be an incompetent driver, and Jeena proved herself to be an incompetent apologiser. WuWho makes it sound like "a local" is almost as big a threat as, like, a giant snake or something. (Spoiler!) Joe Jer lost track of how many times she had been around it when she started doing donuts. The simple task of walking to the Pit Stop turned out to be hard for most of these teams, meaning that while you might be fit, you are not always smart, ANDREW. SanFran blew time in almost every single way possible, but survived because not even the producers wanted to give them the distinction of being the only non-Family-Edition team to not leave the starting country before getting the boot. Without an elimination yet, there are still ten teams. But which one of them will get eliminated... TONIGHT?

Credits! Things We Learned From The Credits: Fran loves sitting on San's body, and not necessarily on the body part you'd expect. [BOMP-CHICKA-BOMP-BOMP.]

Kuala Lumpur still has the Monorail Of Proving This Is Better Than Australian Survivor. It also has the Menara Kuala Lumpur, which was the Pit Stop. After twelve hours, the teams get to leave the tower. ["Have they been cooped up in there the whole time? That must have been one crowded-ass elevator." -- EmoHunk] WuWho would like to know whether SanFran will encounter as much of a non-obstacle as all those other teams who've had the penalty found. He also wants to know whether Andy and Laura will "continue" the gameplay we didn't see at any point during the last episode.

2:11am. The mat has been moved to the base of the tower, and the Super Marsio Bros. depart first. They are understandably excited when the clue tells them to "fly to Jakarta, Indonesia". New country! For us, not necessarily them! WuWho fills us in on the other parts of the clue, which involve driving to the airport, and flying [Cathay Pacific]. Officially? I hate the product placement already. Unofficially? Safer than risking it with Garuda. WuWho also informs us that Indonesia is "the world's largest archipelago". Now, see, that I didn't know. When they land, they have to take a taxi to the Ragunan Zoo for "a taste of Indonesian wildlife", and the next clue. Oooh, pretty animals! Apparently, Indonesian animals include monkeys and elephants. Wow. I needs to spends me some more time in Indonesia. As they leave the mat, the Super Marsio Bros. discuss how they aren't fit. Don't worry. If you ignore it now, you'll hear it again soon. Actually, you'll probably hear it again soon regardless.

2:20am. Journey departs, and read the part of the clue demanding them to fly [Air Canada]. Jeena hopes they can survive the pressure a bit better than her first attempt at pottery did last week. They leave some money on SanFran's car for them. Stupid, stupid decision. They might be nice people and all (and he is definitely hot), but they are fit, they are strong, and they have a penalty that could disadvantage them enough throughout the leg to put them in last place instead of you. Why would you not use that penalty to your advantage?

The Super Marsio Bros. find a taxi to take them to the airport, and Marsio tells us that they think saving time is more important than saving money. Well, sure, but you don't want to end up having the same penalty as SanFran have when you haven't had it forced upon you.

In Journey's car, Jeena and her bright, bright headlamp practically ransack the backseat in order to find the clue so she can reread it. Which at this particular moment is the least productive use of her time possible. Since they know they have to drive to the airport, it's not like not reading the clue will stop them from getting where they need to go. And she hasn't gotten out of the car for her to lose it yet, so she's got nothing to lose by not doing it. In a confessional, she says it's so that she doesn't make any mistakes. Then, and this is captioned as well, because the editors love us, she says in their car, "Okay, left. Turn right. Oh no. Wait. I made a mistake." You sure did, but which time was it? She does not know.

2:27am. Morning, girls! Zabrina and Joe Jer read the "taxi to the zoo" part of the clue. As they drive away, Zabrina says she gets "too emotional about everything", and that Joe Jer has to "spend a lot of time calming [her] down". (Dear caption people: Please learn to spell. Last week "ladel" [sic], this week "Jo Jer" [sic]. Correct spelling is 'impotent', you know.) On cue, Zabrina cheers about getting to get out of her own country.

Ernie and Jeena are lost, and they pull over for directions. Proving you can be stupid while (1) you're in a position other than last place and while (2) you aren't models who say "baby" too much, both of them get out. Which ruins my thought about not needing to find the clue immediately. Damn you, Journey.

The Super Marsio Bros. pass a billboard, which tells them to "say no to porn". Mardy responds to the sign as he deadpans, "Okay, I'll say no". Funny. But what really makes it hysterical is that we start to see his response, then cut to a shot of Marsio crossing his fingers, as though he's in Grade 2 and is going to ignore what he's saying at the first opportunity. HA!

2:37am. The Portable Posse departs, after reminding us they have to fly to Indonesia. Thanks for the heads-up, girls. Incidentally, they read the word "Indonesia" as though they're trying to flirt with somebody. I don't know whom, though. The producers who chose it as a location? The Super Marsio Bros.? The guy who invented the font used for the clue? Aubrey rambles about how this game isn't about looks or brainpower. Luckily for them, only one was in their original strategy anyway, so... you know. And she says that "it's what's inside you that encourages you". Girls, if you can show me anyone who gets encouragement out of bile, vomit, urine, and a spleen, I'd like to hear it. Especially if they've never been on Big Brother.

2:42am. Andrew and Syeon inform us that the teams are getting another US$139 at the start of this leg of the race. How do you suppose they come up with these cash values anyway? Do they just throw darts at a giant sheet of paper while blindfolded? Or is it something even more sinister? Speaking of sinister, Andrew voices over that their strategy was for him to make all the decisions. And we saw how well that really worked last week, as soon as the teams encountered a task involving using a small amount of brainpower. To his credit, he uses his failure to justify giving Syeon an equal say in matters. Of course, it might have helped them if he made that choice BEFORE they fucked up, but it's the thought that counts. Syeon says they'll "learn from [their] mistakes, and hopefully [they] won't do it again, right?" Right, but only they get a clue in Indonesia telling them to fly back to Kuala Lumpur and run through the park to the tower all over again.

The Portable Posse are telling us about how their strategy is to "be nice, and nice, and... sneaky". Oh, but you were one "nice" away from winning the Deluded Jackpot! That's like getting two Liberty Bells and a lemon on a scratchie.

2:57am. The second likable team of girls depart, with Sharon reading the "Jakarta, Indonesia" part as though she works for SBS. Awesome. Except, unlike Lee Lin Chin, her hair shows no signs of an unfortunate electrocution. ["Yet." -- WhoreBoy] In a voiceover clearly left over from the previous leg, she mentions that the race is mostly about luck. Melody has her own poorly placed voiceover mentioning how "it ain't over until it's over". Sane thought, especially since The Amazing Race doesn't cast any fat ladies who can sing well enough to use the original form of that cliché. Some random guy offers to get them "to the federal highway". Yay, random guy! Unless the federal highway goes to Hong Kong, in which case, go back to leading SanFran.

The Super Marsio Bros. get out of their car at the airport... right in front of a McDonald's. Sometimes, these recaps practically write themselves. In their car, Syeon once again claims that the Super Marsio Bros. were underestimated. Who are now having their McBreakfast in front of the [Aeroflot Domestic] counter. Andy wonders if the other teams will be smart enough to find an entire airport by themselves, and Syeon puts him in his place by telling him that they could have just hired a taxi again like they were all doing last week.

2:57am. Andy and Laura, who flounders her way through pronouncing "Reh-GOO-Nen Zoo". Laura bitches in voiceover that she finds it impossible to fight with Andy. Really? I have this strange urge to say something slanderous and see if it gets back to him. Laura continues ranting, about how she's the one doing all the yelling.

Airport. Journey arrives. Two seconds of necessary television, and you didn't see it here, folks.

3:43am. Howard and Cirran read the clue (Jakarta variation) together, after someone squeals. Oh, God. It's too early in the morning to hear people talking in unison. There are some quick cuts of Cirran providing directions. Howard says that they're "the perfect two people on the seesaw to balance each other out". But I thought not being balanced is the entire point of using a seesaw in the first place. Isn't it? Just like we get the "providing directions" shots, now we get about ten "asking for directions" shots. Fun. Eventually, they give up and decide to take a taxi. Uh, I mean, FOLLOW a taxi. Taking a taxi? Nancy and Emily own the trademark on that.

At exactly 4:00am, Team Idiot leaves. Prashant correctly pronounces the zoo's name. Sahil provides about fourteen different clichés when he's talking about their gameplan. And I have no idea what he was actually trying to say, even though it's subtitled. Something about cheating and enjoying it, I think.

Jeena runs around looking for Ernie, as Andrew and Syeon arrive at the airport. Jeena pressures a guy behind a desk to tell her the truth about when the counter opens, and: he only WORKS here, lady. It's not like he's going to lie to you. Especially considering none of the other teams have shown up and told him not to. Mardy and Marsio continue enjoying their breakfast. Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive. Andrew is inordinately pleased with himself for making up two places on the way to the airport. Do I really have to point out that he lost FOUR places at the end of the last leg because he couldn't follow a clearly marked path? The Portable Posse arrives next, but it's hard to tell because of the way the shot is framed. I think it's them because one of them does a ridiculous amount of hand-waving as she walks in. Andy and Laura arrive. Journey gets their tickets. Sharon and Melody arrive. Andy and Laura get their tickets, while arguing over who gets to talk.

Leaving last at 4:38am, 2 hours and 27 minutes after the leaders, SanFran have no money. Officially. Fran tells us over a montage that every single team gave them money. So much for that penalty. And Journey even left them a note, which Fran reads in the car before condescendingly calling them "so sweet". The good news? They have about 115 bucks. The bad news? Because of the teams not understanding that this is a competition, we miss out on seeing San strip. Or so Fran says. ["Fran is on The List." -- WhoreBoy] I'd be curious to see San's reaction when she told him about this.

Howard and Cirran arrive at the airport. So do SanFran. Sharon and Melody get tickets. SanFran starts begging for even more money, under the assumption that people will not grasp that they're on The Amazing Race when they're (1) with a production crew, (2) wearing the Amazing Bum Bag, (3) telling people they're on "a travel reality show", and (4) in one of the countries where the show is most successful. I know they're forbidden from actually telling people, but it's like they're not even trying to hide it. Anyway. The Portable Posse gets their tickets. SanFran continue begging. Andy and Laura get tickets. SanFran continue begging. Eventually, they stop. Fran tells us they got about 150 ringgit at the airport, as well as what the other teams foolishly gave them. They get their tickets. Boy, that was tense and enjoyable to watch. Except not.

As we see an [Air Calin] plane and an [Emirates] ladder, WuWho tells us that all teams are taking the same [South African Airways] flight to Jakarta. It's over 1000 kilometres away.

The flight takes off and lands almost instantly in Jakarta. Everybody runs out of the airport and gets into taxis. Team Idiot is adding "Jerk" to their resumes. So are Andrew and Syeon, who dump their bags into a taxi Journey are already boarding. You know, last week it was basically only their "We Live Here, Ergo, We'll Win" thing which annoyed me. This week, it's pretty much everything. Ugh. Anyway, soon every team leaves for the zoo. In their car, Andrew tells us what we just saw. Or, rather, what he thinks we just saw. Because I saw no signs at all that he had booked the taxi already.

There is a bunch of shots of teams trying to get their drivers to go faster. For some reason, Zabrina speaks unsubtitled Indonesian when she's getting a taxi, but then we see a subtitled English conversation from Mardy eight seconds later. Anyway, it looks like there's a whole bunch of unsafe driving here. I know that Indonesia's not a great country to drive in at the best of times, and I know that this is probably normal stuff for the taxi drivers, but... there really should have been some way of making sure the teams got to the zoo in one piece. Rose Portable calls her cabbie "handsome" because he drives fast. Helpful! Andrew whines that everyone is passing them. Karma! Andy tries adapting his accent a little bit to get the driver to go faster. Borderline offensive! Sharon makes the sign of the cross. Unintentionally hilarious! SanFran tells their driver to follow the Super Marsio Bros. taxi, apparently on the assumption that the brothers visit the zoo more often than the cabbie does. Huh? There is more driving, but it's basically the same stuff and I'm bored of it already.

And after all that, Journey gets to the zoo first. Supposedly. Though we get a series of montage shots showing a lot of darting back and forth between teams, so it's really hard to tell who's in which position. Anyway, the clue is a RoadBlock, and the little teaser question is "Who likes animals?" Boy, that gives away so much about the task. Especially given where they are and all. Before we find out what the task is, we find out that Sahil, Marsio, Laura, and Ernie are doing it. Sharon and Melody read the main part of the clue, which basically tells them that the clue is somewhere near the "Native Small Mammals" section of the zoo. WuWho reminds us what a RoadBlock is ("a task that only one person may perform"), and informs us that this one involves walking through a pit containing large snakes -- second only in size to the anaconda, apparently -- and retrieving a clue from inside a cluebox. And whoever does the task only has two minutes to do it, because this is one of those first-come-first-served tasks I despise so much. Still, at least this is related to the local culture. Slightly.

Teams run through the zoo. Ernie trips over a couple of times. And the Super Marsio Bros. walk.

In their cab, Howard explains that they'll get their cabbie to wait, because they'll need to go somewhere else, and "it might be hard to [get taxis] from the zoo". Really? From a zoo? A major tourist attraction?

…Why do I even bother trying to understand these people?

Cirran takes the RoadBlock, but not before claiming that he'll have trouble if it's a snake he has to deal with. Mwahahahahaha.

Outside the snake pit, there are numbers waiting so teams don't push and shove in the line. Journey gets the first one. The Super Marsio Bros. are second.

Ernie enters the pit. The cluebox really isn't that hard to find, given the pit is about the size of a bedroom, the cluebox is relatively big, and there's a race flag dangling from it. Not that that means the teams won't have trouble with it. Especially Andrew and Syeon. Just as many of the racers today will do, Ernie nervously inches his way through the cage, as Jeena points out where the box is. He "accidentally" steps on a snake, after calling it "dude" a couple of times.

Outside the cage, the Super Marsio Bros. remark that another team is coming. But we can't tell who it is, because we almost immediately cut back to Ernie, getting the clue. Suddenly, Journey is reunited, and they (and by "they", I mean "Jeena") realise that there's a Fast Forward. They agree to try for it. Which makes sense, because they're in first place and they know it. There's no reason for them not to. Sure, you could say you wouldn't because you were saving your Fast Forward for when it's "most advantageous to go for it", but since they cut it down to one or two a season, the only real strategy is as follows: If you are in first, go for it. If you are not, don't bother. It's a shame the cut in Fast Forwards happened, because what used to be a saving grace for struggling teams and for a possible use of actual strategy has now developed into an anticlimactic bore. I'm sorry to say it, but it has.

But enough of my bitching for now. WuWho reminds us of the basic Fast Forward Facts. Each team only gets one, and only one team can get this one. Whoever gets it gets to skip all the remaining tasks and go to the Pit Stop. Back with Journey, Cirran runs up in the background as he points out that they have no reason not to attempt it. WuWho gets another brief clip, this time explaining that they have to go to a school six kilometres away. For an unexplained reason, we get the Fast Forward bubble graphic pimping [Nintendo].

Out the front of the zoo, Journey finds that their taxi has left. Oh, dear.

Back inside, Marsio tells us he thought it would be "the alligator or lions or, you know, whatever". But not snakes. He does know the entire point of visiting different countries on the race is to experience local cultures, right? And, being Indonesian, he presumably would know that lions and alligators don't have anything to do with Indonesia. Right? Right? Anyone? ...Bueller?

Ernie and Jeena get a taxi. Crisis averted. For now.

Marsio sits on the edge of the doorway into the snake pit, as Mardy reminds him of the time limit. The camera zooms in on a snake. And, for once, it's not a member of Team Idiot. Marsio finally enters the pit, covering his mouth as though he's afraid their tails work like Spiderman's wrists. He says God too many times. He grabs a clue. On the way out, Mardy tells him not to provoke the moving snake by stepping on the tail. He barely makes it out.

The Super Marsio Bros. automatically go for the normal clue, which says something about "plate dancing". WuWho fills us in. Teams have to get to a place called the West Sumatera Pavilion. When they get there, they must learn a Minangkabau plate dance, called the tari piring. They have to perform the dance to the satisfaction of a waiting judge before getting the clue. We get shots of experts in full costume performing the plate dance, but the teams will only have to wear the local hats. Which will make them look more than a little foolish.

The Super Marsio Bros. get into their cab. Team Idiot is third to take on the snake pit.

Jeena explains her reasoning behind attempting the Fast Forward.

Sahil is doing the RoadBlock for Team Idiot. Prashant helpfully points out a large "python" doing... nothing, really, and we get an unrelated shot of a snake climbing up the side of the cage entrance. Sahil voices over that he's "an animal lover". Of course, we immediately cut from that to him being scared of one of the snakes on his way out. Heh.

Marsio tells us that he's always hated snakes. Well, look on the bright side. Now you won't be bothered by them for the next month. Unless the producers decided to copy Survivor and put in one of those "second chance" challenges where they combine bits and pieces of all the challenges that weren't any good the first time and try to make them fun.

Andy and Laura and Zabrina and Joe Jer finally get to the zoo. Andrew and Syeon do too, and they get lost. Sharon and Melody are also running around. Once again, SanFran are bringing up the rear. ["Did you just mention Sandy and "rear" in the same sentence and not make a joke about it? Between this and "Brad's woody" last week, I feel like I don't even know you anymore." -- WhoreBoy]

Cirran has taken the RoadBlock, and Howard reminds him that they can't both do the task. Sharon and Melody are sixth, Zabrina and Joe Jer are seventh, and other teams are not yet revealed to us. Zabrina tells us that nobody knew exactly what the task was because they couldn't see it. Actually, this is an interesting development. If you tell them what it is, you give the teams at the back more time to either freak out, or to get over their fear. This way, everyone is scared. Nice work, producers. On a shot of Zabrina looking nervous, cut to...

Commercials. Raceguy's Celebrity Hunk Of The Week this week is Sean Faris. Fuck or pass?

Zabrina has been scared for the entire commercial break, it seems. Sahil is still in the cage, and either he or Prashant remarks that it's "time to get swallowed". I wish. Sadly, Sahil escapes unharmed, and Team Idiot decides to go for the Fast Forward. Prashant tells us they will probably finish in the "top three, top four". Of course, they were in third place anyway, so this argument is complete bullshit. Even by their standards. And if they meant "top three, top four" in terms of making it to the end of the race, then they clearly have no idea how this show works.

In the Super Marsio Bros. taxi, Marsio tells us that they didn't take the Fast Forward because they figured Journey was going for it. Meanwhile, Journey points out that they're screwed if they don't get it.

Back at the zoo, Cirran is about to do the RoadBlock. Howard tries to reassure him. As soon as he sees the actual task, Cirran freaks. He voices over that "these are things I would never, ever, ever, even dream of doing". Cirran wonders if he's eaten today. He must have been talking to Team Idiot. Howard guides him through the cage, and he's moving the fastest out of everybody so far, which is a surprise. Cirran tells us that whenever he goes to the zoo with his friends' kids, he pretends the snake pit is closed for the day. He climbs up the small tree to get to the clue instead of walking around it. Nice. Howard reads the clue, which mentions a place called Taman Mini Indonesia Indah, which I don't remember hearing in either of the earlier readings or in WuWho's spiel. Apparently, it's where they can find the pavilion they're supposed to go to. Anyway, Howard is pissed that he can't see the other animals. And I'm sure all those animals that haven't been fed yet feel the same way. Except for maybe that homophobic orangutan. They leave.

Zabrina is crying, and Joe Jer tries to console her, by telling her she can do it. Zabrina points out that she knows she can do the task, but she's afraid of it. Does she even know it's a snake pit yet? Because I was under the impression that they didn't find out until she actually did the task. Anyway, you can tell that Joe Jer's support has motivated Zabrina to get the task done, because Zabrina actually starts smiling in the middle of the sentence. Now that's teamwork. Joe Jer hugs Zabrina.

Laura is fifth into the cage. She pats the snake, apparently unaware of the time limit. Andy reminds her and points out the cluebox, and she gets it easily. Laura voices over that "it wasn't fear, it was awe" which made her uncomfortable. And that really points out how Andy's comment about it being her "ultimate fear" is complete and utter bullshit. Laura smiles as she leaves. Melody enters. Laura reads her clue, laughing as though plate dancing is one of the most ridiculous things she's ever heard.

Howard explains that they're not bothering to go for the Fast Forward; because they figure Journey would have gone for it. But they would have done it had Journey not beaten them to the zoo. While Howard explains all this, Cirran notices that their cab just passed Team Idiot's. Howard points out that they might also be going for the Fast Forward. Sahil explains that they wanted the Fast Forward. It's a very boring discussion, and it's not helped by the fact that both team members sound like they're practicing to be hypnotists. The only thing worth noting is that Sahil looks at the clue in order to explain where they're going, and still describes it as "some high school".

Melody makes an excited noise as she sees the snake pit. She crawls in. In Andy and Laura's taxi, Laura tells us that she got into the pit and forgot what she was there to do. Hee. Melody nervously meanders through the enclosure. She shrieks as the snake moves, then asks the snake not to harm her, because she was born in the Year of the Snake. Ha! Sharon asks if the snake is poisonous. Outside, Zabrina is still coming to terms with the task. Melody gets the clue and leaves as soon as she can. Zabrina enters the alcove behind the pit. Melody and Sharon hug and squeal and talk about how cool it was. And, I've got to admit, it did seem cool. Maybe it's just because I'm not scared of snakes, like, at ALL, but this task really looks like they were trying to do something that could be interpreted as both cool and scary, and that didn't involve heights. And for that, I am grateful. It's still a bitch to recap, though.

Zabrina voices over that snakes are "one of [her] biggest fears". We get a nice close-up of a snake's head as it hisses. She talks about how it was "the worst thing to happen to [her]", and by the time she finishes the sentence, she has the clue. She's really that quick. Any way you slice it, she kicked that snake pit's arse. Or tail. Whatever. She gets out quickly and they read the plate dance clue, leaving in their taxi quickly. From the looks of it, Zabrina thinks she knows what plate dancing is.

Andrew and Syeon are in eighth place, and he thinks that's "a good sign". And it is, if you ignore the seven teams in front of you. The Portable Posse is still trying to find the enclosure. SanFran are in ninth place, which Fran calls "a real shock", because they thought they were less sucky than they are.

Sharon and Melody think the Super Marsio Bros. decided to do the Fast Forward, because they're not fit enough for the dancing. In their cab, Marsio tells us they're doing the dance. Hee. In their cab, Zabrina tells us she's seen it on TV before. Told you so. Marsio tells us that "it's a beautiful dance". Zabrina is now showing Joe Jer how to do the dance, and as far as I can tell, she's doing a pretty good job. And I say that as, quite clearly, an expert on native Indonesian plate dancing. Which means she's probably actually showing Joe Jer proper curling technique or something. Marsio shows Mardy the same thing, but he's nowhere near as competent. Zabrina practically dislocates her arm trying to show Joe Jer within the tight confines of the taxi.

Unsurprisingly, Andrew has taken the RoadBlock. He literally runs through the pit to get it. Scared much? The Portable Posse is still trying to find the numbers, and hasn’t arrived by the time Andrew escapes. As they run back to their taxi, Syeon tells Andrew that there's practically no chance they can still get the Fast Forward, even though he remains unconvinced. Good for her.

Okay, I wasn't going to comment on this, but this is like the third time it's happened in this episode alone. Can whoever does the subtitles not put quotes from two different people on the same line? It's very weird pausing the video with the line "...you think? Yes they've all left." on screen and thinking Andrew is even more delusional than even I realised.

The Super Marsio Bros. arrive at the pavilion, where some local music is playing. Far be it from me to mock someone else's culture, but this music sounds like someone is choking a snakecharmer in the middle of a performance. But it's still better than listening to the goddamn Village People. They both put on their funny hats and begin. Mardy calls it fun, but they argue a little bit anyway.

Fran does the RoadBlock. In her words, "ohhhh, my good God". Indeed. She says she should have told San that snakes are her only fear. Well, that's helpful, isn't it? San voices over that they thought they were in "third or fourth", and were shocked when they found out they were near the back of the pack again. Francesca apologises to the snake for stepping on it. Heh.

The Portable Posse is in last place, and is no longer missing. Seriously, we've hardly seen them yet this episode. Not that it's any great loss. Rose Portable tells us that Jacqueline is scared, and she is apparently too scared to tell us this herself.

Syeon is still trying to explain to Andrew how the Fast Forward works.

Fran grabs the clue and leaves. Jacqueline enters immediately. Fran hopes their taxi hasn't left. Andrew and Syeon are still walking to the entrance, but start running when they see SanFran.

Jacqueline points out something most teams can't understand, which is that when you're in last place, you've got to move faster. She gets the clue quickly.

At the plate dancing, Mardy is having trouble following the required steps. It doesn't look particularly easy, that's for true. The judge lady looks bored. Pace yourself, judge lady, this is only the first team. There's still eight or nine left.

Jacqueline has exited the cage. Bye, snakes! They take a taxi.

Group of taxi scenes. Howard tells us that he and Cirran "both like dancing, and [they] both like plates". But he doesn't know what'll happen when you put the two together. SanFran are still whining about not knowing they sucked at racing. Do we need to take all your money away again? Unsurprisingly, Rose Portable is playing with her hair as she tries to get the driver to go faster.

The Super Marsio Bros. finish their plate dance, and are apparently good enough to get the next clue, which is the Detour. In the space of about two seconds, all the plate dancers have disappeared, while WuWho stands in front of the same building and explains the two options. This time, the tasks are Push and Sell. In Push, you go to some street in a working-class suburb (there's a quick shot of a street sign, and it says "JL Langlima Polim III", though that doesn't match anything WuWho says), choose one of ten bakso carts, and push them along a marked 500 metre course. Sound easy? Yeah, not so much. You've got to keep a bowl of soy sauce from spilling while you do it, and you have to sing a song in Indonesian while you do it. If you spill too much sauce, you've got to start again. In Sell, you go to the same street and take one of the same carts, then prepare and sell fifteen bowls of bakso, for 2000 rupiah each. Sound easy? Again, not so much. There's pretty much nobody around, so if you need to, you can buy and eat it on your own. The basic deal is that selling isn't physical, but it could take longer; while the pushing is physical, but should be quicker unless you fuck up. It's actually a very well-designed Detour, compared to the junk the American version has been spewing out recently, even though the singing sort of feels like it’s tacked on to make it seem as though Push isn’t the clearly faster option. And neither task is easy, which makes it even better.

Marsio thinks they should sell, but Mardy uses his local knowledge to figure out that even if you could find people to buy the food, it's not the right time of the day for people to do so. They eventually decide to Push.

Team Idiot is hoping the lead teams are dumb enough to think the Fast Forward would be a bad idea. Journey thinks the Fast Forward will help them because they want a rest and a head start. But every team spends the same amount of time at the Pit Stop. And you'd be getting most of the rest time during the day, so it's not going to let you catch up on most sleep. They're doing the right thing by attempting it, but they're doing it for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense.

Andy and Laura arrive at the plate dancing.

Team Idiot find the school, which has a sign covered in graffiti. Oh, so it's like the Jakartan version of Frankston. Got it.

By some bizarre fluke, the Portable Posse is the next team to get to the plate dancing. Andy gets in Laura's way while they try not to look too much like idiots. The Portable Posse and Laura all have on these hats that look like they make copies of Madonna's boob tube for your ears. Really. I think the hat you wear depends on your gender, because the real female dancers have these on too, while Andy has on the same sort of McPartyHat that the Super Marsio Bros. wore. Rose Portable tries to boss Jacqueline around.

Journey is still in their taxi. Uh-oh. ["Whuh uh-oh? No uh-oh! Fix the uh-oh!" -- EmoHunk] Jeena tells us in an interview by some swimming pool with a waterfall behind it that the reason they had such bad luck with cabs is because they never take them at home. Yeah, that must be it. They get out of their cab in some area that looks nothing like where Team Idiot is. They keep running, but clearly have no idea they're in the wrong place.

Commercials. If my hair ever gets as bad as Donald Trump's, somebody please shoot me.

Team Idiot and Journey are running to the Fast Forward. Well, only one team is, but we'll overlook that little detail for now and pretend this is tense enough for the accompanying music, shall we? In the least surprising plot development this side of Maggie Simpson shooting Mr. Burns, Team Idiot get to the school cluebox first. Apparently, the producers of this version have decided to wait until teams turn up at the Fast Forward to explain the task. Which... probably should interest me in some way, and therefore lead me to explain why it's better or worse than the American version, but I really don't care here. Sorry.

Anyway, the task is basically to find a bunch of students in a courtyard. All fifty of them are listening to [iPod]s. Then, you've got to get one of the kids to hand theirs over, and listen to the message. Most of them play WuWho telling them to try again, but one of them has a congratulatory message from WuWho. The first team to find that one wins. As Fast Forwards go, it's pretty crappy, but it's not as bad as waving to a surfer or eating a meat pie. And the kids are walking around, too, which makes it a little harder. By the way, WuWho, the name of the device used is not pronounced as two separate words. Just so you know. Team Idiot runs around like... well, idiots as they search for the right thingy.

Andy and Laura and the Portable Posse are still dancing. Andy and Laura at least seem comfortable looking ridiculous on camera in front of millions of people. And Rose Portable is taking it too seriously. Shocking. Simply shocking.

Journey is now at some random person's house, hoping it's a school. It's not, but they get directions from the people inside, who apparently don't care that a TV crew is filming a couple of people trespassing on their property.

The Portable Posse passes the plates, and is given the Detour. They choose Push, with Rose Portable thinking Detours are the same things as RoadBlocks. Or something like that.

Team Idiot is still searching for the Fast Forward. Sahil voices over that they got so confused that they "probably checked some people twice". Well, look on the bright side. Those kids got double the camera time they would have had otherwise. You know, just like you guys seem to want. Perhaps you should quit the race and enroll in an Indonesian school. You might need the education.

Andy and Laura are deemed to have done the plate dance well enough, even though they are (1) in the middle of a step, and (2) not coordinated. I think the judge just wanted to end her misery. Until the next team arrives. Laura pressures Andy to make a decision, and then almost immediately chooses for them. They Push.

Journey is still trying to find the school. Team Idiot is still trying to find the right person. This continues for about thirty seconds. Yawn. Eventually, Sahil revisionises that he "spotted this one and [he] went straight for her". After about thirty other people. It turns out that this poor girl got given the right message. Trust psychic powers to kick in when you least want them too. She gives them the [Wii] and they go to swap it for the clue. Said clue tells them to skip the plate dancing and the Detour, and go straight to the Pit Stop at Monas, also known as the National Monument. As Team Idiot leaves, Sahil blows a kiss. You know, there are some things you shouldn't make jokes about, and a weird guy blowing kisses to little schoolgirls is one of them. So, if you want to, make your own. WuWho exposits all about the Pit Stop. Imagine a less dweeby version of the Washington Monument and you'd be about right. Apparently, it's supposed to represent a struggle for independence. WuWho does not mention whom Indonesia was controlled by, making me go and research for myself. The answer? The Netherlands. ["Hey, looks like Dutch people were finally responsible for something decent that isn't Heineken." -- EmoHunk] And the last team to turn up may be eliminated. In the event of a tie, whichever team can name the highest number of African capital cities, in order from west to east, gets to stay. Though we all know this one's definitely an elimination anyway.

Journey finally finds the school. Too late. Off to the plate dancing! Jeena thinks the Super Marsio Bros. got the Fast Forward. Why would they even attempt it, when they can use their local-ness to help them?

Cab. Andy is telling their driver that they're in seventh place, and they need to get to first place. He does that annoying thing people do on this show, where they forget to say every second word in the hope that foreign drivers will understand them better. Has anyone ever actually seen this work? Laura shuts him down by pointing out that they don't know they're in seventh. Which is completely true, because they're in fourth right now.

The Portable Posse is telling us they were lucky to pass Andy and Laura. As they do so, the camera zooms in over Jacqueline's shoulder to show a cab passing their window. Nice catch. Jacqueline thinks it has Andy and Laura in it. Which would make them third, and even more "not seventh" than they were before.

Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive at the plate dance in fifth place. They have never seen a boob tube hat before, and don't know how to put it on properly. Heh.

SanFran and Howard and Cirran are in their cabs, trying to find the pavilion. From the view outside their windows, it looks like they're roughly in the right area. The music has changed from Snakecharmer Asphyxiation to Macarena a la Glockenspiel. Joe Jer comments on how bad she is at plate dancing, but her and Zabrina are easily the best team so far.

Journey is in their cab, and is explaining why the Fast Forward was a mistake. Or something. I tend to tune out when people explain stuff we've already seen. Especially when I've already recapped it. I mean, you'll notice that while I recap the previouslies, what I say rarely matches up with what is said about the events. Mainly because hosts have a tendency to lie in the previouslies (relax, Jeff Probst, I'm not naming names), but also because I can mute the episode and ignore the sound of people shrieking and crying and doing other previously-worthy stuff for a while.

The judge lady declares Zabrina and Joe Jer's dancing "very good", and they get the clue. Unlike everyone else, they decide to Sell.

SanFran are looking for the pavilion, but Howard and Cirran have found it. They start dancing, and Howard voices over what the normal use for plates is. No shit, Sherlock. Cirran looks surprisingly competent at this, even with that ridiculous grin on his face. And, yes, when I get all the way through and make a Caption It, Bitches post like I did for Australian Survivor, that shot will probably be representing this episode.

Andrew and Syeon arrive. Did you care that they were missing? Yeah, me neither. Now, Sharon and Melody on the other hand, we've hardly seen them yet. In either episode. And that's been glaringly obvious. But look how much we've seen of Howard and Cirran. Or Journey. Anyway, Antsy gets their gender-appropriate hats on, as soon as I find a second-rate way of calling them something other than "Andrew and Syeon". Because... well, I'm lazy, and "Andrew and Syeon" is a bitch to type. There is plate dancing, and Andrew's is done as though he's high. I exhibit no surprise. Howard and Cirran are finished. They opt to Push, just like almost every other team. What exactly was written into the Sell description to make it sound so hard? As they leave, Sharon and Melody are just putting on their boob tube hats.

Journey reminds their cabbie where they're going, in case he was just randomly driving them halfway to Hong Kong. No, wait, that would be SanFran. My mistake.

Antsy is still dancing as Sharon and Melody walk over, with Sharon checking her shirt to make sure she isn't showing too much skin. Honey, that is the least of your worries right now.

SanFran are approaching the pavilion. Journey reread their clue.

We are back to Snake Charmer Asphyxiation, and Antsy have finished. SanFran gets out of their taxi and starts running. Sharon and Melody have finished. Sharon wants to Sell, but Melody wonders whom they will be selling to. Um... people, perhaps? With this seemingly irrefutable logic, Sharon agrees to Push. They leave.

Team Idiot is annoying their taxi driver. I wouldn't expect any less.

The Super Marsio Bros. have found the street where the carts are. Sharon and Melody are reading the clue. Their driver starts singing the song they have to perform. Hee. They decide to use this to their advantage, and learn it. The Super Marsio Bros. and Melody sing in an edited medley. Eventually, Sharon tells Melody that they're distracting the driver, and they should just worry about getting there first, especially because they'll be getting a copy of the lyrics.

SanFran finally arrive and dance. Fran voices over that it's a bitch to be so good and still be the last team. Really, that's basically what she says. SanFran could not possibly be having more fun dancing.

The Super Marsio Bros. are still singing and pushing. They try and keep their soy sauce bowl full. Locals watch on in amazement that ten bakso vendors decided to lend their carts out to these wacky people. It seems that they forgot about the sauce a little bit, because now they have to redo it.

SanFran finish dancing. Fran chooses to push. Has Sandy even been given a full sentence since their introductory interview?

Zabrina and Joe Jer have arrived at the carts. They make the food quickly, with Zabrina saying that because they're not great eaters, they have to work harder to sell. They seem to be doing it pretty quickly, but that could just be the editing.

The Super Marsio Bros. push. Marsio voices over that they tried especially hard because they had to represent their country and didn't want to lose. I think they gave up any chance of winning this leg when they decided not to go for the Fast Forward, but to each his own. They finish. The next clue sends them to the Pit Stop. For some reason I've never really understood, WuWho reintroduces the monument. At least this time, we get a shot of the greeter, who is wearing what is by far the most unusual hat in the episode. And that's saying something. The Super Marsio Bros. leave, as soon as Marsio gets himself some water.

Andy and Laura arrive. Laura reminds him the important part of the task is keeping the soy sauce from spilling, but while they focus on that, they're not singing. Andy wants them to stay on the non-cobblestoned section of the road, which is sensible. Howard and Cirran arrive and start pushing. Howard explains that they didn't want to follow teams all the time, so they decide to overtake Andy and Laura. Which makes sense. Andy and Laura voice over about why they were going so slowly compared to Howard and Cirran, who had completely forgotten about their sauce.

The Super Marsio Bros. banter about how difficult pushing one of those carts is. Team Idiot blathers about something to do with not knowing where they other teams are.

Zabrina and Joe Jer are not bantering or blathering, because they still have ten bowls to sell, and until they are sold, there will be no banter or blathering from them.

Antsy turns up and starts pushing. In their cab, Marsio is still talking about bakso vendors. The Portable Posse is now starting the Detour. The Super Marsio Bros. are still talking and trying to explain that song in English. Andy and Laura have finally started singing. I miss when they were quiet.

Journey arrives at the pavilion. Jeena bosses Ernie around. Yawn.

Sharon and Melody arrive at the carts in 8th place. They start singing, and bump into something. Zabrina and Joe Jer are still selling. Sharon and Melody are still pushing, in case you had forgotten in the past three seconds. So are Antsy. Syeon correctly points out that the task is hard, but Andrew blames this on "the other teams were doing better than [them]". Dude, just shut up and run your own race. God. He says they were overtaking, and right on cue there's a shot of Sharon and Melody overtaking them. Good.

Andy bitches that "[his] back is about to break".

Zabrina and Joe Jer still have five more bowls to sell. Zabrina says she thinks "the locals like making fun of [them]". Heh. They finish easily. In their cab on the way to the Pit Stop, they talk about how much fun it was. Love. Them.

Journey is still dancing, and Jeena is still bossy. They get the clue anyway. Something gives Ernie the impression that they're not in last place. I think -- but don't take my word as gospel here -- that it might be the extra clue the judge lady had in case nobody took the Fast Forward. ["We were supposed to be taking your word as gospel before?" -- WhoreBoy] Anyway, Jeena is feeling very Pushy today.

Melody is talking about all the different things that made the task difficult. She says "it was not something [they] could be proud of". You know, I think these girls might actually have a chance to win.

Marsio thinks they can see the Pit Stop. Team Idiot is still ordering their driver to go fast.

Tense music plays as a taxi drives up. Team Idiot gets out and starts running to WuWho and CobraHat. The rest of CobraHat's costume makes me think bullfighting must be one of Indonesia's other favourite pastimes. Either that, or line dancing. CobraHat greets bilingually, which is a cool idea. Prashant remarks on how beautiful the country is. Nice thought, and definitely correct, but you really didn't see enough to judge. Welcome, Team Idiot, you are Team Number One! They are understandably happy, but they can't have really been that surprised. Which makes it even weirder to hear that Prashant thinks it was very lucky that they won the leg after getting the Fast Forward. He speaks as though they are allowed to take another Fast Forward in the future. Which they are not. Shut up, Prashant.

SanFran are in traffic. Fran is a little annoyed, but San the eternal optimist points out that they are at least not as hopeless as they were "yesterday".

There's a montage of the teams singing, and on the bright side, at least they aren't on Idol. Because I don't think anybody here would make it past the first round.

Howard and Cirran finish. So do Sharon and Melody. And the Portable Posse, with Rose Portable deciding she wants a hug from their guide. Howard's back hurts. Andy and Laura also finish. Everybody reads the clue and leaves. Howard realises that the clue confirms this leg will end with an elimination. Sharon says she's never eating bakso again.

Jeena rereads the clue. Again.

Syeon tells us she and Andrew have never worked "together as a team" [sic] before. Really? I had no idea. Andrew is still bossing her around, and she is still being a princess. Zabrina and Joe Jer notice that they're still pushing. Didn't they leave, like, forever ago? Anyway, Antsy finishes.

The Portable Posse is reminding their driver where to go. Jacqueline says, "it's an emergency", and Rose Portable giggles like it's the most adorable thing anyone has ever said.

SanFran have finally found the Detour. They start pushing. Fran seems to think this is a little bit ridiculous.

Jeena tells Ernie they're still going to do the task, even if they're last. Well, it would help you if you were trying to, you know, not be last any more. There is a road sign showing someone pushing a cart. Really. Journey arrives and starts. They spill a little bit of soy sauce right at the very start, and Jeena points out that "they might accept this little spill", even though Ernie wants to run the whole way through and try again, which doesn't seem like a bad idea. Why waste all this time if you know you're going to have to do it again anyway?

SanFran steers past a pothole. Locals laugh.

Syeon tells an exhausted Andrew that she "didn't even realise it was heavy". Well, of course she didn't, because she wasn't doing any of the work. Andrew whines. Shut up, Andrew.

Jeena and SanFran are still pushing. We get close-ups of their soy sauce bowls. Eventually, Journey finishes and tries to get the clue, but the guy tells them to start again. Heh. They try to figure out why they have to do it again.

Commercials. If they're going to put out videos of naked girls and advertise them on late-night TV, can they do the same thing for naked guys? Because... come on. You'd practically double your income.

The bakso judge guy still wants Journey to do it again. Jeena seems exhausted. Must be all that bossing Ernie around.

Antsy are getting a bit antsy in their cab. Mostly Andrew. Syeon is just sort of... there, if you know what I mean.

Jeena has apparently regained enough energy to boss Ernie around again. She says "it's harder than [they] thought, huh?"; and it would have been easier had she not been so insistent on trying to finish properly even though she knew they couldn't, I would think.

The Super Marsio Bros. run up to the Pit Stop. Welcome, you are Team Number Two! If you had have told me before I started watching this that these two would have the best results after two legs out of any non-Rob-and-Amber team in the history of the show, I wouldn't have believed you. But here we are.

SanFran finish the Detour.

Howard and Cirran, Sharon and Melody, and Andy and Laura are all racing to the Pit Stop, and it looks as though they're very close to each other. Joe Jer bribes her cabbie. As you do. Cirran tries to figure out where the required car park is.

Journey moves very slowly, thus proving that it's never the destination, it's always the... uh, journey. Jeena is still bossy. Also: There are tuk-tuks. Yay!

Howard and Cirran have found the Pit Stop. Their cabby tries to screw them over. They ignore him and leave.

Journey finally finishes. Ernie is still hoping someone else is even more screwed than they are. Right on cue, SanFran are moping in their cab about how they're low on cash and in last place and blah blah fishcakes.

Howard and Cirran are drunkenly trying to figure out which way they need to go, even though it's very obvious. There's a huge paved path and everything. Zabrina and Joe Jer arrive and start running immediately. Woo! Sharon and Melody are next. Double woo! WuWho and CobraHat look on as Howard and Cirran step on the mat. Welcome, you are Team Number Three! Cirran says they kept seeing cars overtaking them, but apparently they were only cars belonging to normal people driving around Jakarta or something, because they're in second out of the nine teams who didn't take the Fast Forward. WuWho congratulates them, and forces them off the mat, because another team is coming. You can actually see two teams running up.

SanFran bitch in voiceover that their cabbie wanted them to pay for his fuel. Yeah, not happening.

Back at the Pit Stop, the four women are still running up the path. Joe Jer voices over that she didn't even realise Sharon and Melody were right behind them until she looked around. Hee. But hurry up and race. They do. Welcome, Zabrina and Joe Jer, you are Team Number Four!

Jeena is wondering if the other teams are lost. Not likely, given about half of them have already checked in.

Fran tells San that as long as they don't finish last, they stay in the race. Genius!

Welcome, Sharon and Melody, you are Team Number Five!

SanFran and Journey are still racing to the Pit Stop. So are three other teams we haven't yet really seen much of in this sequence. We get the exact same shot of the side of SanFran's taxi that we saw about a minute or so ago.

The Portable Posse and Andy and Laura have arrived and are sprinting. In what could conceivably be called a tightly-contested footrace, Rose Portable is way ahead of everyone else, but both Andy and Laura are ahead of Jacqueline. Rose Portable reaches the mat first, but she has to wait for Jacqueline to get there before she can check in. It's hard to tell what happens next, but it looks like Laura trips over or something, because all of a sudden she's on the ground crying, and Jacqueline runs ahead. For some reason, both members of the Portable Posse fall on the mat, even though Rose Portable was standing there perfectly fine a minute ago. Welcome, Portable Posse, you are Team Number Six.

Journey and SanFran are still racing.

Andy and Laura hobble up to the mat. Welcome, you are Team Number Seven. Now go put some ice on that. Incidentally, you can now mark "honeybun", "sweetpea", and "honey" off of your Pet Name Bingo card.

Journey? Still racing. SanFran too. Journey can now see the monument.

But first, WuWho must check Antsy in. Welcome, you are Team Number Eight.

Journey has found the car park. SanFran are still looking. Supposedly.

WuWho and CobraHat wait. SanFran have found the right place and are running, as are Journey. Run, people!

CobraHat greets the team before we see them. As far as I can recall, this is only the second time in history this has happened. ["So when was the first, smartarse?" -- EmoHunk] ["Venice in the fourth US season." -- Raceguy] Welcome, SanFran, you are Team Number Nine. Just remember that ninth next time means you'll probably get eliminated. In a scene considerably darker than it is at the mat, they celebrate.

Later, Journey arrives and sad music plays. Jeena doesn't want to hear what WuWho has to say. But I do. Journey, you are last, and you are eliminated. In the same poolside interview from before, Ernie says he probably wouldn't have made it onto the race if he went with anybody else. I tend to agree, given Jeena was easily the more interesting of the two of them. Jeena starts crying. He mentions that the day they got eliminated was their tenth anniversary. Ouch. Jeena tells him to stop. He's happy he got the chance to be on the race, because not many people get to. Anyway...

Executive Producer? Michael McKay. Sequester producer? Michelle Lee. Pit Stop hotel? Not thanked. Apparently, they must have gotten angry at the size of the room service bills.

Next week: The Portable Posse continues in their attempts to act slutty in as many countries as possible. Someone thinks Sharon and Melody are sluts when they're not. There are elephants. It’s time for a beach party.